Sneak Preview of the Toyota Innova

Since the world didn’t end today as predicted by Nostradamus, I’m taking a break from satirical or humour blogs.

Yesterday on the way back from shopping I decided to go and check out the new Chevrolet Sparks and Optra5. I’m not at all interested in buying a car, let alone a Daewoo-pretending-to-be-an-American Chevrolet, but I just like to look at new cars in showrooms and make life difficult for those over-enthusiastic sales people.

Turning into side road, I saw a banner for the Toyota Innova (Kijang) at Toyota showroom, which was 2 doors away from the Chevvy place. Entering the large hall, I there wasn’t an Innova in sight, just the usual gleaming Hiluxes, Camrys and Avanzas. So I asked the salesman, “Where’s the Innova?”

To which he replied, “Not launched yet. But if you want to ‘see’ it, you can go down to Basement 2…”

Waah! Got ‘secret viewing room’ one aah?! OK, I didn’t mind going doing to this ‘covert underground facility’ to see Toyota’s secret weapon, so I followed the smartly-dressed salesman down two floors to the parking basement.

The floor was entirely empty, save for a few Toyota show vehicles (Avanza, Vios, Unser) obviously used for test driving. But there was one metallic brown ‘Kijang’.

It looked solid, with high specs (I won’t go into details, since it’s still not launched yet) but I couldn’t see the interior, since it was locked. Most auto guys actually are quite familiar with this model, since it was launched earlier in Indonesia.

But get this, they actually taped a small piece of paper over the ‘Toyota’ and ‘Innova’ logo. With a cellophane tape! Wow! Hi-tech security!

With the true 8 seat cabin space (unlike the ‘7 seater’ Citra & Avanza for midgets and pygmies), tough suspension, VVT-i, dual airbags, etc and RM90k to RM100k, it will sell VERY well. I can foresee a few months waiting period, just like a certain recent model…

The sales guys even said this, “It will kill the Naza Ria.” (HE said it, not me…)

And by the way, both the Sparks (reminded me something about fried chicken) and Optra5 (still a Korean car) didn’t look appealing to me.



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Top Ten Things To Do On Saturday Nights Now that the EPL is Over

Top Ten Things To Do On Saturday Nights Now that the EPL is Over by Simon (who, by the way, used to play left-back for Arsenal back in ’82):

• Wander around aimlessly from one mamak to another mumbling to yourself, “My beloved Tottenham should have won it! We were robbed of the title! Jol is better than Shankly, he’s a legend…!”

• Try to remember back your wife/girlfriend/children’s names.

• Time to get off your lazy bum and go play some REAL football / futsal for a change!

• Who says the season is over? You still watch (and re-watch) your vast collection of videotaped matches… (and bore your friends with your tedious match analyses)

• Start a letter-writing campaign to John Dykes of ESPN-Star to kick out that arrogant and annoying Shebby Singh (“Well, you know, John, as a defender myself…” Puh-leez.)

• Volunteer as a coach for your son’s/nephew’s school team and use your vast knowledge of football theories and tactics to win the MSSD championship.

• Continue to live out your managerial fantasies on Championship Manager 5 (or Football Manager 5…)

• Watch the Malaysian Super League. (AHAHAHAHahahaha…!)

• Start collecting spare change from all your friends and neighbours to raise 200 million pounds to a controlling stake in a EPL team to challenge Abrahamovic and Glazer.

• Watch golf. (Yawn. Yeah, right.)
  

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Do We Not Bleed

My friend was mugged 2 weeks before his wedding. Damn robbers. There is a God, whether you believe in Him or not. Life is short, but the afterlife is eternal.



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Too Many Star Wars Blogs

(Since there’s been complaints about too many Star Wars blogs topics here, I’ll blog about something else.)

Chong Kiat – Eh, hi Rahman… How come you’re early today? No traffic jam?

Rahman – Oh, hi Kiat! Well, you know Sunday is Wesak, long weekend. Most of our colleagues in this division are also on leave.

Chong Kiat – Yeah, since there are so few of us, boss surely will have a lot of things to do.

Rahman – so did you watch that documentary on Evolution of Plant Life in the Dessert Environment last night? It was on National Geographic, what a fascinating show! The pro-generation mechanisms of these fauna under intense conditions are miraculous…

Chong Kiat – No, I didn’t catch that one, but I think my wife taped it for me. I was quite tired after finishing my thesis for the PhD programme, so I decided to spend a quiet evening finishing up Jurisprudence. You know my current obsession with law stuff.

Rahman – yes, I loved that one. That’s the Hagwell edition, right? So how’s the thesis coming along? You’re due for another presentation next week, right?

