Tag Me! Tag Me!

So, okay I’m back from my short blogging break. Not that anyone noticed.

First things first, some long made promises. I’ve was tagged sometime ago by both shan and anjali*, but i had to swear off memes for a month, so now its back. Dun worry, i’ll do yours next, shan!

4 jobs you’ve had in your life

• Expendable lackey in a bloody hot T-shirt factory.
• Office boy (also known as ‘industrial training’).
• Chinaman contractor.
• cash attendant. In an extremely small sundry shop. The place is so small the mice are hunched-back.

4 movies you could watch over and over.
Hmm… I’m not the type that like to watch movies again after seeing it before, even though it’s my favourite, but if I were to choose…

• LOTR
• Back to the Future
• Top Secret!
• Joe’s Apartment

4 TV shows you love(d) to watch

• Friends
• Everybody Loves Raymond
• Cribs
• X-Files. Only the first two seasons. I thought it was the greatest show on TV back then. Then I suddenly stopped, when they started re-hashing the storylines.

4 places you’ve lived

• Small town Malaysia.
• University dorm, somewhere also in Malaysia.
• Small rented room in SS2, PJ.
• Suburbia of KL

4 places you’ve been on vacation to

• Singapore
• Langkawi
• Cameron Highlands
• Penang

(I very pathetic one la… all the places nearby only one…)

4 places you would rather be

• At home, sleeping
• London
• New York
• somewhere on the Mediterranean coast.

(as you can tell, its all wishful thinking…)

4 of your favourite food

• Pastry. There was this killer flaky curry puff back in the old hometown, I suppose that started it all for me…
• Nasi Lemak
• Chocolates
• Banana chips. Less salt, less oil.

4 websites you visit daily
I’m assuming by ‘website’, this doesn’t include blogs, right?

• Digg.com
• My Yahoo! homepage.
• The Edge Daily.
• Guardian Football Unlimited, sometimes they can be pretty annoying

4 tagged

• Ken Chubikia
• Patrick
• Mama23beas (the blogger formerly known as mama22beas)
• Jolene (do you actually DO memes?)

Get Professional Makeup and Look Like Jessica Simpson

You know those high class counters in the shopping centre selling designer perfume and obscenely expensive make up for women? Behind the counter are usually the prettiest sales girls in the shopping centre, dressed up in either white, grey or black, usually with heavy make up and fogged up perfume on their necks.

And with highlights in their hair.

Every time I pass by, they are usually either touching up their lipstick or spraying free sample perfume to passing by ladies. They never look at or entertain me, because

• I’m not a woman.
• I don’t look rich enough to buy any of their products for my wife.
• They know I’m just passing through the make-up section to get to the cheap sale factory reject
  pants on the other side of the department store.

Anyway, the other day, while I was walking through one of those perfume and make-up section (which is almost always entirely white in colour) on the way to see the cheap sale factory reject pants on the other side of the department store, I saw this sales girl applying make-up for a customer. The customer was a young woman, with a giggly friend in tow. The sales girl was obviously promoting this new makeup product and sort of teaching the customer how to apply it on.

I’m intrigued as to how this happened in the first place.

Salesgirl: Hello miss, you want to try our new ‘Eternal Beauty’ makeup line? Our spokesmodel is Jessica Simpson, if you put on our makeup, you face and whole body will look like her.

Customer: Wow, the poster looks good. But I don’t know how to apply it.

Salesgirl: Yeah, I can tell. Your make-up looks like shite.Or were you going for the ‘panda’ look?

Customer: No lah, I don’t have time to put on makeup properly every morning.

Salesgirl: Never mind, I put it on for you. But with your eyes closed you probably can’t see what the heck I’m doing, but whatever, let me just do it. You might just look as fabulous as me. Here wipe off your cheap makeup with this cloth.

Customer: OK. Jessica Simpson, huh?

