Top Ten Reasons the Indonesians moved the HAZE to PENANG…

Newsflash - the haze has started to clear in KL, but apparently its has just moved to Penang. Read about it here, here and here. Damn this haze. So you want to know why its gone to Penang? Here’s why:

Top Ten Reasons the Indonesians moved the HAZE to PENANG…

• Rebate on the PLUS highway for foreigners traveling in Malaysia (including those from Indonesia…)

• Awesome Char Kuey Teow.
• KL pharmacies have run out of stock for surgical masks. So the HAZE heard that Penang still got stock.
• Lovers along Batu Feringghi at night getting out of hand.
• Torturing KL citizens was no fun any more. Now for Penang, next JB…
• Southern Sumatra has run out of forest to burn, they have turned to Aceh for more forest to burn.
• Indonesians plan to secretly erect toll booth on the Penang Bridge during the HAZE.
• Some condo projects in Penang island have not paid their Indonesian labourers since July.
• Sale of kretek fags in Penang have dropped to unacceptable levels since May.
• The smoke from MITI was competing with the HAZE.

Cheer Up! Fun Things You Can Do About the Haze…

Yesterday 9 out of 10 pings on PPS was about the HAZE (i have to admit, including mine…). Today the gloom seem to have lifted abit, both in cyberspace and metrologically speaking. it could get worse again this evening, i’m pretty used to it by now.

Instead of trying to rant about it, i thought of giving some suggestions to do someting positive about the haze…

Top Ten Fun and Positive Things You Can Do About the Haze…

• Use hundreds of old jam jars and bottle up the dirty air. Later, sell them online on eBay as ‘authentic Malaysian Pollution & Haze, year 2005(vintage)’.
• Join one of those KLCC tour groups. Everytime the tour guide mentions the ‘fantastic view of the Twin Towers’, you answer ‘WHAT view?!’ or ‘Twin Towers?! Where?’
• Get all the portable fans from your friends and colleagues, fixed them up on your roof, and switch them on facing Indonesia (or your neighbour’s house, whichever is nearer).
• Fill your waterproof raincoat with ice-cubes while standing outside, and pretend your in Genting Highlands after a thunderstorm…
• Take an MC. (’Doctor, the haze is ruining my appetite for fags…’)
• Busk with a guitar on the street corner, singing oldies like ‘Purple Haze’, ‘Hazy Shade of Winter’, ‘Smoke Gets in Your Eyes’, ‘Smoke On The Water’, etc.
• Drive at 154km/h on the highway, claim to the cops that you can’t see the speedometer… (like Wingz).
• Start a letter writing campaign to the gomen to ban restaurants serving sizzling steak, the REAL reason for the haze.
• Spam the website for Department of Environment of our friendly neignhbour.
• Go to Penang/Cherating for the weekend…

  

Top Three Lists on the Backstreet Boys

This post is specially for anjali*. (Simon couldn’t care less for talentless, posey boy bands…)

Top 3 Rejected Songs for the Backstreet Boys’ New Album:

• “I’m Not A Boy, Not Yet A Man”
• “No, We’re Not Lip-Synching”
• “(After the Castration, I’m Now) Incomplete”

Top 3 Rejected band names before they chose ‘Backstreet Boys’:

• PetalingStreet Boys
• back* street* boys*
• Queer Eye for the Singing Guys

Top 3 Rejected Cover Versions for the Backstreet Boys’ New Album:

• “Hazy Shade of KL” (Originally by Simon & Garfunkel)
• “Hanging Tough” (Originally by New Kids On The Blog Block)
• “Y.M.C.A.” (Originally by The Village People)

Top 3 Hobbies of the Backstreet Boys When They Are Not Singing:

• Spamming Boyzone’s official website.
• Liposuction, chest hair waxing, and posing practice
• Answering hate-mail from Metallica fans (like Simon)

Top 3 Rejected Candidates for the 6th Member of Backstreet Boys:

• Michael ‘I Love Boys’ Jackson
• Mawi ‘Aku Pun Reti Nyanyi’ AF3
• Bo Bice (“He just wasn’t good-looking enough…”)

Top 3 Backstreet Boys’ Pet Peeves:

• When people assume that emoting in music videos is SO easy.
• Split ends.
• When people mistake them for the Paper Dolls.

Happy now, anjali*? Or do you want another on New Kids On the Bollocks?

simon talks Closed Temporarily Due To Haze

For those that have come here for the regular postings, simon talks is sad to announce that the blog is temporarily closed for the rest of the day due to the TERRIBLE haze. Simon regrets any inconvenience.

Blog postings will commence tomorrow morning. Hopefully.

In the meantime, maybe we can ponder on the following imponderable:

“How bad does the haze need to get before an environmental EMERGENCY is declared? When children and old folk start fainting on the streets?”