Chong Kiat – Yes, I defending my theory of symbiotic resurgence in embryonic Alaskan salamanders against Professor Haldon and Dr. Nik Mazwin… should be interesting… are you coming to watch?

Rahman – no, I think I’ll be at the Young CEO conference at the Convention Centre. Oh here, let me help you with that uniform.

Chong Kiat – Oh, thanks. This new model is so heavy. I’ll help you strap on the helmet. Got it?

Rahman – OK, lets get to work. We’re not paid to sit around chit-chatting. I’ll talk to you later on your thesis, love to hear about it…

Chong Kiat – Sure thing, Rahman. Here comes the boss…

Commander – ALL RIGHT, ALL STORMTROOPERS DIVISION 4 ALPHA SQUADRON… PLEASE REPORT TO LAUNCH DECK 6 OF DEATH STAR. LORD VADER WILL BE ENTERING SOON… REMEMBER, REBELS MUST DIE…

(Sorry, 5xmom, I can’t help it!!!)




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Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master

Since the nation is gripped with Anakin/Vader fever, I will be doing Star Wars-themed blogs every day (usually also in a Malaysian context). Well, not every day. I understand you can get sick of this stuff pretty fast. I’ll still be doing the normal moronic blogs about my life. But anyway yesterday, I did one on the Dark Lord of the Sith. Today, to balance out the Force, I’m doing one on the Jedi.

Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master by Simon (who can beat the crap out of Yoda anytime):

• “Wah, this bugger! Simply cut into the queue! You cannot see everyone lining up here is it? Want to see my lightsaber cut off your stupid hand is it?” *SHCWANGG!!!!*

• Ham sap Jedi Masters will be using the Force to ‘accidentally’ blow up women’s skirts…

• “OK, OK, I’ve programmed R2-D2 to copy 5 DVD’s per minute… tonight we sell at the pasar malam…”

• “But Yoda sifu, I know how to levitate the X-Wing already, I also know how to mind-control Stormtroopers already, now can teach me to see 4D number aa?”

• “Wah, you think your VTEC modified X-Wing can beat my VVT-i Pod racer, meh? So lan si! Come la, we race to that Maxis tower there, loser pay RM1000…”
  

Top Five Malaysian Part-Time Jobs for Darth Vader (to earn extra money to build the Death Star):

• ‘Kedai Gunting Unisex Anakin Fairlady – Precision Cut Hair Styling Using Our Latest Lightsaber Technology’

• “Hmmm…Horrrrr… (heavy breathing)… Do not underestimate the power of Dark Side… So leave your message after the beep… *TOOOT*”

• “And next, we have Vader modeling the new Gianni Versace Fall 2005 fashion line entitled ‘Black is the New Brown’….”

• “OK, now, Mr Vader, for this last scene of our ad, we need you to will slide across the floor in front of all your dancing Stormtroopers and sing ‘TM Broadbaaaaand, I like the Dark Siiiide…… wo-wo-wo….’”

• ‘Do you need personal bodyguards? Are rival gangs threatening your territory? Need more members to boost your triad strength? Need help to take revenge on your boss? Why not try Darth Vader’s Stormtrooper-For-Hire Service? Call now at 1-800-DEATHSTAR for unbeatable rates!! First 500 orders get a free TIE Fighter!’
  

Sometimes my wife says I need to get a life…

Other moronic Star Wars-in-Malaysia posts by Simon:

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia

Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies

Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie

Scenes That You Will NOT See in the New Star Wars Movie

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia by Simon (who by way, is the father of Princess Leia’s secret love-child):

• New national anthem – ‘Negaraku’ replaced with humming the cool Imperial March.
  
  
• Use of the ‘Force’ to kill any cabinet minister that opposes his view.

• During ribbon cutting ceremonies, he uses lightsaber instead of scissors.
  

• Crime reaches all time low when the police force is replaced by the Stormtroopers.
  
• Black robes become the new fashion craze.
  
• Who needs the RMAF and their hopeless Nuri helicopters? Bring on the TIE Fighters!

• Ampang Jaya is renamed ‘Anakin Jaya’, Melaka is renamed ‘Death Star City’, Sik is now called ‘Sith’.

• A new subject in the KBSR curriculum – ‘Heavy Breathing and Deep Scary Voice’.

• Everyone will wear T-shirts with slogans like “Jedis are losers”, “Eat this, Obi-Wan”, “Luke, I am your Father”, “Vader Rocks”, “Yoda Loves Miss Piggy”, etc.

• During UN or ASEAN meetings, NOBODY interrupts the Dark Lord of the Sith when he is talking.




