Top Ten Suggestions To Make The Annual Budget More Exciting

Budget speech is usually quite dreary and long. Especially the first half an hour when they talk about general economic conditions in the country. Most people get bored even before they reach the important bits. Here’s a few ‘suggestions‘ to make it livelier and draw in more people to watch. Wouldn’t you love for them to implement it?

Top Ten Suggestions To Make The Annual Budget More Exciting

• In between the speech, they should tell some jokes to liven up the proceeding.

• SMS voting by the Malaysian public to support or oppose the announcements in the budget.

• Before, starting the budget speech, maybe the speaker can exchange humourous pantuns (Malay poems) with the members of the Opposition.

• Serve kuaci(sunflower seeds) to the MPs while they listen. Just like in those old wooden cinemas.

• Have the camera zoom in on MPs who fall asleep during the presentation. Especially those that snore and drool. Trust me, there will be a few, especially if the presentation starts at 4pm.

• Just give us the good news. Don’t read out the bad news. That would really make us all happy.

• Get the backbenchers to hold up banners showing their support just like they do during the Malaysian Idol / Akademi Fantasia concerts.

• During the slow parts of the budget, stop the telecast to show advertisements of cigarettes and hard liquor (“Siaran langsung Budget ini, dibawakan khas kepada anda oleh Dunhill. Gaya, mutu, keunggulan”).

• Add a laugh track every time the presenter reads out bad news.

• Let us all go home early so that we can “watch and analyze the Budget” on telly. But in actual fact we all go home and sleep.

Simon’s Top Ten Wish Items for the Malaysian Budget 2006

The budget is coming. It’s going to be on this Friday, just before Ramadhan. Lot’s of people are making their wishlists, so I’m doing mine. But don’t expect mine to come true anytime.

Simon’s Top Ten Wish Items for the Malaysian Budget 2006

• Tax break for bloggers. RM4000 rebate per year, since we are the true voice of rakyat.

• Paying ang pow for Chinese weddings is tax-deductible (Official receipt must be issued by wedding couple). Seriously, being invited to too many weddings can be a financial disaster!
• Reduce excise duties on imported cars. Like I said, don’t bet on this wish item being fulfilled.
• Increase road tax for taxis. I think there are far too many cabs in the city. Far, far too many.
• Introduce tax incentives for companies who introduce 4-day work weeks.
• Income tax returns of all cabinet ministers to be made public. Can also be downloadable on .pdf format. Or better yet, in a blog format and everyone can comment and flame them.
• No more increase in petrol prices. Ever.
• Reduce import duties on books. If they are serious in encouraging people to read.
• Reduce excise on imported original music discs, DVDs and VCDs. If they are serious about combating piracy…
• Increase duties on cigarettes BY 300% !!!!

Whither the Malaysian Sport?

Americans have their 4 major sports – baseball, basketball, American football and ice hockey. Why is it called ‘football’ when they their hands all the time? Except when they punt. It should be called ‘handball’. Oh, OK, then American Handball. OK, scratch that.

The English have their cricket (the poncy game, not the small insect), rugby, football (“soccer”) and beer-guzzling.

The Australians have their Aussie-rules footie. And swimming.

The Canadians have their lacrosse.

So my question is, what sport do Malaysians have? Other than queue-jumping and marathon mamak-hopping.

Not tennis, not golf. Those are ‘mat salleh’ (white man) games. Golf is from Scotland and tennis from Sharapova-land (Hubba-hubba-hubba!)

And watching F1 or EPL is not a sport either. Not even badminton.

Discounting playing gasing(top spinning) and cock-fighting, I would say the closest we have is sepak takraw. For the benefit of non-Malaysians, it’s a local game like volleyball, but instead of using your hands, you use your legs and head (as weird as it sounds, there IS such a game). And the Thais would probably want to dispute it being of Malaysian origin.

Most people would view it as a Malay game, as hockey is perceived to be a Indian game, and table tennis and basketball is for the Chinese (another Chinese game is Ah Beng-modded Honda City drag racing along the Kesas highway, but that would be another story).

It’s kinda true, it’ll be another few decades before a Chinese dude plays for the speak takraw national team, but here’s an interesting fact. I tried a bit of this super acrobatic game back in school. During ‘takraw’ season (other 3 seasons being footie, dodgeball and cutting class) my classmates would unfurl the badminton net everyday after school to play the game. So one day, I decided to join them. And trust me, it ain’t easy to play.

Anyway to cut the long story short, I didn’t really fancy it much (it’s kinda crappy to play when you suck at it). Since then, I kinda had new respect for our national players everytime they got thrashed by Thailand (and recently by Singapore).

Top Ten Career Prospects for Malaysian Idol and Akademi Fantasia Losers

So, finally, both Malaysian Idol and AF3 are finally over. Its safe to turn on the telly again.

Top Ten Career Prospects for Malaysian Idol and Akademi Fantasia Losers

• Backup singer for next year’s Malaysian Idol / Akademi Fantasia contest.

• Perform at the Hotel New Kowloon, Klang next year during the Secretaries’ Day Luncheon.