Ten Things I Noticed About the EPL

Ten Things I Noticed About the English Premier League (EPL)

• When they play winter matches in December and January, you can see it’s REALLY cold (except when Portsmouth play at home).
• Some matches like Blackburn versus Fulham are quite boring. I’m sorry, it really is.
• Manchester United and Chelsea aren’t the only rich teams. Tottenham and Newcastle, too, have some serious cash to burn.
• I have a strange, nagging feeling West Brom, Manchester City and Portsmouth won’t win the Premier League this year. No offence to their supporters, but its just gut feeling.
• Some players would rather sit on the bench of a rich, successful team than be the star player of an average team. Or even BEHIND the bench. (refer to Scott Parker, Alan Smith and Louis Saha)
• In general, English refs are pretty lenient on high tackles and back talking.
• When a home team player goes for a corner kick, you can see the camera phones coming out.
• Bolton has got some really old and slow players. That’s quite mean, but it’s true!
• You can never make out the words of the songs those half-drunk fans sing during the boring parts of the game.
• It’s quite disappointing to find out that the Premier League has nothing to do with the Justice League.

EPL Odds: So Who’s Gonna Win?

Footie fever is about to start. Whichever team is going to succeed this season will fuel the mamak stall chit-chat for the next 9 months.

Guess what, I got the latest odds from one of the UK’s online betting websites. I don’t advocate gambling, I’m more interested at the published odds.

Of course punters will know there are a million different odds for everyone to choose, but I’ve listed the most importants ones…

Chelsea being the top seeds for the Premier League title, obviously has the lowest odds. Bear in mind these odds change daily, so if you view it tomorrow, it may differ.

Chelsea 4/6
Arsenal 3/1
Liverpool 7/2
Man U 14/1
Tottenham 100/1
Everton 150/1
Middlesbrough 200/1
Newcastle 200/1
Aston Villa 250/1
Bolton 350/1
Man City 350/1
Birmingham 500/1
Blackburn 750/1
Charlton 750/1
Fulham 1000/1
Portsmouth 1500/1
West Brom 1500/1
Sunderland 2000/1
Wigan 3500/1
West Ham 5000/1

As for the league topscorer, the top 5 are listed below. Understandably, Drogba just improved his odds.

Thierry Henry 2/1
Ruud van Nistelrooy 6/1
Wayne Rooney 8/1
Didier Drogba 12/1
Hernan Crespo 12/1

The complete list has some really unlikely names, like Jared Borgetti (80/1, Bolton), Marlon Harewood (125/1, West Ham) Azar Karadas (150/1, Portsmouth) and Heidar Helguson (200/1, Fulham).

If you check the site out, you’ll find some interesting categories like Top Midlands Club and handicap betting. But remember though, “Judi itu Haram”.

Inaugural UTAR Convocation

My cousin just had her UTAR convocation in Wisma MCA two days ago. It was the inaugural convocation for the university, there was a special pull out in the Star papers with all the graduates’ names in them. It seems like only yesterday she enrolled as the first batch of undergraduates at the Section 14 campus.

The convocation apparently started a day before on Saturday, I saw the commotion outside Wisma MCA when I passed it on the way to work. Then when I was having breakfast at my favourite nasi kandar place (the one with the fluctuating price), it premise was invaded by beaming families carrying bouquets (yeah, why do you give graduates flowers? I never figured that one out…)

I have no idea what my cousin studied, I think it has something to do with journalism. All I know is that she lost her new handphone after coming to KL for one week. I think she left it on a bus.

Not only that, her mother (my aunt) says she takes one hour long baths. Every day. And before she came to PJ to study, she had never washed her own clothes. How she survived 3 years here is a great mystery.

Okay, enough about my poor cousin, she might be reading this.

A lot of people have their views of UTAR, but I suppose I have no extreme views about them. If not for them, my cousin would not have had an opportunity for a tertiary education, so say whatever you want, it does provide an avenue to study for those who cannot afford to study in private colleges or got rejected by the other universities.

I hear a few years time they will move to a permanent campus up in Kampar. One of the reasons is to bring development to the sleepy hollow for famous for their chicken biscuits and curry chicken bread. In a way I suppose its good, real estate prices and small business will definitely pick up in Kampar, but those who love the rural ambience may have to say goodbye to it forever.

Anyway, as the convocation season winds up, I can see a few more articles on top-scoring graduates in the front page of the newspapers in this or that university who aspire to be an astronaut/neurosurgeon/rocket scientist/PM. Then on the second page more reports of graduates hiding their qualification to get a job as a supermarket cashier.

(On a side note, each time I hear UTAR, the song ‘Utah Saints! U-U-U-Utah Saints!!’ keeps playing in my mind.)

The Kumars at No.42

There’s this annoying show on TV. Most of you know about it, it’s been around for awhile. It’s ‘The Kumars at No. 42’.

