So Why’s Oprah So Popular?!

If you ever watched Oprah, one particular thought may have entered your mind just like me: Why on earth is Oprah so popular? On her show, the audience, mostly white women (and the occasional gay guy) are screaming and clapping like she is a rock star, and she gets to interview all the top stars in Hollywood. A US magazine even named her one of the most powerful women in the world, higher than CEOs and Martha Stewart.

So why is she so popular?

Top Ten Reasons Oprah is So Popular

• She has no competition. How many prime time talk show hosts do you know?

• She’s not really popular. Every week the producers go to the mental institution and get out all the white women to act as the audience. They are trained to do two things – jump and cheer wildly every time Oprah or a guest enters, and nod vigourously (and smile like a lunatic) each time Oprah ends a sentence.

• She’s not a black woman. ‘She’ is actually Jay Leno with face paint in drag.

• American constitution says that there must be at least two black women that are famous, and who are not singers or actors. So after Condoleeza Rice, Oprah is the other one.

• The wonder of having a name no one else has. Just ask Beyonce.

• She can hypnotize movie stars to appear on her show and fawn over her. It’s a secret power, just like the X-men.

• For some strange reason, the other channels always run crappy TV shows in the same time slot as Oprah for the last ten years, thereby forcing everyone to watch her show.

• Because it’s the only show left on US TV that isn’t a reality show.

• She was one of the members of the Supremes, the Chantelles and the Shangri-Las. Now you know.

• Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering. Suffering leads to controversial TV stories. Controversial TV stories lead to Oprah Prime Time.

Of Hedgehogs and Bandicoots

I was in a pet store today. You know, it’s that big chain that has sprouted in shopping centres across the Klang Valley in the last few years.

I love going to these places, despite some people’s apprehension about the smell and sight of animal droppings. Then there are those who decry putting the poor animals in small, bright enclosures, being tapped on by screaming kids.

Anyway.

I was there at this branch that opened last year, but I have yet to enter this one. In the Perspex cages where they house the hamsters and other cuddly furries, there was a hedgehog. Wow, first time I’ve seen one! In books and on TV, they’re usually dark grey, but this one was creamy white.

And you know what? It doesn’t look one bit like Sonic. Who’s Sonic? Sonic the Hedgehog. If you still don’t know, go ask your son/nephew/9-year old cousin/kid neighbour.

For one, Sonic is blue (his girlfriend is red), stands on two feet, is as tall as a human, can spin like a ceiling fan, and shockingly, speaks perfect English. I believe he also shoots some kind of pellets.

This real life hedgehog I saw was white, about 5 inches long, and pretty much lies there, burrowing in the hay (or whatever that stuff they put into the cages). It didn’t speak English either.

I think those Japanese designers at Sega Game Company should buck up.

Then last week I was watching this movie called ‘Fierce Creatures’ starring John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Kline. One of the scenes featured a bandicoot.

And you know what? It did NOT look one bit like Crash Bandicoot. Who’s that, you say? Go ask your son/nephew/9-year old cousin/kid neighbour.

But don’t get me started again.

The Shah Alam Stadium

Some time ago I used to work less than 2 miles away from the Shah Alam Stadium. You would think that there would traffic problems working so near a stadium with a seating capacity of 80,000. But in the 5 years I was stationed there, there never was a time it was congested.

Because the stadium was never used much.

The only time I knew it was in use was when the state football team Selangor played during the Malaysia Cup home matches (or M-League or Super League or whatever they call it these days). But that happened only on Saturday nights and by then I would have long left the office.

In fact, the carpark for the stadium, a sprawling open air expanse of premix which is bigger than a small housing estate, sees more action than the main stadium, but that’s not saying much. During like the fasting month (like now), there are foodstalls during breaking fast time, just like everywhere else in the country. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, motor clubs gather in the carpark to drift and test their modified cars. And sometimes there are activities in the annexure indoor Malawati Stadium.

But by and large, the stadium is just a multi-million ringgit white elephant, just as the newspapers call it.

But in the early 90’s when it first opened, before the National Stadium in Bukit Jalil was built, it was used quite often.

I have only entered the stadium once, back in 1995 when Bon Jovi performed to a capacity crowd. The entrance was total chaos, with no signage and people just pressing into narrow, unmarked gates.

These days the stadium sits quietly, staring down at the streaming traffic along the Federal Highway. I guess other than for football, the stadium is still used once in awhile, but most people prefer to use the newer National Stadium, which has far a better public transport network.

What a waste.

Top Ten Things You May Not Know About Simon

You have to excuse Simon… he is delirious from high fever, a burning throat and probably high from the antibiotics. So he will be doing something he HAS NEVER DONE BEFORE… he is going to blog something about HIMSELF… Aaaaargh!! Parents, hide your children!!!

Top Ten Things You May Not Know About Simon

• He has watched every episode of the first two seasons of Teen Titans at least 3 three times. (Starfire is SUCH a babe! )

• He used to listen to a lot of metal, but his four favourites are Metallica, Megadeth, Helloween and Manowar. (Aiiiieeeee… black metal….!!!)

• In the early nineties, he was one of the first people in Malaysia to complete the insanely difficult Ultima VII: Pagan. (Actually, together with his two pals Dave and Jedi).

• He is a huge Brett Hart (WWF) and Sting (NWA) mark. Sting as in Steve Borden, not the singer.

