What’s Cool and What’s Not On the Internet

I’m feeling kinda depressed at work lately, not helped by a recurring headache since Sunday night. And so what do I do? Bitch about it on my blog! No seriously, I’m gonna bitch about the internet. This is just my humble opinion, feel free to add at the end…

WHAT’S COOL: … Firefox. Opera
WHAT’S NOT: … Internet Explorer. Netscape

WHAT’S COOL:… WordPress.
WHAT’S NOT: … That other one, that isn’t WordPress.

WHAT’S COOL:… Amazon.com
WHAT’S NOT: … Barnes & Noble

WHAT’S COOL: … “Take Back the Web”
WHAT’S NOT: … “Windows have encountered a problem…Send or Don’t Send Error Report…”

WHAT’S COOL: … Google, A9
WHAT’S NOT: … Lycos, Altavista

WHAT’S COOL: … Answers.com, Wikipedia.com
WHAT’S NOT: … Cambridge Dictionaries Online, Merriam-Webster Online

WHAT’S COOL: … Linux
WHAT’S NOT: … Microsoft

WHAT’S COOL: … Gmail
WHAT’S NOT: … Coldmail Hotmail

WHAT’S COOL: … XML
WHAT’S NOT: … Atom (!)

WHAT’S COOL: … “Hooray! No spam here!”
WHAT’S NOT: … “Click here for free online drugs…”

WHAT’S COOL: … freeware, shareware
WHAT’S NOT: … “Your 30-day trial period has expired, to continue using this software, please send USD$199 to…”

Anyone care to add anything?

Office Toilets

I used to work in a crummy site office in a steel cabin. They arranged a few cabins and made a roof in between to make a larger office space. The place was a dump, to say the least.

There were like 100 guys and 10 girls in the place at any one time, not including sub-contractors. Yeah, and they say the office is the best place to meet chicks.

Anyway, get this. There were 3 toilets, one for the girls, two for the guys. In the evenings, Indonesian workers used one of the stalls to bathe. Imagine if you had a horrible stomach ache, and there a 45 guys waiting in line to use the stalls in the morning.

After awhile, the girls padlocked their toilet since the guys (including me) kept using theirs.

One more thing, the toilet was actually a specially constructed cabin with the toilet bowls urinals and er, discharges pipes for the er, sh!t and p!ss to flow out. And all the cabins were actually transported specially from this site in the East Coast 300km away.

Here’s the clincher. There was hard rock solid faeces in the toilet bowl. In two out of the three toilets. The geniuses who dismantled to office in the East Coast didn’t check if anyone flushed the dumps. So the faeces was there in the 2 days it took to come across the country, and the 2 weeks it was left under the boiling sun while the platform for the new office was being prepared.

Nowadays, in my current job, whenever I hear my female colleagues complain that the air refreshener in their 5 star rest room is ‘not natural’, or that they are out of 3-ply floral print ply toilet paper, it just cracks me up.

I can’t believe I just blogged about an office toilet.

Locking Your Keys In the Car

I just read fishtail’s entry about locking your keys inside the car. I’m sad to say it has happened to me at least twice (I say ‘at least’, because I’m pretty good at forgetting embarrassing incidents. Like that time when my dog… er… I can’t remember much).

The first time was no biggie, I left my pal with the car, borrowed his motorbike, went home and got the spare key. It was a good thing I had kept the spare, if not I’d have to shell out like RM50 for a locksmith.

The second time was at a New Year’s Day party at my friend’s house. It was like 3am in the morning and I was about to leave after the party, when suddenly I realized that I had locked my keys in the car!!

My conclusion at that point in time was that it only happens when:

• I’m driving a car without central locking. (you would press the alarm button if you had central locking, thereby ensuring you’d never forget the keys)
• I wait in the car after stopping and killing the engine. (Thereby forgetting to remove the keys)

For the record the car I drive now have central locking. The two incidents happened when the cars I drove were so old that they were bought before central locking was invented.

Coming back to that incident on New Year’s Eve (well, actually it was already New Year’s Day).

So having found out that I left my #@!*& keys in the car, I went back in to ask for help. In the end, the party host, who learnt the trick from his old swimming coach, used a fork to unlock my car. I won’t go into the specifics here, all I can say is that he can make a decent living from the dark side.

So bottom line,

• Always have a spare key somewhere;
• Drive a car with central locking;
• Don’t drink too much wine at 3am at a New Year’s party;
• Always know where to find a fork (or part time car jacker);
• Don’t bloody well lock your keys in the car.

Third Prize in the “Me & My Car” Contest

As some of you might have noticed, I won the third prize in the “Me & My Car” contest organized by Dinzlink and his blogging car 8555 (both of which are on a temporary hiatus). I was quite ecstatic about it, I never win anything in all these contest (Dinzlink might want to interject here that there were only 4 entries, so Simon chances of winning was 75%, but Simon is not paying attention)

The prize was of course an ORIGINAL copy of the movie “Initial D” on ORIGINAL VCD. First off, I’m not a fan of recent Hong Kong movies (the last one I paid money to watch one was probably some Kung Fu Hustle, and before that Shaolin Soccer). It’s not that I have anything against HK movies, I used to watch one every week when I was in university. It’s just that every other one that comes out these days is either an unfunny slapstick bomb, pretentious high art muddle or a copycat cheap horror flick.

