Some Obscure Movies That DID NOT Make It Here

Hah, year end, and I bet I’ll be seeing all these ‘Best Movies of 2005′ articles everywhere. Well, here are some obscure Hollywood movies, that for some strange reasons, DID NOT make it to Malaysia this year:

MR. & MR. Smith – Openly queer couple find out deep dark secrets about the other person. One of them discovers that the other person is actually a former member of the Village People back in the 70’s, the other Mr. Smith digs out a secret that his partner was one of the original members of the wildly fabulous “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy“. A bitter showdown takes place, hurtful words are thrown at each other, the whole Ikea store is thrashed in the melee.

Bore of the Worlds – Martians come en mass to subjugate the earth, one man wages a heroic battle to stop them. Unfortunately, Martians find out how shocking primitive earthlings are – no invisibility technology yet, no flying cars, Screamyx can’t even reach 100kbps, etc. So the Martians decide to abort the takeover and turn back. Martians take over Klingon homeworld instead.

Charlie and the Illegal Chocolate Factory - a Hong Kong businessman’s illegal factory on gahmen land is threatened by the authorities to be torn down to build a new highway. Charlie stands firm with his band of Malaysian workers, rallying the local residents (who love his famous “Chocolate Egg Tart” specialty) into a ‘little guy against the gahmen’ fight. Charlie loses fight, factory is torn down, American mega-corporation buys over secret recipe.

Bartman Begins – The Simpson’s first animated full length movie. Shows how Bart Simpson slowly transforms from annoying 10 year old brat into a dark, brooding, cape wearing crime vigilante with a cool car, utility belt and killer slingshot. Special appearance by Milhouse the Boy Wonder and the Comic Book Guy.

Fantastic 4-some – Top American 18SX movie for 2005. You can understand why it didn’t come to Malaysia.

Cinderella-la Man – A poor orphan guy is mistreated by his stepfather and evil jock step brothers into doing hard manual labour like setting LAN networks, lining up to pay Screamyx bills, ordering pizza, etc. One day fairy Godfather appears (played by Marlon Brando) and turns poor orphan into Backstreet Boy look-alike and turns carrot into Mitsubishi Evo VIII. Orphan gets to go to ball, but gets beaten to a pulp by bouncers. Has to leave before midnight or he’ll change back, leave iPod behind.

Fried Chicken Little – A shocking docu-drama expose in the style of Bowling for Columbine, investigating about the shrinking size of a fast-food restaurant’s fried chicken. But at higher prices. Utterly shocking.

Top Ten Things You’ll Bound to Hear in December

Ah, December, the month we all love to hate, or hate to love, depending on who we ask. And i’m counting the days until my next holiday…

Top Ten Things You’ll Bound to Hear in December

• “Mommy, Mommy, why is that Santa Claus sweating all over? I thought Christmas is supposed to have snow?”

• “Wow, I’ve watched Narnia 4 times already, I’m going to watch it again tonight!”

• OMG, my kids are driving me up the wall! How many more days until school reopens again?!”

• “Next year Chinese New Year fall on what day ah? How many days off do we get ah?”

• “Next year i’ll quit smoking… And this time i’ll keep my resolution, unlike this year. And last year, and the one before that.”

• “Your company got table calendar or not? Don’t have pikcher of pletty ger one i dowan ah…”

• “Eh, dun buy car now la. Everybody say next year car price sure come down one. Sure thing one.”

• “Eh! That-that supermarket got ‘post DeepaRaya pre-Christmas GongXi year end moving clearance sale‘!!! We must go man!!!!”

• “CNN/NBC/MTV/TV3 is proud to present to you… 2005: The Year That Was…”

• “So your company give how many months bonus aah? Only one month aa? My one give 6 months you know…!”

Top Ten Things Heard in A Chinese Wedding Dinner

You know what year end brings, right? No, not Christmas snow, not bonuses, Chinese wedding dinners. And while waiting 1.5 hours for the dinner to start, or for the next round of dishes to come, people tend to talk a lot (especially after 2 glasses of red wine). So here are some things i’ve heard (or would like to hear…)

Top Ten Things Heard in A Chinese Wedding Dinner

• “Yeah, the bride’s slim now, let’s see how she looks like after two Caesarians.”

• “OK, see that guy on the that table there? Next to the old man? That’s the bride ex-boyfriend lah! Last time almost got married one… And you know what else I heard…?”

• “Oh God, not another cheesy powerpoint presentation…!”

• “How can you eat shark’s fin soup? It’s so cruel…”

• “Wah, this is the third wedding dinner I’ve attended this month… pokai, man…”

• “What’s the next dish?”