• His basketball team in university was called 300RM. (Go figure that one out…and when you do, just remember, it was NOT my idea!!! )

• In seven seasons, he has not missed a single episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. (Sarah Michelle Gellar…woo-hoo! )

• He loves to watch “Cribs” and “Pimp My Ride” on MTV. He also loves “Room Raiders”, but you’re not suppose to know that.

• Simon spent 3 years of his life as a Chinaman building contractor, seen 2 labourers die on site and a few more horrifying accidents (so basically, business as usual).

• He needs to drink less coffee.

• Drives the oldest car in his office. Probably in the whole of city, too.

Gotta stop now. The antibiotics is wearing off.

No Post Today

Sorry folks, no long post today, Simon is recovering from illness. Plus have to do some work before a big event this weekend.

I hate falling sick.

Anyway, thanks for dropping by…

Top Ten Reasons Why Malaysians Love to Dye Their Hair Blond

Top Ten Reasons Why Malaysians Love to Dye Their Hair Blond

• To camouflage themselves when they hide in a huge barn full of Honey Stars.

• Natural black hair is so… Asian.

• It’s not hair dye. It’s the caked mud from the dirty water supply in the Klang Valley.

• To match the colour of the dragon imprint on their T-shirts. Or the screaming gold-coloured fake Gucci Ah Lian handbag.

• Because their 56-year old Ah Lian mother also did it.

• To blend in with the Portuguese and Dutch when they invade and colonize Malaysia again. Some time soon.

• Most ah bengs don’t dye die their hair. They never wash their hair for years and the discolouration sets in, making it look blond.

• Green hair is SO nineties.

• Paris Hilton and Britney Spears is the moral role model for our youths.

• “No lah, we neber die our hair one la, its all natural one, we all got blond hair one lar…”

Top Ten Reasons Why Dinosaurs Went Extinct

For those of you regular readers who read yesterday’s post (yes, all two of you…), you might get the idea why I’m doing this today. Well, then again, maybe not…

Top Ten Reasons Why Dinosaurs Went Extinct

Top Ten Signs the Price of Petrol Is Just Too Expensive in Malaysia

It’s more than USD70 per barrel now. God knows how high its going to get here in Malaysia…

Top Ten Signs the Price of Petrol Is Just Too Expensive in Malaysia

• Petrol pump attendants wear Rolex watches and provide Mont Blanc pens for customers to sign the credit card slips.

• Even private car owners are lining up for miles with the taxis to pump NGV.

• Former VCD peddlers have switched to selling cans of petrol illegally to patrons of Chinese coffeeshops.

• The LCD price indicator display for new petrol pumps have FOUR digits (just in case the price hits more than RM10.00 per litre).

• Even the Ah Beng racer boys are car-pooling to the racing hotspots (usually the KESAS highway…)

• One full tank for Pajeros and Landcruisers can reach RM100 soon.

• Shell V-Power is going to cost more champagne soon.

• ProJet are thinking of forming their own F1 team.

• Petrol tank drivers drive SLKs and play golf during the weekends.

• AirAsia and MAS are starting to use diesel.

Asking Yahoo About Donald Duck, Grimace, Winnie-the-Pooh and Yogi Bear

Yesterday was a slow day, so I tried exploring Ask Yahoo! I’ve had it installed for more than 6 years now, I really look forward to them answering a trivial question from netsurfers everyday.

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Anyways, the question of yesterday was,

Why does Donald Duck never wear pants?

Long answer? Its some repressive anal retentive mal-adjusted childhood phobia that originated from Donald’s traumatic experience involving a stuck fly zipper and his abusive uncle Scrooge McDuck.

Short answer? Because he’s drawn that way.

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Then I clicked on the ‘related question’ link where the question was…

What kind of creature is Grimace from McDonald’s?

Long answer? Interesting question. I’ve always wondered about the identity of this strange purple blob of sleepy eyed McToy. Is it the illegitimate offspring of a snow-woman with Barney the Purple Dinosaur? Or Shrek with Gumby the walking purple crayon? Does anyone know?

Short answer? There’s no answer. According to the people at McDonald’s, it just a creation to make us eat more Chicken McNuggets.

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OK, fine, we’ll click on the next question..

What gender is Winnie-the-Pooh?

Long answer? Is ‘it’ male? Or female? Or neither? Does anyone really care? It has a voice of an old man, but has a name of a woman. But it has no visible genitalia. Unlike a certain crazy frog we know. And in this politically correct day and age, shouldn’t he/she change his name to Winnie-the-Sh!t?

Short answer? Male. It says so in the book. He just has a girly name.

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Next one.

How did “Yogi Bear” get his name if he never practiced yoga?

Long answer? He DID practice yoga, but he grew tired of doing it alone in the Yellowstone National Park, so he changed to New Age Transcendal Meditation, later he switched Tai-Chi, then Calcutta Fitness BodyJam™. Last I heard, he was into Pilates with Madonna.
Short answer? He was named after American baseball star Yogi Berra. No, really.

OK, enough of asking Yahoo! for one day…

Top Ten Things NOT to Say During High School Reunions

This topic was suggested by Pat like 5 months ago, was reading the old mails and found it.

I hate school reunions. Or any gathering with people from the past. No idea why. Maybe it’s the people I don’t like, but I’m always not bothered to attend…

Top Ten Things NOT to Say During High School Reunions

“Eh, you’re still single and no girlfriend? What happened to that girl you were dating for 15 years? She dumped you?”