Hypermarket Shopping Etiquette

I used to shop in hypermarkets a lot. Most of the time it’s Tesco, but sometimes I go to Giant and Carrefour. Some of them are quite hazardous, the aisles are too close together, causing trolley congestions, accidents and flared tempers.

No joke. There are trolley aisle hogs and trolley aisle bullies. Ever heard of trolley aisle rage?

If not, here are some tips for Malaysian hypermarket shopping survival (Not applicable to Makro).

• When moving with trolley along the aisle, don’t come to a sudden halt. Somebody will bound to bump into you from the back. (This rule applies to pasar malam shopping, too)

• When moving around in the hypermarket (or any shopping centre for that matter), don’t make eye contact with all those sales people hawking credit cards and water filters. One glance at them, and you’ll be gripped by their jaws of free gifts and membership fee waivers.

• Keep your hands on the horizontal bars of the trolley handle, not on the sides. If you do that, you’ll stub your fingers when another trolley grazes your by the side.

• In busy aisles, the convention is similar to the Malaysian traffic code. Keep left, unless overtaking. (This does not apply to Ah Lian aunties. They drive and stop anywhere they want, blocking anyone else.)

• I can’t emphasize enough the importance of choosing a good trolley. Imagine after half an hour of shopping and your trolley is half full, you then realize that the trolley’s free wheel is crooked under pressure and you can’t steer properly. Just like your car, wheel balancing and alignment is very important. Or if your trolley wheels emanates a horrifying creaking noise.

• If you’re shopping in one of those place that have a coin operated trolley, MAKE SURE you have a correct coin ready. If you don’t have one, no one is going to change it for you, ESPECIALLY NOT the shopkeepers.

• Speaking of coin-operated trolleys, don’t bother trying to release the coin using the device attached with a chain to your trolley (used to slot in the next trolley to release the coin). Believe me, I’ve tried before, and it’s impossible.

• If you’re buying only a few loose items (like most bachelors), be considerate and use a basket, not a trolley. Don’t add to the trolley traffic congestion.

• When lining up to pay at the cashier counter, choose the lines with the seasoned shoppers and bachelors with small baskets. Those move the fastest. NEVER line up behind all those aunties and makciks with groceries. They take forever to clear and pay.

• If the paying counters require you to bag your groceries yourself, pack a few items in more plastic bags. It’s easier to carry more bags with less items than a few bags filled to the brim. Trust me.

• Never buy in-store brands.

SE7EN: Tagged…

Got tagged by inevitable, i’m so bored i’m actually going to do it…

(Also, go read lilian’s and wingz one, very far-nee lah!)

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. Visit England.
2. Write a book.
3. Direct a movie.
4. Read a Kafka book.
5. Hotwire a car.
6. Tell off a few arrogant &%%*$&#s…
7. Travel around the world.

Seven things I could do:

1. Sleep more.
2. Watch more TV.
3. Read more.
4. Be less tolerant to moronic drivers.
5. Be less tolerant to $&$^#$ telemarketers calling about credit cards and insurance.
6. Work less.
7. Travel more.

Seven Celebrity crushes:

1. Sarah Michelle Gellar
2. Starfire from ‘Teen Titans’.
3. Nicole Kidman
4. Dido
5. some HK actress I can’t remember the name…
6. Sarah Michelle Gellar
7. Sarah Michelle Gellar

OK, i’m not doing the last two ’sevens’. I’m going for lunch…

Old TV Advertisement Clichés We Don’t See On TV Anymore

Here are some old TV advertisement clichés that were over-used when I was a kid. Heck, they could still be used today, I seldom watch local terrestrial TV anymore.

Simon Explains Some Latin Phrases

Latin phrases. We see them everywhere these days. Sometimes we use them without knowing that they are actually from that dead language lawyers and doctors like to use.

Don’t understand? No worries. Here is Simon’s explanation for some of the more popular ones people like to use.

carpe diem – A dead fish.

Pro bono – Fan of the Irish band U2.

Ad hoc – Opposite of ‘subtract hoc’.

