Apa You Punya Ambition?

When I was in primary school (back in the dawn of time…) every year towards the end of the school term, after the final exams and report cards have been dealt with, the teachers had this form to fill where they asked each student their ‘ambitions’ – what they wanted to be when they grew up.

I don’t know what was the real purpose of the whole exercise, to be honest. Probably it was purely for the benefit of teachers and parents. Parent could forever hold it against their child, “See, last time you wanted to be a lawyer, how come you ended being an unemployed blogger?!” Or perhaps the teacher would say, “Gee, this dumb kid wants to be a politician, I better watch him carefully, who knows what dirt I can use against him if he really becomes a famous politician…”

But at 7 or 8 years old, I can tell you most kids would put down jobs like Doctor, Lawyer or Policeman. None of us put down real-life jobs like Senior Training Consultant, Structural Design Engineer or Systems Analyst. You won’t see ambition like Victoria Secret Catalogue Photographer, Male Underwear Model or Pirated VCD Entrepreneur, either.

So why Doctor, Lawyer and Policeman? I dunno. But for my class, when we asked to give our ambition, we would go something like this:

Students: “Apa itu ambition, cikgu?”
Teacher (waiting for the class bell): “Tak kisahlah, letak sajalah apa-apa. Doktor ke, Loyar ke, Polis ke…”

So all of us put down exactly what the teacher said.

(Side note : You know, when I read in the newspapers that primary school teachers are suppose to be career guidance counselors by identifying and nurturing specific talents in their students, it really cracks me up.)

There’s nothing wrong in aspiring to be a doctor, lawyer or a cop. I’m assuming my teacher thought of them as noble professions when she rattled them off, and in fact they ARE still good jobs. So did I end up working in one of the three hallowed profession?

Doctor? Heck, when you’re 8 years old, you would not realize the 7 years it needs to study medicine (not including 1 year of housemanship) This is not to mention the 5A’s required in STPM. And the fact that most families won’t be able to afford to send their kid to study medicine.

Lawyer? I’m assuming being a loyar buruk doesn’t count as one. I dunno, once I reached secondary school, law never interested me (despite watching the glamorous LA LAW), I was studying in science stream anyway.

Police? I don’t think I can tahan the rigours of cadet life. But on the plus side, had I applied for the job, I would have made front page news in one of those article that say, “Only one Chinese applicant for police force again this year…” (With a picture of a shirtless me struggling to do a push-up)

Being a blogger counts as a respectable profession, right?!

Simon’s Top 12 Songs to Listen to When Life Sucks…

Simon’s Top Twelve Songs to Listen to When Life Sucks…

• May it Be by Enya
• You’ll See by Madonna
• Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
• Fade to Black by Metallica
• White Flag by Dido
• Carrie by Europe
• Forever Young by Alphaville
• A Tout de la Monde by Megadeth
• Feel by Robbie Williams
• Through the Barricades by Spandau Ballet
• Rent by Pet Shop Boys
• Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton

*Sigh*……I need an iPod…

Sempit II: Some More Love Story

(Due to mildly popular demand, I have written the sequel to my earlier Sempit: A Malaysian Love Story. If you haven’t read it, you can do so here.)

Vijaya: Here we are in my father’s very large living room. He’ll be coming down than grand staircase anytime now… Ray, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?

Raymond: As sure as the sun rises in the… in the… (mumbles to himself) “Dong…Nam…Sai…Pak”…east! As sure as the sun rises in the EAST I will confront your father about our love!

Vijaya: I’m just afraid he’ll do something to you. He is a very hard man, darling.

Raymond: What’s the worst that can happen? I’m going to tell him that we’re getting married, and he will see that we are in love, and he will give us his blessing. What can go wrong? He…

Father: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? (father comes down slowly and dramatically from grand staircase)

Vijaya: Father, no! This is Ray…

Raymond: Uncle! I have come to ask for you daughter’s hand in marriage. We are deeply in love, uncle. Please give us your blessing…

Father: GIVE YOU MY BLESSING?! How about I give you a kick in the…

Vijaya: No, Father, no….!!!

Father: You dare defile my daughter’s purity? We are a proud Brahmin race! WHERE’S MY PARANG?!

Raymond: Please be reasonable uncle… Not that bad maa, nowadays mixed marriages in our masyarakat majmuk is very common. Besides, our children will get exotic looks, can act in TV commercials or become Miss Malaysia….

Vijaya: Eh? Children? Miss Malaysia?

Father: Why you…. Bodyguards! Throw this infidel out!

