Former PM and Drinking Too Much Cola

Two news articles in the Star caught my attention today:

Five-day week plus Cola for civil servants

Quality time: The Government has agreed in principle to a five-day week and a Cost of Living Allowance (Cola) for the country’s one million civil servants. Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said a five-day week would benefit civil servants as they could spend more time with their families.

At first I thought the government is reducing the work day week AND giving civil servants a fizzy drink every week. Oh yeah, sure, like that’s gonna placate Cuepacs. Anyways I found out it was actually Cost of Living Allowances (NOT Coca-Cola).

While some private corporations is pushing their staff to work longer hours (at least 10 hours a day) and longer weeks (no less than 6 days), this must be great news for the civil servants.

But don’t you agree quality of work and service in the 5 working days is also subject to improvement as the quality of life in the 2 days of weekend?


The other important newsfeed of the day:

Dr M: My legacy will speak for me

KUALA LUMPUR: The most important thing in the fight against corruption is to ensure that a culture of viewing the practice as normal and acceptable does not develop, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad said.
“For me, this is a question of inculcating noble values, not about catching people,” the former prime minister said.
He said this at a press conference at his residence here in response to a column in the Sunday Star by The Star’s deputy group chief editor II Datuk Wong Chun Wai.

Ah, well, there’s gonna be fireworks.

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What to do When You’ve Watched Star Wars Sixteen Times Already…

What to do When You’ve Watched Star Wars Sixteen Times Already… by Simon

• Collect the complete set of Happy Meal toys and re-enact the movie in your own room.

• Collect the following items: Short aluminium pipe, duct tape, coloured plastic and a fluorescent light tube – and you can make your own lightsaber!

• Program your Nokia handphone’s polyphonic ringtone to sound like R2-D2.

• Have an all weekend movie where you can watch all six movies back-to-back, followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Indiana Jones trilogy (all in just 24 hours straight).

• Start calling your friends with names of characters from Star Wars : “Hey, there Jabba the Hutt, wanna go for lunch?”

• Wait patiently for the sequel which will be coming out… er… in 1977.

• Train your dog/cat to warble like Chewbacca.

• “Oh My God!! I’ve finally got it! Darth Vader is Luke’s father!”

• Buy a few bottles of hair growth tonic, splash it daily all over your body, hands and legs, and after two months, you’re a real life Wookie!

• Put on your old Darth Vader costume, go to a bus-stop full of women…
  

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Should Liverpool Defend The European Cup?

Pros and Cons for Liverpool to play in the Champions League next season… by Simon

Points SUPPORTING Liverpool to play in the Champions League Next Season:

• Champions should be allowed to defend their cup. (Strongest point they have, this one)

• European big teams support their bid (it would be less embarrassing for them to lose to Liverpool next year, rather than to, say, Partizan Belgrade…)

• Hey, getting 5th position in the premiership is a BIG achievement. Chelsea, Arsenal and MU have made block booking on the top three spots for the next few seasons, anyway…

• At least we have a positive goal difference. Look at Everton… And we beat Arsenal, unlike Everton…
  

Points AGAINST Liverpool Playing in Champions League Next Season:

• Strong lobbying from smaller teams, rumoured lead by (surprise, surprise) Everton.

• So what’s wrong with playing in the UEFA Cup?! Also quite glamour, maa…!

• First England had 3 Champions League spots. Then it was increased to 4. Now they want 5. Very soon the EPL is gonna look like this:
  
  • 20th to 18th spot – Relegated to Coca Cola Championship
    
  • 17th to 14th spot – UEFA Cup
    
  • 13th to 1st spot – Qualify for Champions League.
    

(Congratulations to all LFC fans. And apologies, its just a joke la… )

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MCA Party Elections: Political-Speak

The MCA internal elections are back again. Quite a few high profile faces are facing challenges, although this time around things are not as spicy as the last elections involving the ‘MCA & MCB’ factions.

Support for MCA, just like politics in Malaysia, has seen waning support from the urban English speaking Chinese. Not because MCA is becoming unpopular, more because the younger generation are less socio-politically conscious, having more things to occupy their short attention span.

Anyway, as is the norm with Malaysian political party elections, the players will always use the same old tried and tested political-speak, which we will inevitably read in the papers (most of them not limited to MCA only, applicable to ALL Malaysian parties):

• “I did not want to contest, but the requests to run for election from my grassroot support level was overwhelming…”

• “So-and-so is too old and its time for him/her to step down to make way for younger leaders/newer blood.”

• The inevitable mention of the following issues/terms: ‘money politics’, ‘UTAR’, ‘underhand tactics’, ‘yam seng dinners’, ‘last minute campaigning’, etc.