Salesgirl: Yep. Face and body like her. OK, close your eyes, I’ll use this brush and mascara I’ve used for 13 other sweaty women today…

(after 10 minutes)

Salesgirl: Here’s a mirror, what do you think?

Customer: Oh, my God! I DO look like Jessica Simpson! I’ll take one set!

Salesgirl: Good! That will be USD$399.99. Plus we’re giving you a complimentary face towel worth USD$99.99. Please pay at the counter…

Customer: Woo-hoo! Hollywood here I come! Eat your heart out, Nick Lachey!

The Prime Directive

Mr. Tan – Alright, today’s a very important day. Let’s start out mission briefing.

Susie – I’m so tired… can I have another 5 minutes of rest? I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Mr. Tan – Discipline, Susie. You are a soldier, on a holy mission from the elders, discipline! Don’t make me report you to them… it is tantamount to heresy if you do not do your job!

Susie – alright, alright… Get on with of the mission briefing.

Mr. Tan – Okay. Like I said, today’s is an important day. It’s Day 6 of the week, the targets will come in the hordes.

Susie – Day 6, Saturday. Got it.

Mr. Tan – Now, you know what that means. We must be diligent, hardworking, and try to engage every one of them. Remember our Prime Directive?

Susie – yes, yes.

Mr. Tan – Recite me the Prime Directive now!

Susie – Umm… It is our divine right… to convert every single person here… er… Do not give up, do not take NO for an answer…

Mr. Tan – Yes? Continue…

Susie – Em…The targets do NOT know what they do NOT have, it is our primary duty to educate them, whether they like it or not… Failure is NOT an OPTION.

Mr. Tan - Good. I see that you have not forgotten The Prime Directive. Very important. Hundreds of our troops are stationed all across the nation on the Day 6. Okay, the Gates of Opportunity are opening now. Brace yourself.

Susie – Give me a minute… how does my hair look?

Mr. Tan – It looks fine, are you ready? Battle stations…

(Shopping center door opens, crowd rushes in for the Saturday sale…)

Susie – Sir, sir, Credit Card, sir? Free for life! Madam, credit card… joining fee waived… sir, sir… free for life…

Remembering Kenny

Remembering Kenny. It has been a year.

It was just past midnight, on the 3rd of February, 2005. Just a few days before Chinese New Year.

It was always at the back of my mind, I didn’t feel like posting about it until I read Pat’s post. Strange thoughts, indeed.

I don’t have any photos of the short time I knew him, because he didn’t like taking them due to his condition, but we’ll remember him very well…

Here’s to you, Kenny, and don’t forget to turn out the lights.

Post script.

I’m taking a few days break from this blog, due to some personal reasons. But simontalks will be back next week or so. I think.

More Obscure Movies That Did NOT Make It Here

Some of you may remember this earlier post I did. Well, since its another slow day, here’s more of the same. Some more obscure Hollywood movies that strangely were never released here…

Hairy Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz – The Chewbacca-like wizard boy Hairy Potter (too much hair-growing hormones) is back for another hair-raising (no pun intended) adventure including an escaped convict, the infamous Birdman of Alcatraz, a new found love, Bak Chang, an ethnic Chinese to draw in the lucrative China market. Also Hairy battles the bad guys again, a lot of fainting like a little girl, a lot burning scar on forehead (please, its getting kind of lame now, JK). And by the way, the bad guy is still (and always will be) Voldemort, he’s got a 7-book and 7-movie deal that stems from the author’s lack of imagination to create different baddies (oh yeah, like copying Sauron is SO difficult).

Spy-cam Man 2 – The docile, dorky student Pervy Parker gets bitten by a radioactive buaya (crocodile) and gets x-ray vision. Spends most of his time gawking at girls and filming them with a secret spy-cam, then posting them up on the Net. Also fights his nemesis, the president of the Parent Teacher’s Association (PTA). Not much of a story line, but very popular with a certain segment of the viewers…

King Kong – I thought it was about my old school friend Chong King Kong. Boy, was I wrong. He didn’t even appear once.