Raymond: No, wait! I have this great business plan for Ah Long-chettiar venture! And Gong Xi-Diwali! MGR classics dubbed in Cantonese for Wah Lai Toi…

(The two bodyguards grab Raymond and drag him screaming and struggling outside…)

Raymond: No, wait… Vijaya…! Uncle…! You haven’t heard about my idea for Brickfields…!

Saravanan the Bodyguard: (whispering) I say, macha, don’t scratch-scratch my face, lah. Movie only lah. Tomorrow I got another audition for Gerak Khas…

Raymond: (whispering) This bloody director-lah… how many times he want to shoot this scene…

(Read the sequel here.)

Next Malaysian Singer to Perform in London?

Excerpt from the Star yesterday:

Malaysia’s pop princess aims for international stardom with London gig

LONDON: Besides reaching the pinnacle of her dreams, singing sensation Siti Nurhaliza will carry the hopes of Malaysia’s music industry when she makes history with her debut at the Royal Albert Hall on Friday.

I’m not a fan of Siti (not by a million light years…), our local ‘pop princess’ (I’ll scream if I hear that cliché again), but I have to admit, getting to perform at the Royal Albert Hall is some achievement for a Malaysian. Skeptics would say that the gomen would have lobbied and pushed for this event to promote Malaysia at the world stage as part of the globalization campaign, meaning Siti was virtually ‘at the right place at the right time’.

Reading the article made me wonder (and that would mean a blog entry…) What about other Malaysian music stars? Surely they deserve a chance to be given 100% support by our gomen. Here are some past and present stars, along with my opinion of their chances to appear in the London Royal Albert Hall. (Five stars means ‘sure thing‘; one star means ‘cold day in hell‘)

The Alleycats – These seasoned pub performers from Penang are pros at performing live. I can imagine David Arumugam and Loga (with their huge Afros) going “Terima KaSIH!” in London. Plus they had a guitarist named Ah Hock. But on the downside, their kind of ‘neither here nor there’ music were suited just for, well, pubs and hotel lounges. (Chances = ***)

Sudirman Hj. Arshad – He would have been a sure thing, too bad he isn’t around anymore. (Chances = *****)

Reshmonu – Can’t stand this R&B celup wannabe, but he seems popular these days. But why would the gomen promote sub-par American R&B as Malaysian music? (Chances = ***)

The whole Akademi Fantasia gang – Look, I said real talent, not second-rate kenduri kahwin singers, OK? All twelve of them added up wouldn’t get half a star. (Chances = negative)

Amelina / Mas Idayu – Now this would be interesting. If the gomen were to promote dangdut to the world, these two ‘puteri dangdut’ would be top of the list. I would pay good money to see the expression on the faces of Londoners when they see Amelina shaking her grove thang, going “Mari kita, oh-ah-ah” or “cinta aku seratus-peratus halal…”(Chances = **)

Silent Death / Sil-Khannaz / Suffercation / Cromok reunion gig – Oh, yeah sure. The chances of these local guys appearing in London would be slightly better than Iron Maiden appearing in Putra Stadium. (Chances = 0)

A.A. Govindasamy and the Pasar Sentul Dalam Raaga Raaga Tabla Gang – Sure thing, man! (Chances = **********)

Kid Questions

To all those who affected by the earthquake tremors this morning, I hope that everything is back to normal in your lives by now and let us all continue to pray for and contribute to the victims in Sumatra. Many of you have commented and given personal accounts of the incident, so I won’t go into it. Instead let me cheer up your mood a little bit.

(This isn’t a continuation of the Sempit blog. That sequel is coming soon, I promise…)

Here are some questions you’ll probably hear from your children in the near future. If you’re not married or do not have children yet, just wait. One day when you have children, they’ll probably ask these questions.

*****
Question 1

Kid: Dad, why is do you and mom always say “3 o’clock”, “12 o’clock” and “9 o’clock” when you drive to a roundabout? Its only not even 8am yet…

You: Ummm… Well if you imagine you’re looking at a clock, then 12 o’clock straight ahead… (you go into a detail explanation on the clock face theory)

Kid: But what’s a clock face? My watch only says “7:55”.

You: Well, that because you have a digital clock. You need to look at an analogue clock, the one with 2 hands.

Kid: What’s an analogue clock? 2 hands?

You: … (sigh) 3 more days til school starts again…

*****
Question 2

Kid: Dad, why does my PC have an ‘A:’ drive and a ‘C:” drive but no ‘B:’ drive?

You: (Goes into long explanation of PC history)… Long time ago… PC… 5.25” floppy disk… hard drive… obsolete…I’m getting old…etc.

