A Foreigner Reading Our Papers

About 10 years ago, I met this guy, a foreigner from another continent, who had just arrived in Malaysia to pursue a post-graduate degree here. One day over breakfast, he asked me this question:

Friend: Hey Simon, I’ve been reading your local newspapers recently, and there’s a few words I don’t understand.

Me: Don’t read the Malay papers or Chinese papers of you don’t understand la.

Friend: No, no. It was the English papers.

Me: Really? Were they swear words?

Friend: I don’t think so.

Me: What words?

Friend: One of them I keep reading in the front few pages everyday. I think it’s some national concept or something. ‘Kelantan’.

Me: Eheheh… It’s not a national concept, my friend. It’s one of the states in the East Coast.

Friend: Really? Why is it always mentioned in the national news?

Me: I dunno. Probably because its one of the few states in Malaysia ruled by an opposition government.

Friend: Oh I see. Then there’s this other word I can’t figure out. It’s always mentioned in the papers – ‘rakyat’. What on earth does it mean?

Me: That’s easy. It’s Bahasa Malaysia for ‘the people’ or the citizens.

Friend: So why don’t they use the word ‘people’? Does it have a deeper meaning?

Me: No, it means pretty much the same. I suppose some people like to use the word ‘rakyat’ to show that they are connected to the grassroots. I dunno.

Friend: I see. And also this Dr. Mahathir I keep reading, he’s the Prime Minister right? (Bear in mind this was about 10 years ago…)

Me: Yes. He’s quite famous internationally. Haven’t you read about him back home in your country?

Friend: I don’t know. I hardly follow international news back then. But I notice my lecturers always mention this guy ‘Anwar’. He seems like a political hotshot.

Me: Oh, him? Yeah, the media are really playing him up. He’s the DPM, the papers say he will most likely to succeed Dr. Mahathir when he retires.
(Again, bear in mind this was about 10 years ago…)

Friend: Really, how do you spell his name?

Me: ‘A-N-W-A-R’. Same way you spell Anwar Saddat’s name.

Friend: Hmmm… Must remember this guy. He seems like he’s going to big news.

Me: Yeah, I suppose.

Anyway, I suddenly remembered this conversation recently. I’ve lost contact with this pal of mine after he went home, I wonder if he remembers about Anwar after all that had happened…

Please Help My Client Mr. Rojaks

Harlo, This is Carpal Tunnel.

I am a fehmes lawyer, you donno me aa? Today I am guest-blogging for Simon, that guy never pass high school, so he kenot tok about law.

Because today, I am going to talk about my latest high profile case. Very de big, even people is Sing-ah-pok and USA also following. Bigger than the Anwar case, bigger than Microsop anti-trust case.

I am representing my client Mr. Rojaks. Please read the story here hor. He is a nice family man, a bit lengchai, but he has been threatened to be sued by anoder rich blogger. Now please, hear the story of my venerable client before you close this window.

My client Messr. Rojaks, is threatened by a lawsuit because he want to parody the said rich blogger with a nude photo. How can?! Actually my law degree quite caplang one, so I ask my fellow loyar buruk friend Mr. Buaya69 (who was called to the Bar, to drink beer), he go and find some very deep law stuff.

So how? My client got no money, no benefactor, drive small car. So he is calling all the bloggers to sapot him! If you strike 4D, donate to him (so he oso can buy bigger CLK). If you got RM500,000 under your mattress, donate to him! If you work for national newspaper, give him a press conference!! Front page sommore!

But got no money, how? Put button also can! Not your baju punye button la, but website button! Mr. Rojaks fren Alexallied got some button, see there la.

We must support the voice of the small blogger!

Anyway, if you dowan to donate or sapot, you can oso read all the blogs at Mr.Rojaks site. All very farnee one!

OK, hor, I got to stop guestblogging, Simon wants his blog back. But dun worry hor, if he edit what I wrote this post, he make sure it doesn’t ping again to PPS one.

Your sincerely,
Carpal Tunnel.(Universiti Jatuh Standard)

Short Post

Short post today, not in the mood for histrionics.