Infernal Affairs VIII – a complicated cat-and-mouse story about a undercover cop who infiltrates the Hong Kong triads, who asks him to infiltrate back into the police force, but then later the police ask him to infiltrate the Malaysian DVD pirate syndicate, who forces him to go undercover in the Singapore postal department, where he meets this triad member who is instructed to infiltrate the deep, dark society of Multi level marketing…

Constantine – Keanu Reeves stars as a stone faced guy who can’t act, but can sing very well. Very good looking, sells out on his heavy metal band and joins and commercialized popularity contest masked as a singing contest. Heavily favoured to win, but after selling his soul to the devil, gets booted out and nice farm girl wins contest.

Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam 2 – Oh, wait, you mean this is actually a REAL movie?!

Technorati Tags: movies

What Bosses Like to Say

I’ve worked with lots managers over the years, some good, some bad. Some even are like that pointy-haired boss in the Dilbert comic strip. But one thing they do, they seldom say what’s on their mind. I’ve no idea why. But I’ve pretty much learnt to understand what they are really saying (to hear between the words, so to speak…).

When your boss says:
“We’re not looking for someone to blame” or “We’re not blaming you for this screw-up“…

He really means:
“Yep, I’m blaming you.”

***

When your boss says:
“The dateline can’t be negotiated…”

He really means:
“Hope you don’t have any plans on Saturday and Sunday…”

***

When your boss says:
“Let me be the devil’s advocate for a moment…”

He really means:
“Let me say what I REALLY think of your work…”

***

When your boss says:
“You must understand that in this company we have proper channels and hierachy of organization…”

He really means:
“Don’t talk to the director without consulting me first.”

***

When your boss says:
“Anything else?”

He really means:
“Discussion over, get out of my so I can get back to my Flash game.”

Celebrity Showdown: Superman vs. Batman

For those of you who follow Hollywood news, you’d know that there’ll be a new Superman movie coming up. While the fan boys are salivating with the prospects of it, while busy discussing this like the size of his chest logo, I’m not exactly totally psyched up yet. Probably it’s because of the old movies they made back in the 80’s. While they weren’t exactly bad, they kind of look cheesy now. Well, at least the TV shows fare much better. They had Lois & Clark in the 80’s and Smallville now.

But the million dollar question would be – Who’s cooler? Batman or Superman? Who would win in a celebrity showdown?

Five reasons why Superman is cooler than Batman:

• It takes a real Krypton MAN to wear RED underwear – outside your pants.
• Superman fights alone. Batman needs his hairy legs sidekick Robin.
• Superman can fly. Batman needs AirAsia to do that.
• X-ray vision. He’ll probably go crazy every time he passes the girl’s locker room.
• Kristin Kreuk. Period.

Five reasons why Batman is cooler than Superman:

• It takes a REAL MAN to dress up like a bat.
• Alfred takes care of every little nitty household detail. Clark Kent has to wash his own red and white suit.
• Girls love the strong, silent men.
• With that batsuit, you don’t need a costume for all those Halloween parties you keep getting invited to.
• The Batmobile. End of debate.

Five new villains that will appear in the new Superman movie:

Technorati Tags: Superman, Batman, Dick Cheney

Veteran and Noob Bloggers

OK, I’m bored and restless. And too un-motivated to do anything productive.

These days, there are literally dozens of new Malaysian blogs appearing everyday. I think the turning point was during the PPS 2nd anniversary, and all the publicity in the papers, and then the floodgates open. Browsing through our local blog portals, i can see lots of new faces (well, not their faces, literally), its a little difficult to sift through so many. But more on the noob pingers later.

