Hollywood Movies and My Nanowrimo Plotline

Been contemplating my nanowrimo story line these few days. Which got me thinking about common storylines found in books, movies, plays, games and TV shows. They are always the same, whether it was made 50 years ago or yesterday. There is a saying that all over the world in any culture, there are about 10 or so folk tale story lines, and it’s they are all pretty similar across different cultures and country.

Anyway, we don’t have to look far. Hollywood recycles the crap plotlines over and over again. Here’s a few. These may or may not feature in Simon’s Nanowrimo novel.

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy wins back girl. They live happily ever after. However, updated for the new millennium, the variation would go something like this – Boy meets boy at Backstreet Boys concert, boy loses boy… you get the gist of it. Another one I read was even better. Boy robot meets girl robot. Boy robot loses girl robot. Boy robot builds girl robot. Bwahahaha. Cracks me up each time.
Some examples (not the robot one): Any rom com by Meg Ryan or Hugh Grant.

***

Fantasy medieval civilization comes under threat of a mad God / evil tyrant / invading warlord / powerful wizard / Godzilla-like creature / horrible natural disaster. Ancient prophecy of a chosen one comes true in the form a small child from the village or a stranger who appears from nowhere. Hero usually has a strange power like prescience / prophecy / shoots flashy thunderbolts from hand / can call upon furry animals or CGI crap like that. Anyway, hero (usually with dark past and broody demeanor) beats the sh!t out of big bad guy, wins the girl, saves the village, rides off into the sunset in a flying Pegasus.
Some example: Clash of the Titans, King Arthur.

***

Aging sportsman (like boxer or athlete) gets beaten by cocky rival. Then follows a humiliating phase where he loses everything and all the worldly possessions. He hits rock bottom with alcohol, and finally turns around with help of family or new love. Trains up again for revenge match-up. Wins vindictively, of course. Then some sentimental crap follows.
Some examples: Rocky. Most of these sports movies are pretty crap anyway.

***

Former hitman is called out of retirement for one last hit by his former employers, the Mafia, some top secret neo-governmental organization or some seedy rich corporation. Hitman family killed long ago, he’s always gripped with guilt about not being to do anything about it, cue horrifying recurring nightmares and inner demons. Later finds out target mark is some innocent hot chick, has a change of heart, makes a run for it (with the girl, of course, if not there wouldn’t be a movie) while dodging more hitmen from his employers. Lots of slo-mo gunfights and extra in spiffy suits getting wasted in a variety of ways. Hitman and cute chick live happily ever after in Mexico. Or Tahiti.
Some examples: The Replacement Killers.

***

Teenager has crummy life, squabbling parents, gets bullied in school. Freak accident sends teenager back in time to childhood or parents teenage years, giving him/ her a chance to fiddle with the past to change the future. Then freak accident happens again and send hero back to present. Now there is two possible endings, either the change is for good, or, there is no change at all, hero realizes to be thankful for his/her life.
Some examples: 13 Going On 30, Back to the Future, Peggy Sue Got Married.

***

A group of boys and / or girls go on a road trip across the country (its always America, never Sudan or Kazakhstan) just before entering college, as a last chance of freedom. Along the way, the young kids, discover themselves, fall in and out of love, discover their lost innocence of youth and finally become reach adulthood (as contradictory as that sound), discover the beauty and rural warmth of their country (always America, never Bangladesh or Azerbaijan).
Some examples: mostly road movies, can’t remember their names at the moment.

***

Girl sees ghost. Lots of blood, screaming and shuffling in the dark.
Some examples: Every other Korean movie these days.

***

Aliens come in their flying saucers at night and abduct nubile girls to perform strange body probes, chip implants and brainwashing. No particular story line or ending.
Some examples: Plan 9 from Outer Space, Mars Attack!

First NaNoWriMo Meet-Up

Yeah, so I braved the traffic jam to get to 1 Utama MPH last night (the traffic wasn’t half bad) to attend the first Malaysian nanowrimo meet-up.

It turned out to be quite a fun event, actually, got to finally meet up with Sharon, who gave a good intro about the history of nano-ing.