• DJ at the local Warta/Fajar/Bintang/Daya supermarket.

• “Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, selamat datang ke pesta dangdut ‘Hai Alahai’ Felda Bukit Tunggal, bersama penyanyi undangan kami, Farah AF3!”

• Extras in those Hotlink advertisements on TV where young people are hanging out in Starbucks making video-conferencing calls.

• Write and promote your own book – “Dummies Guide to Being a Failed Malaysian Reality Show Contestant”.

• Record your own album of kiddie songs, like “Ashvin’s Sing-a-long Kid’s Songs”. Not much talent required there.

• “Gerak Khas: Ops Sumbang”

• If they’re lucky, go into newscasting, abd subsequent stand a chance to marry a super-rich king of small oil-exporting country.

• When the next Merdeka Day comes, pose in trashy Malay mags wearing nothing but our national flag, and thereby extending your 5 minutes of fame – for another 5 minutes.

Hello, Is That Shimu?

The other day I got a called from this sales girl with a thick Cantonese accent,

“Hello, who that aa?”

Whoa, her England not so good aa?

Usually, anytime I get calls like this, I’ll give them a super hard time just for interrupting my day. But that day, I was in quite a good mood, so I cut her some slack.

So I replied: “Who do you want to speak to?!”

“Is that Shimu?” (No, I’m sorry, Shimu just stepped outside for a fag)

What the…? Did she mistake me for some manga character?! Shimu the evil twin brother of Garaa who returned to the land of Eternal Twilight to exact revenge on the… oh, never mind.

“Who are you?!”

“No, lah. I’m from XXX company… and you came to our shop that day…” (I’m using XXX to hide the name of the company. Not that it’s a p0rn0 company.)

OK, I got it. They made me fill a registration form in the shop, and I purposely scribbled my name on it so that they couldn’t read it. Because I know they call me up and pester me. Looks like it didn’t work. They finally could read my writing as “Shimu”.

So explained to ‘Miss Queen’s English’ on the other end of the phone that I wasn’t interested in their products, although it utterly fascinating and any other sane human would go and buy it immediately. Except I was lying through my nose, I was in the shop to research their prices and they had to harass me.

They wouldn’t give up a potential sale, no way, man. So they made a big deal about their product and … blah blah blah.

At that point in time, I really felt that Shimu would wield Lumina, his mystical sword, to silence his twin sister Garaa, the white witch of the land of Eternal Twilight…

Anyway, I managed to end the call.

Shimu shall return when the next full moon appears…

The 8 Seasons of Chinese Businesses

So the whole mooncake thing is now over. I wonder if all those shopping centres and restaurants had a last minute 50% off clearance sale late Sunday night to get rid of the remaining mooncakes? Just like the traffic summons.

I used to do that some years back, wait for the last minute to take advantage of the everything-must-go sale. Nowadays, the delicacy is becoming more and more expensive. And the other thing that struck me was the mooncake ‘season’ is getting earlier and earlier. It used to be 2 weeks before the actual date, now those posh restaurants start selling more than 2 MONTHS before the festival.

I kid you not.

So, for the Chinese businessman (both big timers and small timers) eager to cash in on the changing seasonal tastes, they can actually form a sales calendar. This is what their calendar would look like:

January & February
Big timers – Sell oranges (now in flimsy paper boxes) or bak kua (dried BBQ meat) for Chinese New Year. If they have REALLY strong clout, then fireworks imported from China.
Small timers – Chinese New Year cards and cutesy décor made from old ang pow packs.

March & April
Big timers – Durians.
Small timers – Langsat and rambutan.

May
Big timers – Bonus time! And the peak of the Malaysian real estate cycle! Time to distribute those home renovation and Mr. Fixit leaflets.
Small timers – Usually found driving around housing estates buying old newspapers, batteries, scrap metal or selling mattresses.

June & July
Big timers – Things are usually pretty slow this time of the year. Sells Chinese prayer paraphernalia for the Hungry Ghost Festival month.
Small timers – sell prawn crackers to people at coffeeshops and restaurants.

August & September
Big timers – Mooncakes, mooncakes and mooncakes. In really fancy wooden /aluminium boxes.
Small timers – Kiddie Pokemon and Doraemon lanterns, sparklers.

November
Big timers – Take full advantage of the school holidays! PS2 games! ‘Educational’ books exhibition at the concourse of shopping centres!
Small timers – Sell beach balls, blow-up toys (for kids, not adults) and cuddly toys at the side of the road. Or small rattan furniture.

December
Big timers – Back to school sale, selling school accessories, stationery and uniforms.
Small timers – Christmas trinkets. Like Santarina cap with fake blond pigtails for little girls. Or Kor Tung (Crossing Winter) cakes at the roadside.

All year round
Big timers – pirated VCDs and DVDs. Always a good money spinner.
Small timers– handphone accessories.

The Ten Millionth Passenger on the KLIA Express

My friend was on the KLIA Express the other day, coming back from the airport to KL Sentral. The train was packed at mid-morning, something was unusual. My pal and his traveling companion managed to get a seat. Even though the train was already filling up, but the train didn’t budge.