Right. My blog turned one just a few days before the Chinese New Year, but there was no specific post on it. I’m kinda reminded of some of the old school bloggers that were around when i started this thing about a year ago. Let me rack my memory a little bit to list down some that i can remember:

J’ded by Venus - slowed down a bit since going to uni. Reading her in recent months always give me this feeling that she’s not really saying what’s on her mind, you know the feeling? But anyway. She’s one blogger that likes to post without titles.

the Mudpond - stopped since November last year. No idea why.

jasonmumbles - food, food, food… mmm… still around.

TV Smith - His post is the one that finally convinced me to start my own (Blogging For Dungus) but he’s not posting as often as he used to. But i really love his dark humour. Remember the Hari Raya kongsi gelap post? or the driving test one…?

5xmom - oh, still there. Heck, even bigger and more often than before! Now with kick ass template some more!!

the good doctor - of course he’s still blogging. there’ll be a small demonstration outside the GH if he’s stopping…

frozenlily - munkit’s prolly on a beach somewhere sipping diet coke and watching bikini babes. Even his old archives isn’t available.

viewtru - the mystery man shows no signs of slowing down, some more guest-starring in Mini blog. A lot of burning questions surround this guy - is he really a millionaire recluse? What does he look like? When is the 3-in-1 Nescafe tarik Kungfu Girl going to have a sequel?

buangmasa - also stopped. Explanation at the site.

rojaks - hah, bigger and better now. Some more got big PR5 button on his site…! So, if you’re looking for some serious theological discussion and socio-economic commentary, this is the place…

belacans - another victim of busy work. Or so it seems… hmmm… Oi, post lah something, brader!

speaking of mini - yep, after a few template changes, she’s still blogging. I like her minimalist template, the current one.

mrkiasu - tutup kedai long time oredi.

A few more vets still in service that i can recall - reta, fashionasia, nsds3, sashi, eyeris, and all those good folks on the blogroll, umm, sorry if I forget to mention anyone’s name. Memory a bit rusty. And of course the famous people like kenny, suanie, lainie and the rest.

Right, enough about the veterans.

I need new, funny blogs to read. If you have one, or know one, let me know. Yep, just bring it on. More the merrier.

Make Some Money From the Rains

Looks like another day of rains and floods in the capital. Bummer. I’ve been thinking of some ways to beat the blues and maybe make some money…

• Put out as many empty mineral water bottles in the rain until they are full, seal them, label them with some expensive sounding name like ‘SkyJuice‘ or ‘La Rain Naturale‘, and sell them. For RM3.80 per bottle. If you sell them at a low price, people will think its some cheap brand with tap water.

• Buy a boat / sampan / 2nd-hand cruise liner and start a low-cost river ferry service along the Klang River for office workers to beat the jam. Quicker commute, plus you get to enjoy the beautiful river scenes and animals.
• Put on saffron robes, ruffle up your hair, go stand at the busy street corner under an umbrella in the pouring rain. Put a bowl in front of you for people to toss money in. Then keep shouting “donate money to me, and i will beseech the rain gods to stop this punishment of precipitation upon us!!! RM5 per prayer! The end is near!”
• When there is a 3-hour standstill traffic jam in the city, collect empty mineral water bottle, put on a raincoat, and go round to all the cars stuck in the jam and sell he bottles as pee-pots (but don’t use the same bottles again for item 1 above…)
• Give cheap swimming lessons in the pool that appeared on the NKVE.

Got any other ideas?

Jam The Usual

The was a horrible traffic jam all over KL yesterday evening, due to one or more of the following reasons:

1. heavy downpour in the afternoon;
2. Uprooted trees on roads due to item 1 above;
3. Road closures due to item 2 above;
4. Cars stranded at crucial junctions due to item 3 above
5. More traffic jams due to item 4 above
6. Impatient driver cutting cue and stopping in the yellow boxes due to item 5 above
7. Car breakdowns and accidents due to item5 and 6 above.

So, all in all, a pretty normal Tuesday evening in the city. Hmmm… yesterday was also an important day for something or other… i can’t remember what…

P/s Apologies for the short post. Mid-week blues.