So about my ORIGINAL Initial D. I won’t go into a fanboy review here, there’s plenty of that around the Net. Instead:

If Initial D Was Set In Malaysia:

• Pasukan KL Menjerit and their modified Proton Iswaras will lose every race they compete in. Even to Team Cili Padi Killer Kancils.

• The traffic police can make RM30,000 per night on summons.
• KL mechanics and spare part dealers can afford to drive CLKs and live in Damansara Heights.
• The hero would beaten up every day in school for being an androgynous introverted effeminate loser.
• Roadkill cats, dogs, frogs, snakes, squirrels and drug addicts would litter the streets.

Remember folks, buy the ORIGINAL.

Top Ten Things You WON’T Hear in the Next Episode of Desperate Housewives

Top Ten Things You WON’T Hear in the Next Episode of Desperate Housewives by Simon (who auditioned and almost got the part of Edie…)

• “What kind of magic grass is this? It grows so fast I need to mow it EVERYDAY!”

• “I knew it!!! Dana is actually Dana Sculley! And look, here comes Fox Mulder! Woo-hoo!”

• “Sarah, let me be frank with you. I’ve actually been lying to you all this while. I’ve not really a plumber… I’m a top fashion designer for Salvatore Ferragamo, and I am SO gay. And darling, you SO need to make-over your wardrobe…”

• “You know what, Sarah? Sometimes I feel we are just four soap opera actresses in a fake TV series…”

• “Did you hear about the news, mom? They are changing the name of Wisteria Lane to Jalan V. David!”

• “Mom, we know that you have been popping these ADHD pills due to stress and exhaustion. We’re here to help you stop and get your life together again. Belia Benci DADAH!”

• “Good morning, ma’am. Would you be interested to see our new Amway products?”

• Teeet-teeet-teeet! “Old newspapers! Old newspapers!” Teeet-teeet-teeet!

• “What? Mike, how come you never told me you’re married? So you stay at home everyday because your wife is working all the time? So you’re a house-husband… and that makes you a Desperate Househusband…!”

• “No, Mrs. Solis, I can’t have sex with you today. I’m late for my Bible study.”

Top Ten Things I Learnt Watching Desperate Housewives

Top Ten Things I Learnt Watching Desperate Housewives by Simon (who has nothing else to watch on Tuesday nights…

Important Landmarks in Indonesia-Malaysia International Ties

Important Landmarks in Indonesia-Malaysia International Ties

1400 – Parameswara flees Palembang to come to Melaka. Takes the Dumai ferry.

1824 – Anglo-Dutch Treaty (Perjanjian Inggeris-Belanda). Great Britain and Netherlands swap autographs and divvy up trade rights in Southeast Asia. Refer to Form 3 History textbook.

1962-66 – Konfrontasi between the two neighbours. I won’t open up the can of worms here…

1967 – ASEAN formed and ‘Konfrontasi’ ended. Malaysia ‘kasi chan’ to Indonesia to host the secretariat in Jakarta.

1991 – Malaysia beats Indonesia to win the Thomas Cup. I can’t remember who won the next few ones.

2002 – Indonesian workers riot in Nilai and destroy property. Police intervene and mass deportation takes place. Reason for riots – RTM cancels Telenovela Indonesia on Saturday 5.00pm.

2002 – International Court of Justice votes 16:1 to award the territories of Sipadan and Ligitan to Malaysia after 4 years of deliberations.

2005 – Indonesia dangdut queen Inul Daratista performs in Malaysia, despite protests to the controversial ‘gerudi’ dance moves. (while the hugging and sexy clothes continue in AF3)

2005 –Malaysia experiences worst haze occurrence in recorded history, due to forest fires Indonesia. Jakarta to be awarded Guiness World Record certificate soon for the category (this portion deleted by Moderator)

(For some insightful ramblings of an Indonesian in Malaysia, check out the excellent The Indonesian Complains. Unfortunately he has gone missing, and it hasn’t been updated for some time…)

Top Ten Things to Bitch About Now That the Haze Is Gone

Now that the haze has relative cleared, we can’t talk or complain about it anymore. So what should we talk or bitch about during lunch hour or at the mamak? Here are some new topics.

Top Ten Things to Bitch About Now That the Haze Is Gone

• Price of petrol (Always a good one…)
• How long Rafidah will last (“We’re open for bets! Step right up!”)
• How the smokers are back in full force again… (If you think the haze was bad…)
• Whether next year’s haze season will come earlier or later. (“According to the Chinese calendar, it should come somewhere in July…”)
• KL drivers.
• “Wow, did you watch last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives?”
• Your neighbour’s cat dug up your trash again last night (“If I ever see that animal again…!”)
• National Service. (“When are they going to provide wireless hotspots at the camps?!”)
• The decline of morals and filial piety among the younger generation today.
• EPL.