Kid: But why are floppy disk not floppy? They hard! And what is an inch?

You: Oh, look your mother’s here. Why don’t you go ask her?

*****
Keep on praying against the natural disasters, everybody. Peace out.

SEMPIT : A Malaysian Love Story

Vijaya: Darling, we’ve got to stop meeting in the pantry like this. Kak Esah the cleaning lady is getting suspicious. One day she’s bound to find out about us.

Raymond: Trust me, darling. This is the only way. Meeting in the director’s toilet was so wrong, darling.

Vijaya: But there are no director’s in our office… And this pantry is so narrow and uncomfortable.

Raymond: Let’s talk about us, darling. I don’t care if our colleagues find out about us, darling. I just want to be with you.

Vijaya: You don’t understand, Raymond. I’m manager level, you are just an executive… I get 25 days annual leave, you only have 14… I can claim medical check-up, you have to visit our panel doctor in Pandan Indah… I have a company car, you have to park on the roadside… Its not meant to be, darling… Its just not fated.

Raymond: No, don’t say that. Look into my eyes, my sweet vadir. I believe that if a boy and a girl love each other, nothing can stand their way.

Vijaya: Who’s this boy and girl you’re talking about?

Raymond: Us, Veej! I believe our love is strong! I don’t care what people say, let’s get married! Have you told your father about me?

Vijaya: I can’t, darling, he’ll never understand…

Raymond: You must tell him, I can’t go on like this.

Vijaya: No, no, you don’t know him like I do! I’m from University of Cumfuttingbria, Wales UK. You are from FIT, Cheras. He will never accept you.

Raymond: You have to try! He will see that our love is strong!

(Suddenly the door opens and Kak Esah the cleaning lady walks in…)

Kak Esah: Eh? You dua orang tengah buat apa ni?! Tangkap basah ke? Khalwat! Khalwat…! (runs off screaming)

Vijaya: My God! What are going to do?

Raymond: Nothing! The whole office will know in less than 5 minutes! And in 25 minutes, the whole area from Ampang to Cheras! We have to face your father now!

Vijaya: You don’t understand! He’ll be coming for you tonight with a parang!

(Read the sequel here. Any similarities to any existing movies or people is purely coincidental.)

Novelty Restaurants

Just read in the Star yesterday about this novelty restaurant in Melbourne called “The Dark Side”. The gimmick here is that everything in this eatery is pitch dark. The waiters are dressed in black and wear night vision goggles. Oh, yeah. Great idea. They could be serving you beef infested with maggots or the cockfight loser chicken and you wouldn’t even know any better. And the worse thing is that you’ll probably come out of the place with gravy stains and all over your shirt.

And how much would a place like charge you? Not at cost price, I can bet you. With all the savings they make on the electricity bills and the time in making the food look presentable (they probably serve your drinks in those free Colgate mugs), you’d think the place would be as cheap as McDonalds. At least in McDonalds, you can SEE if the meat is fresh, not some roadkill scraped off the PLUS highway.

OK, enough badmouthing the place, I haven’t even been to there before, let’s give the benefit of the doubt.

There’s another novelty restaurant, this one is the no-hands restaurant in Bangkok. Here’s the deal, you don’t have to use your hands to eat at this place, two girls will sit on each side of you, and serve you with chopsticks. You just have to tell them what you want, they’ll feed you with it.

This is all fine, at least if you can speak Thai. If you can’t, well, I can imagine what happens. “Oh, did you say ‘more red chillies’? OK, here goes, its burning hot, mind you!” “Hey, if you’re not going to tell me what you want to eat, I’m NOT FEEDING YOU!”

Or if you happen to get two health freak naggers feeding you, too bad. “No more fried chicken for you! Eat some broccoli! And pig’s intestines. It’s good for you.” “You know, you must try this Atkins diet I’m on. No red or white meat. This cow died unnecessarily. Here, have more asparagus stew.”

Or if you didn’t tip your girls well the last time you were here, they would probably go like, “Oh silly me, did I just spill this cup of steaming hot coffee onto your crotch?” “Oh look! This sushi I’ve been feeding you isn’t really dead yet!”

Myself, I’ll stick to roadside mamak food and hawker stall wantan mee.