Well, OK, it’s not actually annoying, it’s just that I’m curious how a how with such low-brow, cheap humour can be so popular in the UK. Most English comedies I know are really funny and distinctly British, like Yes Minister, Fawlty Towers, Only Fools and Horses and Absolutely Fabulous.

There has always been simple-humour comedies coming from Blighty, like ‘Allo ‘Allo, Mind Your Language and the Benny Hill Show (boy, those last two were really good!) but the Kumars are on a whole different level of crass-ness.

Sometimes I wonder how they manage to get those high-profile English celebrities in their studio as guests.

But seriously, though, if you catch a glimpse of the studio audience when the camera pans, you would notice most of the people there are of South Asian-descent, including some Chinese (presumably students). But undeniably, the show has quite a following even among the whites. And presumably, they enjoy watching reruns of Jewel in the Crown and Goodness Gracious Me (by the same people actually).

Some time ago when there was an article that the newspapers that the show was such a big success the producers where considering exporting the franchise to other countries, while maintaining the format of a talk show by a minority family. They mentioned some possibilities, like the Polish in Germany, or gypsies in France.

I wonder if that concept will take off here, considering our propensity for low-brow humour. (Remember 2+1? Kelas?)

I can see it now… a comedy about a family of Bangla migrant workers living somewhere in Desa Pandan with a home-made studio in the backyard… interviewing Malaysian celebrities…

What Does Britney Spears Have I Don’t Have ?!!

What does Britney have that I don’t?! How come she’s a multi-million dollar recording artiste, I’m a minimum wage construction coolie. She drives a few Mercedes and Porsches, i drive a pathetic Proton Iswara. Aren’t we both humans? Don’t we both squat down at the toilet? (OK, maybe I squat, she sits…)

What does Britney Spears have I don’t have?!!

• She can sing. I also can. Mine voice can change the weather.
• She can dance. I also can. Babies and domestic pets love my dancing.
• She got great body. I also got body mah. Next to an elephant, I look like a supermodel.
• She makes slick, exciting videos. I like watching videos. Same, right?!
• Fans go wild and her concerts. I like wildlife. And wildberries.
• She got married for 57 hours. I can go 57 hours without bathing.
• She hates Christina Aguilera. So do I.
• She eats only once a day. Me too. (She’s on diet, I got no money…)
• So far she has 4 albums. I have the same number of photo albums.
• She is 24. I was once 24.

The PPS Dilemma

Finally, I have to say something concern the current events on PPS. In all these months of me associating with the Malaysian blog-tal, I have rarely mentioned anything regarding the current issues and challenges faced by PPS.

But now, winds of change are coming our way. In recent weeks, a few issues have hit PPS, but the three most important ones are blog throttling, commercial blogs and withdrawal from PPS by senior members.

In essence all three issues are inter-related, but I will first talk on the first two. And the it is not without irony the first two controversies are caused by the very same person, whom many bloggers I know consider a persona non grata. But after all the mudslinging and furore, you would think he would have learnt something from this. Ho-hum.

Anyways, the biggest criticism Aizuddin (PPS co-founder) faced in the wake of the heated debate was that he did not do anything public with all the suggestions. But for those unfamiliar, PPS belongs lock, stock and barrel to Aizuddin. He owns the domain name and webhosting space, but the support comes from all the participating bloggers. It can be said that PPS belongs to the spirit of the community, a common privilege of each blogger that pings. But in stark reality, it belongs to Aizuddin, if he so chooses to close it down tomorrow, no one can argue otherwise.

But in all fairness, I think Aizuddin has been more than fair and tolerant of the bloggers, even those who hurl less than pleasant words his way. And finally, he has instituted the PPS policies to address the problems. Well done, Aizuddin.

I feel that blog throttling has to be implemented, it goes against the open spirit of blogging, but some individuals have gone overboard and ruined it for the rest of the bloggers. So yes, I agree with the necessary evil of throttling.

On the second note, yes, separate the commercial blogs from the personal ones, but do not separate the personal blogs further. I don’t agree to categories like review blogs, humour blogs, tech gadget blogs etc. To me, pigeon-holing is against the very spirit of free speech and blogging. Yes, separate the profit driven blogs, but leave the rest alone.

And finally, the final point. A few bloggers have stopped pinging to PPS in the aftermath of the events. Many others may have done so in the past, but perhaps they did not publicize the decision. For those who have done so, I hope you reconsider your decision. The varied make-up of PPS depend a lot on different views, and I feel the experienced bloggers add an interesting depth to the sphere. I agree with Din and Eyeris, PPS is not as fun as it was some time back, but if all the serious bloggers stop pinging, it will be much worse.

At the end of the day, if you like a particular blog, bookmark or add it to your feed reader. And recommend it to your friends. If you don’t like a blog, don’t read it it, and tell your friends not to read or click them.