Vice versa – a dirty poem.

magna cum laude – You had no life while in university.

ad nauseam – see ‘AP and Rafidah Aziz saga’.

ad hominem – appealing to feelings rather than reason. As always used by fellow bloggers when defending a flame attack…

Habeas corpus – something to do with a finished dead body.

Bona fide – Your pet dog Fido’s favourite chewing bone.

Caveat emptor – All sales final, please read our ‘no return’ policy.

Post mortem – what they do after Malaysia loses in the first round of yet another football/badminton tournament.

requiescat in pace (RIP) – sure die wan.

Top Ten Worst Things Your Doctor Can Say to You…

Again today you have to excuse Simon. He’s got a splitting headache from too many meetings.

Top Ten Worst Things Your Doctor Can Say to You…

Kurt Cobain and Me

I just heard Nirvana’s ‘Come As You Are‘ on the radio. Kurt Cobain and I has had an intriguing relationship, primarily because I grew up in a strong diet of hard rock and heavy metal.

There is no doubt in my mind that Cobain is a musical visionary that has a special place in the history of contemporary music. But to put in a cruder form, he was at the right place and the right time.

In 1991, when ‘Nevermind‘ was released, the heavy metal world was almost at a point of self destruction. The music had become trite and unimaginative, the newer bands emerging were finding it harder and harder to chart new grounds of innovation, and the established bands like were slowly becoming a self-parody of themselves, with the Scooby Doo vocals and faux-tormented lyrics. Only a few stalwarts managed to distance themselves from the chaff, like Metallica and Megadeth.

Glam rock itself was even worse, killing itself with the drugs, sex and turf wars. Everyone was getting tired of the same old same old, every band was the same spandex, bleached hair, mascara and party-hearty music.

And so the emerged the grunge messiah in the form of Messrs. Novoselic, Grohl and Cobain.

Cobain was a troubled soul, with a chamber full of disturbed lyrics about alienation, self doubt and broken hope, plus he had decent guitar skills and a half-decent voice. But again, to say the timing of his emergence was impeccable was an understatement. Had it not for Kurt, it might have been Chris Cornell of Soundgarden, Evan Dando of the Lemonheads (another casualty 0f alternative music) or even Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins (ok, that last one was unlikely).

My favourite track has always been ‘Heart-Shaped Box’. I distinctively liked ‘In Utero’ better than ‘Nevermind’, and perhaps if he didn’t commit suicide he would have made a few more good albums. But you know, they always say some people become more famous dead than alive, and the image of Kurt’s sprawling body on the floor, wearing the Converse shoes, will forever remain in my mind.

Nirvana was a great band, but perhaps deep down in my rock ‘n roll heart, I may have not have forgiven them entirely for killing off the last vestiges of the dinosaur named heavy metal.

Top Ten Signs Your EPL Team Isn’t Doing Too Well

Today you have to excuse Simon. He’s in self-imposed mourning over the weekend’s results. Plus he need to see the doctor in an hour’s time.

Top Ten Signs Your EPL Team Isn’t Doing Too Well

Top Ten Things to Look Forward to in September (and October)

Now that the National Day public holiday is over, it’s going to be long September. And October. Whoopee.

Top Ten Things to Look Forward to in September (and October)

• More Chinese weddings. (Red card summons!)

• More badminton tournaments where Malaysians can succeed in reaching the semi-finals. And no further.

• Far too much of Donald Trump on TV than we want to see.

• A few EPL managers getting their arses fired. (“We’re not taking any more bets on Souness…”)

• Endless re-runs of Lost, CSI, 24 and Fear Factor on AXN.

• AP, Rafidah, MITI, Naza, AP, Rafidah, AP, Sky Kingdom, AP…

• Serena Williams competing in the US Open men’s women’s singles.

• More than 100 days more to your favourite New Year Eve’s Party.

• More news of the petrol price hikes, kidnapped endangered species, BN component party internal elections and local TV starlet sex scandal.

• Tun Mahathir vs. Proton round 7.

England Lost. To Northern Ireland!!!

Wow, it was all over the soccer websites like Guardian Football and SoccerNet yesterday, and the subject of lunch time talk for English soccer fans all over Malaysia.