• “Do you think the wedding cake is real?”

• “When is dinner starting? The invitation says 7.00pm sharp, it’s 8.30pm already!!”

• “Is Arsenal playing tonight? What’s the score?”

It’s Still Not Too Late

Today is Nov 24th, But you’re probably reading this on the 25th. That leaves us with 37 days in this year 2005, slightly more than 5 weeks.

Year end means a lot of different things to different people. Some people dread it coming like a something to be feared, others can’t wait for it to come. Most people fall somewhere in between, it’s just a passing month with no real significance.

It’s STILL not too late to…

• Work on the unfulfilled resolutions you set in January this year. Yes, all 25 of them.
• Start your Christmas shopping.
• Plan a year-end holiday.

It’s FAR too late to…

• Start looking hardworking so that you can impress your boss and try to get a decent year end bonus.
• Start studying. For STPM.
• Start on your Nanowrimo.

It’s WAY too early to…

• Plan for your Chinese New Year holidays next year.
• Start looking for a new job.
• Start speculating if your company will be giving out ang-pow or not.

It’s definitely NOT too early to…

• Start looking for 2006 table calendars.
• Complain about how crummy 2005 was for you.
• Line up for Narnia movie tickets.

Top Ten Ways To Hint To Your Boyfriend That You Want To Get Married

Since the last few posts have been mainly for guys, let’s do one for the ladies… Anyways, this is for Yvy, since i mistook her for someone else yesterday… eheheh… (the post is not ABOUT her, it’s FOR her to read, before anyone screams at me…)

Top Ten Ways To Hint To Your Boyfriend That You Want To Get Married

• “Honey, we need to talk. We’ve been going out for two years now, where do you think our relationship is going?”

• “Cindy‘s getting married next month… Wendy just got married… Amanda already has two kids… I wonder when will be my turn…? *Haih…!*” (Extremely loud sigh)

• “Honey, can you hear my biological clock ticking?”

• “Look honey, I bought you this great book I think you will find interesting – it’s called ‘The Big Book of Baby Names’.”

• “You know, my mom and dad are dying to ‘phou sueen’ (carry their grandchild / timang cucu), I hate to keep them waiting…”

• “Darling, I’ve bought a few DVDs for our weekend viewing… Let’s see, I’ve got ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding‘, ‘The Wedding Singer‘, ‘Notting Hill‘, ‘The Wedding Planner‘. Oh, I forgot to get ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral‘!” (guess who’s funeral is it gonna be if you refuse to watch…?)

• “Oh, look! Babyland and Mothercare stores are on sale! I just feel a sudden urge to go and shop there!”

• “You know what? All my friends say I look great in white. Don’t you think so too?” (and don’t mention she shouldn’t wear white during the day either…)

• “Let’s go shopping for my diamond wedding ring, dear… hey, don’t faint…!

• “So? When are we getting married?”

Satellite TV Rants

I was reading in some local forum where quite a lot of people where complaining about a certain Malaysian cable provider (let’s not mention the company to protect its identity, haw haw). The complaints aren’t new, and they aren’t the only people who have this problem.

One of the biggest gripe with them is not receiving the programme book. I dunno, I gave up reading the programme book a long time ago. Firstly because the print is so bloody small. Secondly, the programming is sometimes incorrect. They say one programme, but when the day comes another show in on. Plus for most of the sports programme, schedule of telecasts can’t be confirmed at the time of printing.

Plus, since they change to the big book format, they have two versions – the English one and the Chinese one. I have both English and Chinese channels, but I get the Chinese version, so I don’t have listings for some of the English channels. Go figure.

But the biggest gripe is that the book never comes on time. Sometimes, it never comes. Look, today is almost last week of the month, and me no see programme book.

They can say that you can check the programming in two other ways – using the website, and the on screen programme guide. Poop. Anyone who has used the on screen guide can tell you how slow and cumbersome it is to navigate that thing. Unless only my set has this problem, tell me (by the way, does anyone ever play those games they have on the other channels? No one I know does.)

The website is fine, but when I’m watching TV and my favourite TV show doesn’t come on and instead they show some crappy “Most Amazing Home Videos Involving Animals and Clumsy People”, they can’t expect me to boot my PC, log on to the Internet using dial-up… log on to their s-l-o-w website… you see the problem.

Every time I see their ads in the papers telling me they are making my life richer, it just cracks me up.

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriend (Not Under ANY circumstances)

Yeah, we guys know the situation, you’ve just said something off the top of your head straight to your big mouth (with going through the brain), and your girlfriend is upset, she’s not talking to you for the next few days.