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Top Ten Ways for NST to Increase Readership

I used to read NST for more than 18 years when growing up. Now I’ve switched to another leading paper, and NST readership has dropped drastically according to latest surveys. I can’t really pin-point the reasons it has become unpopular, but I can suggest some ways reach out to a wider target audience.

• Publish newspaper in 4 different sizes – extra large (for those with eyesight problems), large, small and A4-size (for reading in LRT).

• Publish daily-continuing soap-opera stories ala Dallas or Dynasty to keep people coming back everyday.
• More Lat comics.
• Give free Perodua Myvi with every yearly subscription.
• Have more niche-market pullouts – for example: Bonsai planting, spotlight on Telenovela Latin Amerika, weekly features on weird bloggers, etc.
• Scrap those un-funny and pathetic cartoons like Super Arang Man and Tok Guru.
• Free daily coupons to get 20 sen off the Star.
• Page Three Girls.
• Thought-provoking, free thinking, hard-hitting journalism not conforming to any unwritten rules that stifle freedom of speech. (No wait, that would be asking too much...)
• And finally, (strictly for MJ fans) Page Four Boys.

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Searching for Your Soulmate

“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”

Millions of lonely hearts are out there looking for love every day, every night. Some find it, some never do in their lifetime. But love, just like life, should always go on.



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Grooming Tips for Office Guys

I’ve been working for many years now, at many different levels. I’ve been a lowly trainee, entry level staff, mud-caked contractor, holier-than-thou consultant, middle management to manager (well, sort of).

To all those guys just starting work or going to, here’s some personal grooming advice that may seem corny, but will help you a lot in your job in the long run (and believe me, it will).

Shave everyday – Yes, this is corny and you may think that your office doesn’t really mind these minor issues; I work as a graphic designer, etc. I’ve been guilty of this at least once every week. But guess what, most Malaysians don’t look great in 3-day old stubble. Even if you don’t deal with clients or outsiders, shaving everyday gives an image of good personal hygiene; not shaving basically says you’re lazy and messy.

Iron your shirts – Before you say you don’t have time to iron, let me just say the sight of a creased shirt is off-putting enough to warrant you to do it. In my previous job a senior manager came down from the HQ to interview the staff and audit the site office morale. He was snooty and spoke in this faux Queen’s English accent, but his RM200 shirt looked like it came from the laundry basket. If you’re really that busy, buy those non-crease shirts. Besides, girls dig smart and neat dudes.

Dress smartly - This is in relation to the earlier one. Unless you work in an architectural or advertising where dressing properly is a heinous crime, you must always make an attempt to dress smartly. That means no jeans, no T-shirts, no parachute pants (those pants with pockets at side of the knees, usually worn by electricians), no army pants, no sandals, etc. My previous manager at the construction wore neat long sleeved shirts and slacks everyday to work, even though he spent like 6 hours a day under the sun or 4 inches in the mud. It gives the perception of authority and discipline, and besides it would be presentable to greet any visitor or person of authority entering the site.

Wear clean shoes and good socks – I’m also always guilty of this. Suddenly you are required to go somewhere where you have to take off your shoes (carpeted office, Japanese restaurant, etc) nobody wants to see your smelly socks with your toes sticking out of holes. My boss is also a stickler for clean, shiny shoes.

Being well groomed isn’t about spending a lot of money, its about taking good care of what you have and buying the right quality.

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Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies

Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies by Simon (who, by the way hasn’t been in a cinema for a long, long time):

• “OK, you see are, this part! This part! The hero’s going to get killed!!”
  

• Morons sitting bwhind you who kick your chair every time they get excited.

• “Hello, hello. Yes, yes, can talk, can, can. Watching movie, watching movie. Star Wars, Star Wars…” (They MUST repeat everything at least once!)

• Eating kuaci and throwing the husks on the floor like this is the Bentong Cathay cinema in 1984.

• Couples next to you getting fresh with one another like this is Bukit Gasing at night.

• Laughing hysterically at the Nokia “Turn off your handphone” ad. Even though they’ve seen it a thousand times.

• NOT turning off their handphones even after they’ve seen that Nokia ad a thousand times.

• Incontinent morons who have get up and pee 4 times during a 90 minute movie.

• “Daddy, daddy, why that guy in the movie like that, one? What is he saying? Daddy, Daddy that one is the brother, aah? Daddy, Daddy why…”

• WAHH!! SO GOOD, MAN!!! THAT DARTH VADER IS SO COOL!! RIGHT OR NOT, JOE?!!” (while clapping hysterically).

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