Some bloggers were there, finally had a chance to say hi to minishorts and eyeris, and quite a few other nano-ers.

i learnt a few things last night:

1. I’m NOT the only one who does not have a plot ready yet… (phew!)
2. 50,000 words IS A LOT of words! An average posting on my blog is about 200 words, so that’s like 250 blog postings in a month! It took me like 8 months to reach 250 entries in this blog, so go figure… (I have to say that my Top10 lists have far lesser words… eeep…)
3. Sharon is such a sweet and nice person…
4. I’ve got to convert my novel from Word document to a text file before I submit. That means I can’t use basic formatting like bold and italics. Damn.
5. In person, minishorts is one hawt chick…!

Looks like I have to get cracking if I’m going to complete it this year. I think I’ve got the opening line down pat:

“It was a dark and stormy night…”

Good, eh? I can’t just see it winning the Booker Prize!

Jam Here, Jam There, Everywhere Jam

My calendar tells me there’s one more week to Hari Raya. No, I don’t have one of those talking calendars, it’s just a figure of speech. Anyways, for those of you who are not Malaysians (yeah, like any of THOSE people read this blog…) Hari Raya is the local name for Aidil Fitri, the biggest celebration for Muslims.

And it’s the biggest holiday stretch in Malaysia. Double it up with Deepavali (the Hindu Festival of Lights) just two days before, you have the biggest human exodus in the country. Bigger than Chinese New Year (for the benefit of non-Malaysians, it’s… oh, never mind…)

These few days the traffic has been uncharacteristically heavy in the evenings, but I’m kinda immune to horrendous traffic these days. Anyway there’s an easy way out – wait until after 7pm and the traffic relatively clears (Note I said ‘relatively’). Unless it rains. Then all hell breaks loose.

I’m not doing another top ten list, but I’ll list down some things that cause traffic congestion in KL, fasting month or not. There, coincidentally, are probably ten reasons on the list. Anyway, the causes for reasons for jams:

• Moronic drivers that stop in the yellow box, because they think that when the traffic light turn yellow, it means ‘still can go’ or ‘drive faster’.

• Moronic driver that don’t know how to queue at traffic lights and toll gates. Moronic drivers. Did I mention that these drivers are moronic? Morons.

• Fallen tree branch on the road. Drivers can tahan a 2-hour jam caused by it, but can’t spare 2 minutes to move it aside.

• Flood on the road. Due to rubbish and debris clogging the drains, which are too small to cater for the stormwater and surface runoff caused by over-development and inconsiderate fly-by-night developers.

• Potholes. Apparently, these are the footprints of giant mammoths that roam the KL streets after midnight.

• Stalled car. It only happens during peak hour. In the middle lane of the 3 lane highway.

• Road accident.

• Curious on-lookers and 4-D hunters looking and admiring the abovementioned road accident. Even if the number-plate is smashed to a million pieces, the entire group will patiently fix it back to see the number, while traffic is honking at them.

• Miss Malaysia standing at the roadside.

• Ah kua’s (transvestites) standing at the roadside. The queue is longer than Miss Malaysia’s queue.

• Road accident caused by car hitting pothole and fallen branch while distracted by Miss Transvestite Malaysia while in the yellow box.

Simon Joins NaNoWriMo 2005!

I’ve seen it around PPS before, but never really knew what the heck it was about. Until my friend Pat called me and harassed encouraged me to join. So I went home and read about it in the papers. Very interesting, i thought, then i checked out Bibliobibuli‘s blog, coz I remember reading something about it there.

And guess what, I decided to join nanowrimo 2005!

The project is to get people to write a 50,000-word novel in the 30 days of November. There are no prizes, no strict rules or no pre-qualifications. They just want to encourage people to start writing.

For the lowdown, you can check out the official site, and there’s a blog by local nano-ers. (by the way, i also found out this dude and this guy also joined…)

So what am I going to write about? Er… no idea. Probably something along the lines of Gaiman’s Neverwhere or DBC Pierce’s Vernon God Little. Or not.

Eek. Well, at least if no one reads it, I’ll make Pat read it til the end, hor, Pat hor?

somehow eyeris’ Jesper the Talking Hamster seems like a fantastic idea now…

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Getting That Promotion You Were Hoping For

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Getting That Promotion You Were Hoping For by Simon (who hasn’t been promoted for years)

• The tea lady and the despatch boy have more company benefits than you.

• You’ve been working there for 3 years now, they still haven’t confirmed you.

• Whenever you ask your boss about your promotion, he laughs hysterically until tears stream down his face.

• They moved your parking space right next to the refuse chamber.

• You come back to work after a long weekend, and find your boss has forgotten your name.