• Plenty of snappy and quotes from ‘political analyst’, ‘party insider’ or ‘one leader’ all who refuse to be named.

• The inevitable mention of the infamous defamatory ‘surat layang’ or ‘SMS layang’ (actually this tactic is more popular in another party)

• “The fact that there is a contest for the vice-presidents’ post shows that democracy is alive and well in the party…”

• None of the politicians will ever dare to mention our PM’s (or DPM’s) name.

• Politician X is disappointed in losing the elections but accepts the decision of the delegates. He is also ready to work together with the winner, Politician Y.

• “Our party election is like a fish head…”

• And when the elections are over and the dust has settled, the president will say, “It’s time to close ranks and work together for the sake of party unity.” (Only they won’t, grudges are borne until the next election…)
  

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Top Twelve Things Batman Finds Annoying

Man, this has been a tiring week at work. And for the next two weeks while everybody else is going on family vacations in conjunction with the school semester break, I’ll be stuck in endless meetings at the office.

The other day I was bottled up in a 15-minute discussion that dragged on for 1 and a half hours. Most of the time I was sitting there frowning at the people talking, I was thinking about the new Batman movie coming soon. I know the Star Wars force is still strong, but the Dark Knight’s hype machine has also started.

Anyway, this is the result of the meeting.

Top Twelve Things Batman Finds Annoying:

• When he doesn’t have time to do laundry and puts on dirty underwear, everyone can tell.

• Superman has Lois & Clark and Smallville TV shows. Batman has only that cheesy 60’s comedy series.

• Seeing Robin and his hairy bare legs just turns you off. Especially when its bloody cold.

• Have you tried pushing stupid Batmobile to the nearest Shell when it runs out of petrol? And have you tried parallel parking that elephant? In KL?!

• Robin and Batgirl keeps using the Bat-computer for their midnight Counterstrike Deathmatch sessions.

• Spend 20 minutes snapping on that armoured metal Batsuit and suddenly you have to pee.

• When you’re involved in a fist-fight with dangerous villains, those annoying words keep popping up (KA-pow! BLAM!)

• “Dammit! Why can’t I fly like Superman and Shazam?!”

• Every time people see you together with Robin, they automatically assume you’re gay…

• Now with Joker dead and the Penguin & Riddler in jail, the only villains left to fight Ah Long the Malaysian Pirated VCD King (“Tiger of Kepong”) and Datuk Tan Sri the Evil Corrupted Politician.

• “I only have 5 movies so far. Darth Vader, that poofter in the black dress has 6 movies!!”

• Elektra still refuses to go out on a date with him. (“Sorry, I just don’t like the silent type…”)
  

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EPL: Team by Team Tagline Review

I thought of doing a team by team review of this season’s English Premier League, but I guess there isn’t much to say that hasn’t been done so. So I thought, screw it. Let’s just give a snappy tagline to describe their entire season. Listed here, 20 teams, according to their finishing position in the table…


Chelsea – Muahahahar, money DOES buy success.

Arsenal – Hey, at least we won SOMETHING.
(I’m trying to be non-partisan here…)

Man United – We still THINK we’re the best club in England…

Everton – How to Play With 9 Defenders and One Striker Or Now who wants to buy Cahill for 20 million?

Liverpool – Why didn’t we sack Houllier earlier?!

Bolton – Los Geriatricos: Get awesome free signings, pay through your nose for sky-high salaries.

Middlesbrough – Yawn…

Man City – Shaun Wright-Phillips. And nine other outfield players. And a bumbling goalie.

Tottenham – Let’s see how long this manager lasts…

Aston Villa – We have succeeded in achieving our target of … mid-table obscurity…

Charlton – Hey, look at Scott Parker behind the Chelsea bench!

Birmingham – Were they even playing this season?

Fulham – Damn, remember the good old days when we still had Saha?

Newcastle – All that money and nothing to show. Or Shearer, please stay on for another embarrassing season.

Blackburn – same tagline as Birmingham.

Portsmouth – Hahahaha! Look at Southampton and Redknapp!!

West Brom – What an exhilarating relegation dogfight! Wow, let’s do it again this season!

C Palace – Hey, Andy! Next season ‘get’ us more penalties!

Norwich – We dared to dare like Proton, and failed.

Southampton – Cheap sale! Players and manager going for cheap sale!!



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Best Advice My Teachers Ever Gave Me

Some time ago was Teacher’s Day. I think. Never thought about it for the last umpteen years since leaving school. My mom (who wasn’t a teacher) said this lot had the best jobs in Malaysia – half day work, 2 day weekends, 10 weeks of school holidays every year, etc. This was many years ago when teachers weren’t required to spend Saturdays and holidays doing all that ‘extra co-curricular activities’ crap.