Yes, England lost to Northern Ireland. Yes, Northen Ireland, probably the weakest Home International team in the British Isles. Sure, some may argue Scotland is worse, but it doesn’t really matter. England lost.

England, with their galaxy of millionaire stars. Like Rooney. Beckham. Ferdinand. Lampard. Cole. Cole. Gerrard.

This is tantamount to Man United losing to Exeter City. No really, it is.

Northern Ireland won by 1-0, with a goal scored by David Healy. He plays for Leeds, a Championship side. Look, I’m not dissing the Irish, I back the (southern) Republic team to reach Germany 2006. And I think the Northern Irish should have the greatest respect, having to scour the lower leagues of English football to make a decent national team year after year.

The Northern Irish, just like their Celtic brothers in Scotland and cousins in Wales, have for since before 1966, lived in the shadow of England. The depth of talent and money in the English game far outstrips its neighbours, and this problem has multiplied exponentially since the EPL kicked off.

On a side note, what the hell is Eriksson doing? Why can’t he just stick to the tested formula? Beckham on the right, Joe Cole on the left. Stevie G and Lamps in the middle. Rooney and whoever he wants upfront. Back four, Ash Cole and another 3 defenders who aren’t injured. If Stevie G or Lamps aren’t moving, send in Hargreaves. If Becks isn’t performing, send in Shaun. Screw the Becks-must-play policy. How difficult can it be?!

OK, fine. I’m over-simplifying it and know nothing of being a manager (except on CM4), but you just lost to Northern Ireland, Sven. The English media can be a bloody pain in the arse.

(P.S. Hey, Pat, I bet you’d give anything in the world to be back in the halls of Queen’s University down in Belfast last night, eh?)

Old England Strikers

I was watching ‘Goals’ on ESPN just now and they were highlighting the goals from last week’s matches, when they showed the goals from Emile Heskey and Premiership journeyman Andy Cole. It then struck me that the two players at one time played for England, perhaps in a different climate of England soccer.

There is usually only a maximum of 2 slots for the place of England strikers at time (plus 2 more reserves). Unless Eriksson gets anal retentive and plays 4-5-1. At the moment, there are a handful of players that are vying for the 2+2 places in the England squad – Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney, Jermaine Defoe, Alan Smith, Peter Crouch and Andy Johnson. Wow, talk about tough competition.

So, it made me wonder, what are the fortunes of the former England strikers, who no longer stand a chance of being capped anymore, but are still playing in the EPL? Let’s see:

Andy Cole (Man City) – He’s played for 5 EPL teams so far, not including Arsenal pre-1993. I remember when he was a regular for England and for Man U (with Dwight Yorke). Then came Ruud van Nistelrooy and poor Andy was bumped from team to team. These days he seems well past his prime, but there always seems to be a team willing to pay him to be a supersub.

Teddy Sheringham (West Ham) – Now this guy is still sharp. He’s 38 this year, on a good day he can still turn on the magic. He never really struck it big for Man U or England, but at least they love him at Upton Park.

Alan Shearer (Newcastle) – He’s retiring soon, and its about time. But back then, he was the undisputable top England striker. I remember he went through a dry spell, but they stuck with him simply because he was the still best.

Les Ferdinand (Bolton) – This is another oldie earning supersub money.

Kevin Philips – I reckon he featured in the Euro 96 and a few friendlies. Where is he playing now, again? I forget.

Robbie Fowler (Man City) – So much potential, but all down the drain. I remember getting excited watching him and Owen play for Liverpool, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before he wears the three Lions jersey again.

Emile Heskey(Birmingham City) – I never really seen him play a good match for the Reds, but I guess it was only the right timing that won him his caps. Can’t recall how many times I’ve heard the fall-on-your-@ss jokes.

Darius Vassell (Man City) – Frankly, I don’t think much of him, but during Euro 2004 there was a shocking shortage of good strikers, and I correctly predicted he would fill the last slot (after Rooney, Owen and Heskey).

Francis Jeffers (Charlton) – Must have been a flu epidemic that struck all the decent strikers to allow Pluggy here to play for England. He even scored a goal.

(James Beattie & Darren Bent also played for England before, but they’re not really out of the picture yet, but neither are they in the running. Did I miss anyone else?)