• After working there for two years, the company organization chart still shows your position as ‘t.b.a.’.

• Come the company family day, guess who has to carry the water bottles for the everybody across the park?

• They’re asking you to interview fresh graduate candidates – FOR YOUR POST.

• You envy the prestige and money of your friends working at McDonalds.

• You actually WORK in McDonalds.

Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend is Actually Psychopath Murderer

These days there are too many nutjobs and gila people out there, so it’s always good to be extra cautious. You never know your best friend or boyfriend, who is always so mild mannered, soft spoken, drinks Cherry Coke can be a secret maniacal serial murderer…

Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend is Actually Psychopath Murderer

• He watches House, Medical Investigation, CSI, CSI:Miami, CSI:Bukit Lanjan religiously every week. And takes notes.

• Every morning at 4a.m. he has to stand out in the cornfields for two hours “to communicate with the mothership”.

• His dog is named Charlie Manson.

• He eats meat curry everyday. Chicken meat curry, mutton curry, beef curry, exotic meat curry, you get the picture. (Wait, a minute, how ‘exotic’ is ‘exotic’…?)

• He has a king-sized freezer in his basement. And it’s not for beer either.

• He buys laboratory supplies like formaldehyde, chloroform, rubber gloves and scalpels by the boxes.

• Everything he chops chicken meat for dinner, he screams, “Die, you piece of meat, DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAR! ”

• There are so many of knives, cleavers and swords in his closet that it his house actually attracts lightning during thunderstorms.

• At every meal time, he’ll say, “your cooking is to die for”.

• He is a active voting, card-carrying member of the Malaysian Society of Psychopathic Murderers and Sociopaths, or MASOPAMS.

Guys and Girls: What They WANT and What They GET

Top Three Things Guys GET for their Birthday:

• A Polo shirt.
• A necktie.
• Car refreshener.

Top Three Things Guys WANT for their Birthday:

• Motorola RAZR v3
• Xbox 360
• A crate of beer, Doritos and uninterrupted EPL viewing.

Top Three Things Girls GET for their Birthday:

• Chocolates.
• Lingerie (they get this from boyfriends AND girlfriends)
• Teddy bears.

Top Three Things Girls WANT for their Birthday:

• Your time.
• Your attention.
• Your understanding.

Top Three Excuses Guys give when they are late:

• “Sorry, traffic jam.”
• “Sorry, had to work late.”
• “Sorry, mumblemumblemumble” (the last bit is unimportant, they only want to hear the first word…)

Top Three Excuses Girl give when they are late:

• “Have you been waiting long?”(to which the answer will always be ‘no’ even if it’s been 2 hours…)
• “Let’s go.”
• “Do you know when you leave the engine running, you’re wasting petrol?”
  (OK, fine, they’re not excuses, but that’s what they’ll say…)

Top Ten Ways To Break Up with your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Please Note: Simon is NOT speaking from EXPERIENCE. He just watches too much TV.

Top Ten Ways To Break Up with your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

• “You know people tend to change when their relationships grows over time…? Well, in the 4 days we’ve been going out…”

• “Kyle, at first I thought it was cool that we both like Tom Cruise and the Backstreet Boys. But after I found out about your obsession with the Village People and Freddie Mercury, I started getting worried…”

• “I read you blog today, Joe. How can you say that? It’s over between us.”

• “Look, Sarah, at first I thought me dressing up as Jabba the Hutt and you as Princess Leia in the gold bikini was kind of exciting, but making me wear this rubber suit the whole day gives me second thoughts about your Star Wars fetish and our relationship.”

• “Danny, you’re 29 years old, and you watch Bob the Builder all day… and last night during dinner with my parents, the last straw came when you called my Dad ‘Barney the Purple Dinosaur‘.”

• “No, I have nothing personal against this cult you’re in. I was OK with your daily goat slaughtering, I was still fine with the naked dance around the fire at midnight. I didn’t even say anything when you donated all your money to the High Priest. But when you ask me to be your virgin sacrifice, I had to draw the line…”

• “For the millionth time… My name is JOANNE, and STOP CALLING ME RINOA!!! And for the 10 millionth time, I WILL NOT CALL YOU SQUALL LEONHEART EITHER!!! And for God’s sake, PUT DOWN THAT GUNBLADE!!!”

• “If you can’t beat me at DOTA, you can’t be my boyfriend anymore, Andrew. I love you, but rules are rules.”