Overused American Idol Comments

American Idol is really hotting up here. But one thing that gets me is that the judges don’t really know how to express themselves when commenting on the performances. Here are some of the comments they’ve used over and over again…

Randy “The Dawg” Jackson:

“It was just a-iight for me man.”
“Listen, it was your BEST performance, so far.”
“What’s up, dawg?”
“How do you think you did?”
“You da bomb, girl/dude”
You’re just like a young Aretha Franklin, girl!”
“What’s going down, dawg?”
“Dude, it was a little pitchy, but it all came together in the end…”

Paula “Not Really An Idol” Abdul:

“You really owned the stage, well done.”
“I’m a big fan of your voice”
“You’re already a star”
“I’m so pround of you”
“I’ll have to say not one of your best performance”
“You look awesome tonight”

Simon Cowell:

“Let me put this in perspective…”
“How shall I put this…”
“Walk into any second-rate hotel lounge/cabaret/karaoke bar…”
“Undeniably, the best performance we’ve heard so far, tonight”
“It was a complete and utter mess”
“It was all over the place.”
“Ghastly”
“Horrendous”

And remember everyone, drink Coca-Cola just like the *cool* judges!

Work for Jobless Grads: Another Fictional Story

Except from The Star today:

Work for Jobless Grads

The Higher Education Ministry is considering to absorb jobless graduates into local education institutions to teach certain subjects. Minister Datuk Dr Shafie Mohd Salleh said yesterday that these graduates could take up these jobs in schools. “We need to look at specific areas in the education sector which can be filled by these graduates.

Oh, yeah. I can imagine it now. Jonathan Chan the IT graduate from University of Nossex, United Kingdom is sent to Sekolah Rendah Kampung Ayak Tawak, Felda Kundang Ulu, in the interiors of the Johor virgin jungle. Jonathan, since he was from Lucky Garden International School and also studied in UK, he was required to teach Bahasa Inggeris Darjah Tiga (Primary 3 English) to 29 Felda settlement children.

(Because of his schooling, it is important to note that Jonathan speaks no Bahasa Malaysia, except important words like jamban, briyani, saudari and a few more unprintable ones)

Jonathan: Ok, yeah, guys, I’m going to be your new English teacher here, like, until I get a decent job in Accenture or Microsoft. I’m Jonathan from Lucky Garden…

Primary 3 boys: (together in sing-song voices) SE-LA-MAT PA-GI, CIK-GOOO…..

Jonathan: Whoa, like easy on singing, man. Ok, like I was saying, man, I went for like, a dozen interviews in KL & Singapore already, man. Hoping to like get a job offer anytime now, so like this teaching is just a temporary gig, just to keep the cash flow going there, know what I’m saying? (*grins*)

Primary 3 boys: (Silence as they gape at him)

Jonathan: OK, so, like you guys are not so much talkers, eh? Its OK if you don’t put out on the first date….Ah hahahahaha…. (wipes tears of laughter) I crack myself up sometimes.

Primary 3 boys: (More silence a few jaws drop onto tables)

Jonathan: So what’s hot around K-Town here, man? I don’t know how long I can survive without a Big Mac and broadband, yeah? I’ve been up and down the main street here, kinda nice place you’ve got here, kinda like those old movies. Speaking of which, anyone of you seen the new French film, Le Flabbergastuer? I so into art house these days.

Primary 3 boys Drool starts flowing down the open mouths…)

Jonathan: OK, so like just to warm you guys up to me, I like blogging, Six Feet Under, Half-Life, Paris Hilton (hubba, hubba, hubba!) and I’m trying to get this web development biz off the ground, man. And on weekends I’m usually on two wheels through the jungles at Kiara, or out with my friends at Bangsar, you know just hanging loose… Man, its kinda hot here, innit? Yeah, can one of you munchkins there crank up the fan? “It getting hot in herre…” (sings like Nelly)

Kamil the Primary 3 Class Monitor: Eh, aku tak paham dia cakap apa. Budak darjah tiga mano paham cakap orang putih? Leman, engko paham, ke?

Leman: Aku ingat dia sikit tak betul, lah.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.

Two thousand years ago, one of the greatest tragedies of human history was unfolding outside the city of Jerusalem. On a lonely hill called Calvary, they led the one called Jesus Christ out to be crucified on a wooden cross.

Hung between two thieves, the he was mocked and taunted by the crowd and Roman guards.

Betrayed by a friend, hung out to dry
Alone in the end, stretched across the sky
Eclipse the sun, they know not what they do
They say if God is love why would He be so cruel
“Scarecrow” by Bride

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”–which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Matthew 27:45, 46

Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.
Luke 23:45-46

And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, “Surely this man was the Son of God!”
Mark 15:39

I will always love you
Your memory will live in heart
I will always love you
We will be reunited on that glorious day
Face to face.
“Face to Face” by King James

Today, as our world creeps slowly towards self-destruction, I am reminded of the incidents that took place two millennia ago.

Keep the faith, my good friends.