I was in KLCC last week, I wanted to go to one of the particular shops. But guess what, it was closed. There was a paper note stuck to the roller shutter. According to them, they were closed due to power failure, until further notice.

Then I remembered reading about a fire at one of the exits to the cinema in KLCC, and the power failure was due to a fire during the Hari Raya week. I noticed it wasn’t that one shop only, all the shops in the new wing were closed.

Wow, I thought. That’s a lot of potential business lost. I wonder if the shops’ insurance covers these eventualities. I suppose they do.

Anyway, some things you don’t want to hear in a packed cinema:

• “Mummy, have you seen my pet scorpion? I’ve lost him…”

• “Oh my goodness, what’s this gooey stuff I stepped on? It’s not chewing gum, that’s for sure.”

• “What movie are we watching? What movie? Is Brad Pitt acting? I only watching movies that has Brad Pitt in it. How many stars did this show receive? Is it PG-13? What…”

• “Hello, miss? Can you hold my hand, miss? I’m afraid of the dark…”

• ”WILL YOU STOP KICKING MY CHAIR!!!”

• “Hello, lengchai, can you please keep to your side of the arm rest? Don’t make me angry aah?”

• “How come this lousy cinema don’t sell kuaci and kacang putih one?”

• “Mummy, I need to go and I need to go, NOW. Oh no, mom, I think I just WENT.”

Like I said, short post.

Blog Wars, Coffee Bean and Dawn Yang

In case you haven’t been looking, blog wars are all the fad again these few days, at least. You don’t need the links here, but PPS regulars will know about it.

But this is one of the funniest post on the topic! Ah well, it’s the only one that was meant to be funny, the others were like, you know, in a blog war.

Anyway, Eyeris, Coffee Bean is t3h pwn! SanFran Coffee is not! (Muahahahahar…!)

And another thing:

What’s up with Dawn Yang in the news? Generating lots of heat (as they say in pro wrestling) over here, even if she’s not Malaysian. Well, she seems a nice person in her blog, maybe the media should cut her some slack. But you know, they’ve got to sell more papers. Anyway, this post by PennyPupz says it all.

National Cancer Society Malaysia

I visited this site some months back, and would encourage you to visit it and donate or help out if you can.

National Cancer Society of Malaysia

In short:

How can you help?
Wear a wristband to show your support. The CELEBRATELIFE sexy wristband can obtained from NCSM’s office, Starbucks (nationwide) or from pledged supporters. There’s even a competition to win a trip for two to Europe.
Click here.

Pledge a donation.
Click here.

Volunteer your time to help in many different ways.
Click here.

Untitled

OK, I’ll admit it was harsh and unfair of me to mention the school name, no malice intended. If I were an ex-student, I would have a right to be offended. Point taken, post deleted. Apologies to anyone who offended.

How To Enter Malaysian University: Another Fictional Story

Mummy: What are you doing, watching MTV again?

Mei-Mei: Yaa-aah… (sitting down like a vegetable in front of the TV, drool streaking down the chin)

Mummy: I told you! No MTV during weekdays! And weekends!

Mei-Mei: But…but…but…

Mummy: But-but-but what! But my head, ah! Turn off the TV! Go and study!

Mei-Mei: Aiyoh, Mummy… exam over already la, now going to school holidays-lah, Mummy…

Mummy: Eh, you don’t be so big-mouth, ah? I ask you to go and turn off the TV, you better listen to me ah? Holidays mean no need to study meh?

Mei-Mei: Study what? Study the TV guide aa?

Mummy: Blardyhew! You don’t talk like that to your mother aa? You don’t study hard, how to get into local university?

Mei-Mei: Mummy, now local university ‘jatuh’ (drop) standard already, the paper got say ma… UM and USM now quite low ranking already.

Mummy: You don’t talk rubbish la! UM is world class one man! When I was small, all the smart students go there one la… what ‘jatuh’ standard… rubbish.

Mei-Mei: You dun believe me, you read the paper lor.