After awhile, my pal found out the reason.

The 10 millionth monorail passenger was somewhere on the train. I’ve been hearing about this on the radio. Apparently the winner will win free airplane tickets to New York or something. So these officials came on and got everyone’s details. They even too a mugshot of everyone holding up their names on a large sign in front of them. Like they do in prison (but without the side profile).

My friend won’t know if he’d won in the prize (results will be announced much later), but he got a cool pen. The organizers are probably going through the photos to pick the hot babes and hunks to appear in the papers as the winners.

Getting just the pen is not as fabulous as flying to New York to see Central Park or the Met, but at least if he needs a pen to sign his credit card slip at the supermarket, he can use his FREE pen.

“Blue or Pink?”

Whenever I hear news that someone had just got a baby, I’ll always ask “blue or pink?”

Most people would just go, “Huh?”

Parents, however would get my meaning and would either answer one or the other.

If you STILL don’t get it,

PINK = GIRL (easy to remember. You know that pop singer Pink?)
BLUE = BOY (ditto for that boy band called ‘Blue’)

Actually, the real reason is the colour of blankets and baby swaddling clothes they use in hospital. How this convention came about is a great mystery to me. Like a 2-hour-old baby is going to know what colour he or she is wearing. “Nurse! Nurse! Please, can I get another colour of clothes? Pink doesn’t really go with the ambience of this room…”

I have a great maternity ward story when my kid was born (most of my friends have heard that one…).

But perhaps another day I’ll tell it.

Simon’s Obligatory Post on Malaysian Idol 2

Looks like I have to do an obligatory post on Malaysian Idol 2. I haven’t really watch it at all, except for a few episodes here and there. The timing of the show doesn’t fit my schedule really, me having to meet with my parole officer and all.

But I did watch latest results episode where Farah was voted out paving the way for Daniel and Nita to enter the last spectacular concert at the Arena of the Stars.

Well, between the two, Nita’s definitely the better singer, but I’ve seen some really poor performances from her. Daniel’s the smiley cute guy that gets all the girls’ votes. He looks just like that dude that sells pirated VCD at the foodcourt near my house. Everytime Daniel’s opens his mouth I’d always expect some Hokkien expletive like ‘KNN’ to come out… OK, enough already…

Anyway, I kinda liked Faizull (?) the one dimensional rocker dude, nice guy, but never really champion material. But anyway, Malaysian Idol hasn’t really caught on like American Idol (just ask anjali*) or gasp, Akademi Fantasia (just ask zyrin).

Anyway I can think of 5 good ways to spruce up the viewership and ratings of Malaysian Idol next season:

• Get Paul Moss to wear tight, black baby-T-shirts and speak in a fake British accent (his current Aussie accent is been too Malaysianized). That’ll draw in the Simon Cowell fans.

• Get a bigger auditorium, hence more audience. The current one (Sri Pentas) looks like my secondary school hall.

• Want to encourage the singers to perform better? If they don’t sing well, give the audience rotten tomatoes and vegetables to hurl at the performers. Or the judges.

• Do a Metallica or Sepultura themed night. Then I’LL watch it!

• Get rid of that shallow, arrogant, pretentious judge Roslan. He makes Randy Jackson sound like Einstein.

Anyone Remember Milli Vanilli?

Who doesn’t? The two look-alike dreadlocked German male model singers were caught in an international controversy and humiliation when they were exposed by the media for lip-synching their way to a Grammy (Best New Artiste) and three American Music Awards (Best Fake Singers, Best Artiste Most Likely to be Models, Artistes Having Most Influence on NKOTB)

They released two albums with some sweety dancey songs like “Baby, Don’t Forget My Number“, “Girl You Know It’s True“, “Look Ma, I Can Lip-Synch” and “But, Hey, Our Listeners Are Pretty Dumb“.

I remember my best bud Vicky is really into them back in school. He would listen to his cassette over and over again on his mini-compo (yeah, when was the last time you heard the term ‘mini-compo‘?!). He would also watch their videos (probably taped from ‘\’Top of the Pops‘) and tried to emulate their cheesy dance moves. Kinda hard to dance like them when Vicky had short hair.

Then after winning the Grammy (I remember watching that edition, they spoke English with an accent like Adolf Hitler, but sang without any accents… go figure… anyway, I have to close this parentheses…) came the shame of it all. They became an international joke, and condemned by everyone.

I a bit of google searching the other day, and found that the two guys, Fabrice Morgan and Rob Pilatus did try to make a comeback a few years after that, but things didn’t go so well. Rob (I couldn’t really tell the two apart) tried to commit suicide and later died of drug overdose. The other guy, Fabrice (yeah, this guy must have got beaten up a lot as a kid in school) tried to launch a solo career a few years ago. He has his own website that also has a pretty good write-up on Milli Vanilli’s history. For other sites, you can check out here and here.

My friend Vicky, was a little disappointed after the whole lip-synching fiasco back then. But he got over it pretty quickly. A few weeks later he was raving about MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice or something like. Now Vanilla Ice was big back then… (“Ice, Ice, Baby… Vanilla Ice, Ice, Baby…”)