Anyway, I had some really cool teachers in my time, and some really moronic ones. Here’s ten words of wisdom that were really given to me by them. I kid you not.

Best Advice My Teachers Ever Gave Me by Simon (who did NOT become a teacher. Hell didn’t freeze over yet).

• “Take Principle of Accounts, lah. Very easy to score, one.”

• “Write bigger. Most SPM examiners are short sighted.”

• “You want to do well in my final exams? Come to my tuition class lah!”

• “Don’t become a teacher. The pay is crap.”

• “You better study hard, or else you end up like us.”

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Here’s a Good Way to Get Mentioned in the Newspapers

Dress up as Darth Vader and flash yourself (yes, as in expose yourself naked) at a group of ladies waiting at the bus-stop. Better yet, flash yourself at a newspaper reporter and photographer.

Here’s another tip. Choose a slow news day. You don’t want to go to all that trouble to dress up and risk being arrested, hoping to make the front page of the Star, only to be pushed to page 3 by the Perodua Myvi launch.

And make sure you choose your victims. The last thing you want to hear when you flash at them is:

• “Oh dear, what a *tiny* ‘lightsabre’!”

• “OK girls, remember what I taught you in KARATE class, let’s take down this PERVERT!!!”

• “Woohoo! The male stripper for my bridal shower is finally here! Shake that moneymaker!!!”

• “Finally, Lord Vader, I have been waiting for you all these years…WHOOSH (sound of blue lightsabre shooting up)”
  

(If you still don’t understand, read today’s Star…)

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Doctor, Doctor

My blog hasn’t been updated as often as I’d like this week, I’ve been feeling very sick these few days. In addition to that, I’ve been quite busy, no time to go to see my unsympathetic doctor. I’ve only been to the doctor twice in the past 12 months. Once for suspected dengue, once for a bad case of throat infection.

Speaking of going to the doctor, I’m reminded of a story my friend SA once told me when we were in university together. He was attending a sekolah asrama penuh (fully-residential secondary school) in Perak. His was quite a strict school, you couldn’t go home from college unless it was the term holidays or if you were sick.

So if he was quite homesick or desperate for some good home-cooked food, this is what he and his classmates would do: They would swallow a tube of toothpaste! Colgate or Darlie, it didn’t matter, the whole idea was to get a stomach-ache, and the accompanying cold forehead, shivers and/or slight temperature, all just to fool the resident doctor to give them a permission slip to go home for an extended weekend. Seemingly this ‘tactic’ was quite successful, since the doctor probably thought the students were not dumb enough to actually ingest a whole tube of toothpaste for the sake of going home.

This ‘tactic’ was also employed in the university days. The guys would give pathetic excuses like ‘stomachache’ or ‘headache’ (if for girls, ‘period pain’) to get an MC to skip classes or minor tests.

I never used these ‘tactics’ since I’m already at the clinic often enough with legitimate reasons (those days). In my final year, I heard the doctors wised up to the bogus ‘stomachache’ claims, everytime a guy used that complaint, the female doctor would ask the boy to strip off, slap on a latex glove and do an actual anal probe (I don’t know if this ‘exploratory’ service was extended to the girls, I’ve never heard them complain about it).

So, genuine stomach pains or not, drop your pants. Most fakers would just say something about, “Eh-heh, I think I’ll bear with the pain, lah….” or “It’s a miracle! I’m healed!“

Can’t wait for the weekend.

You Know Malaysians Are Too Crazy Over Star Wars When…

You Know Malaysians Are Too Crazy Over Star Wars When… by Simon (who last night taught Darth Vader how to operate his VCR)

…when they start using C8< as the Darth Vader Emoticon… (tilt your head sideways. Yes, Simon invented it!!!)

…when police fix their breathalyzers to produces a deep breath sound…

…clinics report increase in minor head injuries to children as a result of “lightsabre duels” using sticks, brooms, etc.

…Darth Vader is the guest judge on Malaysian Idol (As suggested by Twinsmom).

…UPM successfully cross-breed new cat species that looks like Wookies.

…three minutes of air-time in the movie will result in a happy-meal toy, an action figure, comic spin-off…

…pirated VCDs hit the streets earlier than the actual movie.

…when Toys R Us sells Tickle Me Yoda toys.

…when my 7-year old asthmatic nephew starts having hallucinations of taking over the Empire (overdose of Ventolin is not good for you).

…latest popular names from Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara – Mohd Anakin, Grevious Tan, Ben Oh Bee Wan, Sidious Pasamanickam, etc.




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