Mummy: Paper say must believe meh? Paper put 4 digit you go and buy or not?! Anyway Malaysia don’t have two university only one you know. UM and USM cannot still got UUM-lah, UPM-lah, UKM-lah…

Mei-Mei: Eeeyer… dowan to go tat kind of university la… all my friends going to private college, some more my best friend going oversea, I also want to go…

Mummy: Go Oversea Restaurant also cannot afford, you want to go overseas aa? Dream la! Study dowan, do homework dowan, everyday watch TV and play only! When I was your age, I wake up at 6am and walk to school you know!

Mei-Mei: Eleh, Kong-kong (grandfather) say you live next to the school only ma!

Mummy: Don’t try to be smart OK?! Turn off the TV and GO AND STUDY! I WANT YOU TO GO TO UNIVERSITY!!!

Mei-Mei: But…but…but…

Mummy: BUT WHAT?!!

Mei-Mei: But I’m only in Primary Two…!

For another post on the subject, check out this one by Simon:
SPM A1 Record: A Fictional Story

“Wah, Long Time No See Ah?”

Other Person: Wah, my friend. Long time no see ah?

Simon: No, not really. I saw you last week at the shopping centre ma. I saw you with this girl, you pretend not to see me only ma.

Other Person: No lah, where got. The last time I saw you was probably in college long time ago la.

Simon: I’m very sure it was you la. You were trying to impress this girl, talking in your fake Australian accent some more, right or not?

Other Person: Eh, dun say like that. I where got girlfriend. I ten years never see already, wah you put on a lot of weight la.

Simon: Really? Got meh?
(Any bloody moron can see that, moron…!)

Other Person: Yalah, why you never exercise one aa?

Simon: Got. Who say don’t have. Anyway, you also put on 20 lbs aa? You never exercise aa?
(you look like Jabba the Hutt now, I dowan to say only)

Other Person: No lah, where got (Gee, you love to say that phrase, izzit?). I’m big-boned only ma. Anyway, the colour of this shirt makes me look bigger only.

Simon: Really ah? What size is that? KKXL?

Other Person: What’s KKXL?

Simon: ‘King Kong Extra Large’.

Other Person: Haha, very funny, no la. I wear size M, very fitting. Same size I wore when I was 18 year old.
(Really? You also wore KKXL in school ah?)

Simon: Yeah, OK. Whatever you say.

Other Person: So hah, since college you never keep in touch oredi hor? Yeah la, married man, very busy hor… heheh…
(WTF?! I just saw you last week! And YOU ignored me!!)

Simon: Not really what. I still keep in touch with my friends ma.

Other Person: But you never come for our reunion gatherings…
(Well, excuse me if I don’t come for all those alcohol bing-bragging session-talking rubbish-gatherings you people call ‘reunion’)

Simon: Aiyah, timing not right. Sometimes got work.

Other Person: Anyway, its good I bumped into you, I actually wanted to look you up (no shi!t, I bet you were).

Simon: Why aa?

Other Person: No lah, nothing lah… Are you fully insured aa? I’ve actually doing insurance now aa…

Simon: AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!! (DUSH::DUSH::DUSH *bangs head against wall*)

Note: This guy I’m talking to is not my ‘friend’, I made it clear its JUST ‘other person’.

Second Note: This conversation never took place, the ‘other person’ doesn’t exist. Although there are a lot of people I’d like to say it to.

Third Note: Simon’s wishes to apologize for murdering the English language in this post. Normal service will resume tomorrow.

How to Tell If Your Girlfriend is Watches Too Many Hong Kong Serials…

My wife watches it. Your girlfriend watches it. Your colleagues gossip about it at lunch hour. Even your kid sister fights the remote with you to watch it. It’s that scourge of local/cable TV known as “Hong Kong TV serials”.

How to Tell If Your Girlfriend is Watches Too Many Hong Kong Serials…

• She changed her name from Jessica to some la-la name like Candy, Mimi or Flora.

• She can remember the exact dialogue of a particular scene of the TVB serial ‘Healing Hands’ shown on Astro 3 years ago featuring her favourite actor, but she can’t remember your apartment number.

• She has Dynasty Package and Emperor Package on her Astro decoder. No sports channels, no news networks, no kiddie cartoons package, just the important Wah Lai Toi.

• Everytime you’re sick, she INSISTS on making you bird’s nest soup. And forces you to finish the whole Tupperware container. Even though her version tastes like crap and you swear it makes your fever worse.