Plus her mother is giving you dirty looks, and her dad, well, he’s giving you the ‘oh, my poor boy, what foolish thing have you done?’ look…

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriend (Not Under ANY circumstances)

• When’s your birthday again?

• Before you ask, yes, you look fat in that dress.
• That’s the fourth piece of chicken wing you’ve eaten tonight. You’re really want to put on weight is it?
• You know what they say about horizontal stripes, right? Do you?
• Haha, my friend mistook you for my elder sister the other day.
• Never mind. You won’t understand, anyway.
• What’s wrong with you? And don’t say ‘nothing’.
• Quit whining, woman.
• I wonder where would I be now if I didn’t meet you.
• How much did that dress cost? Looks expensive.

As a bonus, today’s top ten list has two other items.

• Wow, your sister looks hot in that dress.

• You know what, you’re becoming more and more like your mom everyday.

BlogsMalaysia: Sharp Bytes from Bolehland

Hah, with a tagline like that, you can tell it’s going to be good.

For local bloggers, you would have visited this site many times already. For those who don’t know yet, BlogsMalaysia is a meta-blog, a site run by bloggers, highlighting good posts by Malaysian blogs.

In their words:

BlogsMalaysia.com seeks to meng-orgy-kan blog posts and various content available on the big bad Internet wolf – basically bits and pieces that you and I (and soon the rest of the world) find interesting enough to mention.

Here’s how it works – you read a good posts somewhere, submit it in to the site, they will highlight it to the world. Like a Malaysian version of Singapore’s Tomorrow or Boingboing. Simple, no? And it is run by some of the most visible bloggers around in Malaysia, the list is found here.

So, go visit them, and make a little contribution to the Malaysian blog-sphere. And read some entertaining entries.

Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much McDonald’s

…and yeah, the top ten is back. Sort of, but its no big. After one week of meandering posts.

Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much McDonald’s

• Wednesday is the most exciting day of the week – it’s when they change the Happy Meal Toy.

• You can name every single McDonald’s outlet within the 10km radius of your house. And your office.
• When your sick, instead of forcing yourself to drink bird’s nest soup and herbal tea, you force yourself to eat McDonald’s porridge (yeeck…).
• You know exactly which burger type comes with what colour wrapping paper. (“No, no. You guys got it wrong. Yellow is McChicken, Blue is…”)
• Everytime anyone of your friends mention KFC or Burger King’s, you break out in sarcastic laughter.
• You remember (and have tried) all those obscure gimmicky products like Prosperity Burger, Prawn Sandwiches, Vegan Burger…
• You get withdrawal symptoms if you don’t get enough salt and fatty oils in one day.
• You are surprised to see how your friends can eat ‘other’ things for ‘breakfast’. Like cornflakes, bread, roti canai.
• You’ve the McDonald’s home delivery number – on speed dial.
• Your skin has turned pasty white, and your afro hair has become a shocking red. And you wear only yellow labcoats.

Good Brands to Buy

If you want to buy good mosquito coil, you need to buy one and only one kind – Fish brand mosquito coil. It’s in a yellow and white box, with a picture of a big-eyed goldfish on the cover. I’ve tried other modern brands, like Shelltox or don’t-know-what, but they tend to break easily, and drop shavings all over the place when you handle them.

If you want to buy matches, there is only one good brand to buy – the one with the picture a flying superhero on it. What do you use matches for nowadays, you may ask. To light the mosquito coils, of course. Anyway, if you can’t find the brand with the flying superhero on it (I believe that guy looks like Shazam), there are two alternatives. One is the three coin brand (the coins have pictures of people on them) and another brand is this gorilla holding a giant matchstick.

Actually there are all probably from the same manufacturer, but it doesn’t matter, the superhero brand is first choice.

And if you think Gardenia and High 5 bread is too expensive, don’t worry, there is a really cheap alternative that tastes just as great. Sure, it may not have a thousand and one minerals and vitamins, but hey, bread is bread. You may want to try ‘Kunci Emas’ brand (that’s Golden Key brand), it’s cheap, it’s tasty, and it has a way cooler name than Gardenia.

And finally, this one is for college students and bachelors who are tight on cash. If you hate to stump out lots of money for powder-ful bath soaps or gel like Seba Med or Palmolive or Lux, try buying Sabun Buku Klorofil 999 (‘999 Chlorophyll Soap Bar’). Trust me, it works just as well, if not better. It comes in a small squarish bar, it has a green paper packing and has a picture of a parrot on it. You can find it in almost every Malay sundry shop all across the country. What on earth of is a chlorophyll soap? Beats me. But if there’s a picture of a parrot on it, it has to be damn effective.

Works the same, fraction of the price.