• “Gee, you can’t even fix a toaster? My ex-boyfriend Gary was so good at fixing stuff, he rewired my washing machine, overhauled my Kelisa. One time Gary even re-tiled by dad’s roof by himself! Wow, I miss Gary…”

• “Look Michelle, we’re very incompatible. I’m a professional webmaster, multiple forum moderator, an PHP expert, I own 3 blogs with 15,000 visits every day and 4,000 incoming links. I make USD$300 per week on Adsense and Chitika. You’re just a noob blogger with pagerank zero… It’s just not meant to be…”

Malaysia Mourns: Passing of our First Lady

Datin Seri Endon Mahmood, wife to our Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, has passed on this morning.

My deepest condolences to Pak Lah and family. The nation mourns for this great loss.

Malaysian bloggers have begun to fill PPS with their condolences.

As a mark of respect, there will be no postings on simontalks.com for the rest of the day.

Other news:
Jeff Ooi
Reuters UK
ABC News International
Volumes of Interaction

Mickey Mouse vs. Barney the Purple Dinosaur: Celebrity Interview

Simon is kicking a new series of Celebrity Interviews.

Today I thought we might look at two of the most annoying kiddie TV stars, Mickey Mouse against Barney. OK, fine, Mickey isn’t annoying, only the purple dinosaur is.

OK, let’s go.

Interviewer: OK, both of you, why do you think you are so inconceivably popular?
Mickey – Ha! That’s because I’m the epitome of good, clean, Disney fun and parents all approve of me.
Barney – Well, now. I teach children how to have good manners and sing nice songs they can repeat all day.

Interviewer: Yes, but do you know that by doing so, you are also unbelievably annoying to adults?
Mickey – Hey, pal, what’s your problem? We entertain children, not adults.
Barney – yeah, if you don’t like us, don’t listen to us. Aren’t you too old to be listen to Barney’s Mother Goose Sing-A-Long?

Interviewer: Oh, okaaa-aay… How old are you then?
Mickey – I’m 80.
Barney – No idea. Dinosaurs are usually 2 million years old.

Interviewer: But you don’t look 80, Mickey. Are you sure?
Mickey – I pay my plastic surgeons and use gallons of Botox and SK-II. Hey, don’t write that down! I am contractually not allow to reveal that!
Barney – Hey, I heard all that Botox, makes you infertile.
Mickey – I think they tested it on lab mice…

Interviewer: But YOU are a mouse…?
Mickey – Hey, you want to step outside, loser? These gloves pack a wallop, pizza face…
Barney – come to think of it, Mick, you’re 80 and I don’t see any children… I’m not too sure about all those anti-ageing chemicals…
Mickey – Hey, dino boy, mind your own business, ok, or I’ll make you extinct…!

Interviewer: So, Minnie Mouse isn’t putting out, eh?
Mickey – NO! Did she say that? Did Vanity Fair print that interview?!
Barney – Tough luck pal.

Interviewer: Ahem, moving on, next question. What did you do before you become famous?
Barney – Good question. I was doing stand-up comedy in night clubs for a few years, before I quit show business and work in construction, then…
Mickey – Before I was famous?! I’m a freaking cartoon character! Walt Disney DREW me! With a pencil! What kind of a stupid question is that?!
Barney – Really? You’re just a cartoon character? I’m actually a man in a rubber suit… They use another guy for that annoying voice.
Mickey – So you’re really a NOT a real dinosaur?
Barney – What are you, 5 years old? Yeah, I’m a REAL dinosaur, just like in Jurassic Park.
Mickey – I just said I was 80, dude. Are you extinct AND deaf?!
Barney – Look pal, if you want settle this outside…

Hold it, hold it. Let’s finish one last question. Ummm, I dunno if it’s suitable to ask this, but… what the heck. If the two of you had a street fight, who would win…?
Barney – Me, of course. I can take out Disney-wimp here with one hand tied behind my back.
Mickey – oh yeah, Godzilla? Wanna piece of me? Bring it on, fatso.
Barney – Fighting words, my boy. I’ve taken out Mighty Mouse, Thunder Mouse and Danger Mouse. One more and it’ll be 4 blind mice.
Mickey – oh, yeah, before I forget, all dinosaur are gay boys.
Barney – Oooooh, that hurt. Sure, and Donald Duck is more popular than you…!

Folks, looks like it’s the end of another celebrity interview, stay tuned for another episode soon…

Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!