If You’re An EPL Fan (for Malaysian Employees)

If you’re a Chelsea fan, you’re probably a new staff in the old company.
If you’re an Arsenal fan, you’re probably an Assistant Manager.
If you’re a Manchester United fan, your company has probably just been bought over by corporate America.
If you’re a Blackburn fan, you probably have a boring job.
If you’re a Manchester City fan, you probably just lost your best employee to that multi-national corporation.
If you’re a Sunderland fan, you’ll probably won’t stay long in this company.
If you’re a Wigan fan, you’re probably very popular in the staff canteen.
If you’re an Everton fan, you’re probably involved more major projects than you can handle.
If you’re a Portsmouth fan, you probably work in tiny office.
If you’re a Fulham fan, you probably hate your job.
If you’re Charlton fan, you probably have to keep reminding your colleagues you are still working in the company.
If you’re a Bolton fan, you’re probably too old and tired to for your job.
If you’re a Birmingham fan, you’re probably more interested in getting a better evaluation than the colleague sitting next to you.
If you’re a Aston Villa fan, you’re probably always telling people how long you’ve worked at this company.
If you’re a West Brom fan, you’re probably lucky to have survived the last retrenchment exercise.
If you’re Tottenham fan, you probably work in an office that’s overspending and overstaffed.
If you’re a Newcastle fan, you probably work in a beautiful office, but not much to do.
If you’re a Boro fan, you probably trying very hard to attend that executive trip to Europe.
If you’re a West Ham fan, you probably love your job at the moment.
If you’re a Liverpool fan, you’re probably the Manager of the month.

Ah, well, it didn’t turn out as great as I thot it would, but i suppose it’s good for one or two laughs…

Top 10 Most Good-Looking EPL Footballers

Not my idea of a good top ten list, but since SOMEONE asked for it, so I asked around for some feedback, and so here’s the make-shift list, it’ll will have to do.

Top 10 Most Good-Looking EPL Footballers by Simon (WHO IS NOT GAY!!!)

Robert Pires (Arsenal) – an obvious choice, as suggested by my friend Boone. I dunno, it must be that Gallic allure, or that cheeky goatee that drives the girls at the clock end screaming every Saturday afternoon.
Simon says he looks a bit like: A very young De Niro

Pic taken from dnet.net.id

Laurent Robert (Portsmouth) – This Newcastle bad boy has joined Pompey for the new season. He’s got that boy band look, unfortunately his football could be much better, as with his PR.
Simon says he looks a bit like: One of the guys of from N’Sync

Pic taken from www.fussballdaten.de

Sol Campbell (Arsenal) – Fine example of the classic English defender. I’ve never seen him lose his cool on pitch, even ruffled by nasty opposing wingers. Just ask one-time girlfriend Dido.
Simon says he looks a bit like: Amazing Race 7 winner Uchenna (and Grace)

Pic taken from pub.tv2.no

Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal) – I have to include him, because S-Kay says so. I’m haven’t met GOREBLOG, but I’m thinking he looks a bit like Fabregas…
Simon says he looks a bit like: Gorblog, I suppose.

Pic taken from 4thegame.com

Robbie Savage (Blackburn) – not a popular choice, but this guy looks every bit a rock star of Hollywood actor. Too bad he’s a jerk on and off the pitch.
Simon says he looks a bit like: Tom Cruise.

Pic taken from www.givemefootball.com

Shay Given (Newcastle) – The current Rep. of Ireland no.1 is definitely very popular at St. James Park. On any day he could be mistaken for a member of Boyzone (who incidentally are also from Ireland). Plus, he’s close buddies with the boys from U2, too.
Simon says he looks a bit like: Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Pic taken from www.univision.com

Freddie Ljungberg (Arsenal) – My female pals don’t think much of him. Plus, he’s got that grating, high pitched voice. But apparently he’s quite popular in Sweden and England. Since he’s also a Cavin Klein underwear model, I should mention him here.
Simon says he looks a bit like: he needs to put on his clothes.

Pic from lesbellesgueules.free.fr

Xabi Alonso (Liverpool) – this name came from a die-hard Red. He’s got that hard man, chiseled chin looks, kinda like how they draw Cyclops or Daredevil in the comics. Plus, even after 90 minutes of footie, his hair always seems unruffled.
Simon says he looks a bit like: one of the guys from the reality show “The Next Action Star”

Pic taken from www.univision.com

Harry Kewell (Liverpool) – A recommendation from another Reds supporter. I suppose he looks quite okay, but that’s because compared to Baros, Cisse and Nunez, he’s Manhunt material.
Simon says he looks a bit like: he’s overpaid.

Pic taken from www.liverpoolfc.tv

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (Man U) – At one time he was quite popular with the fan girls, with his baby cute looks. Seems to have disappeared from Old Trafford locker room.
Simon says he looks a bit like: he needs a tight slap.

Pic taken from www.liverpoolfc.tv

Gee, the things I do for my treasured readers… any other requests?