• To her, everybody in the world can be divided into only 6 categories of people – good people (like you and her), policemen, crooked gangsters, rich arrogant folks that look down on you, old folks that give out pearls of wisdom and colleagues who can bitch and gossip like there’s no tomorrow. There is no in between.

• Rain or shine, flood or mudslide, traffic jam or roadblock, she MUST be home on weekdays to catch the TV2 6pm serial. Unless she has already seen it on Astro or videotape (but she’ll still watch it again anyway).

• All the pop songs she knows are either theme songs from the serials or sang by the actors featured in the show. And they’re all soppy ballads that are sweeter than condensed milk in Coke. And no, she doesn’t know any Hoobastank.

• Everytime one of those TV stars come to Malaysia, guess who’ll be right there at Sg.Wang Plaza to meet them with the posters and whistles and glowsticks, screaming their names at the top of their voices?

• Every time her sisters or girlfriends meet up from all over the country, guess what will they be talking about? (I’ll give you a hint. It ain’t about the share market…)

• Disturb her during the ‘holy hour’ (weekdays, 8.30pm to 9.30pm, Wah Lai Toi Astro Channel 30) and you’re dead meat.

For Simon’s evergreen post on Hong Kong TV serials, click on the link…

18 Things I Learned from Watching HK Cantonese TV Serials

“Why You So Sepet Ah?”

I watched Sepet on TV last week (first day of Raya), it was the first time I watched it in it entirety. I know, I know, everyone has watched it when it was released it the cinema, but let’s face, this blog is never up to date in anything.

For the benefit of non-Malaysians, or those who have never heard of this locally produced movie, it’s a very simple love story between a Chinese boy and a Malay girl in Ipoh. They were classmates in primary school, and meet again after years later.

The guy (Jason) was a bleached blond pirated VCD seller (so typical…) and the girl (Orkid? Orked?) is from a solid family background is middle class Malaysia.

The entire movie is revolved around the symbolisms of clashing cultures: Chinese / Malay, seedy gangsters / blissful family, urban Chinatown / suburban Malay bungalow land, etc. Set in the paradox of symbolism itself, Ipoh. Ipoh is perhaps the most culturally vibrant and cosmopolitan city / town in Malaysia, second probably only to Penang (trust me, I know). And definitely far more than that other town known as Kuala Lumpur.

To be critical, the movie is a little soppy in parts and a tad too simplistic in its storylines. Some bits were obviously Hongky-wood influenced, I didn’t like character of the girl’s father (he’s a famous comedian real life).

But here’s the thing. Sepet stands out as the best Malaysian movie in a long long time, not because it’s exceedingly good (maybe it is, I’m trying to prove another point here), but because the rest of the output from the so-called established Malaysian movie industry veterans is utter crap.

Yes, I’m being cruel, but its true. Watch (or don’t watch) any movie in the last 25 years, and you know what I mean. Any movie by all those Hafsyams or Yusof Haslams or Senario nutjobs are so stupid and shallow and cheap-Bollywood-rip-offs any sane, tasteful Malaysians won’t pay to watch. Especially those featuring local singers attempting to act. Like Awie Wings. Or Erra Fazira. Or Any of those lame-ass ballad crooners. Dude, my high school drama had better acting. Seriously. Speaking of which, I half-watched one the other day (2nd day of Raya), featuring some Akademi Fantasia ‘stars’. Sure, win a second rate reality show-singing contest qualifies you to star in a so-called blockbuster. Sheesh.

So, I say Sepet is good, a breath of fresh air, in a shitty film industry. Kudos to the director, Yasmin. At least she GETS race relations in Malaysia. Just like Lat does. And she knows what proper scripting and dialogue means. Sadly too many other people don’t.

Go watch it, at the risk of sounding clichéd. By the way, I wrote a parody of the movie some months back. With two sequels. But read the first one, not the sequels (not so funny, I know).

Simon’s Sempit series (Sepet parody):
Sempit: A Malaysian Love Story
Sempit II: Some More Love Story
Sempit III: Malaysian Love Gone Wrong