18 Things I Learned From Watching HK Cantonese TV Serials

18 Things I learned from watching HK Cantonese TV serials:

1. When there is a big dinner on a round table, everybody always sit on one half of the table only, even if it means everyone squeezing together. Why nobody dares to sit on THIS side of the table is a great mystery.
2. Every Hong Kong family’s grandparents (which the family visits once in awhile) strangely looks the same. It’s like every family in the whole HK shares only about 4 or 5 grandparents altogether.
3. Most people in Hong Kong are pretty good-looking, with clear and fair skin. There are some who are not so good-looking, they mostly work as shop assistants or taxi drivers. Even the triad gangsters are pretty handsome.
4. Speaking of triad gangsters – no matter how violent or crooked they are, they NEVER swear. Not even bahasa kesat. The worst they ever say is ‘sei phok kai’.
5. If you are sick or not feeling very well, your mother’s bird’s nest soup or chicken soup can cure everything.
6. All emergency rooms in the hospital have a light above the door that automatically switches on during life-threatening surgeries. And when the surgery ends, it will automatically turn itself off when the surgeon exits the emergency room. The victim’s family will be anxiously looking at this light all the time.
7. The aforementioned surgeon exiting the ER, he is always wearing a nice, clean labcoat (even if it was a messy gunshot wound) and is always extremely calm when delivering serious news to the awaiting family.
8. All the women wear heavy make-up to bed every night. And their hair is perfectly set. They also wear nice, matching pajamas. Nobody wears sexy lingerie or go to bed naked. No siree, bob.
9. Middle-aged women diligent brush their hair every night before bed, while talking to their husbands. Or they sit in bed and read.
10. When someone wants to go to sleep at night and turns off the light, when the light goes out immediately a soft blue light shines across faces, but they never notice it.
11. Whenever someone wants to commit suicide, they always go to this same rocky cliff somewhere in HK. Even if they stay halfway across the island.
12. Apparently in HK, road side pushcart stalls selling fishball on a stick or smelly beancurd (chou toufu) are very popular.
13. Every rich family has at least one elderly amah serving them. She usually wears a white samfoo is and calls the master “lou yeh”, and she is called “Ah Ying Cher“.
14. Back the 80’s, the chief of every police station or CID department is always a kwailou, wearing that ugly green uniform with shorts. And he always speaks impeccable Cantonese, albeit with that annoying accent.
15. You address a policeman as “Ah-Ser”, or “Ma-Dam” if its a policewoman.
16. Japanese men visiting HK on business trips are all dirty-minded men. They are always bald-shaven and have a Hitler-style mustache.
17. Favourite pastime for middle aged women - its mahjong by far. For old men, it’s Chinese chess or bird-rearing.

18. In the 70’s, series ended with everyone dying (‘ham kar sei sai’). In the 80’s series tended to end with an unresolved question (’will she wake up from the coma?‘). In the 90’s til now, series have happy endings.

Classic Rock Songs Murdered in Local Ads

You know that DiGi ad on the radio that rips off Queen’s “We Will Rock You”? It goes something like “SMS at one sen, calls at 15 sen…We will, we will rock you…” I can imagine Freddie Mercury turning in his grave and Brian May squirming in his Bahamas summer home every time they play that sacrilege.

Suddenly, the other day I heard another ad by DiGi’s competitor - this time using Queen’s “I Want It All”. What the heck is going on?! What’s with the sudden obsession with using classic rock songs for local ads? I can see it now, all those highly paid ad execs and publicity managers suddenly looking through their dads’ old record collection for soundtracks to accompany their ad ideas.

Let me save them a few weeks of work. I’ve listed down some old rock songs (not necessarily by Queen) and some products or companies that can use them.

Song: Rock You Like a Hurricane by Scorpions
Use in Ad for: Listerine PocketPaks
Scenario: This guy is fishing on a small boat. He’s bored, so he slips a slice of Listerine PocketPak in his mouth. Suddenly, the sea around him turns into tidal waves and lightning flashes, while the music kicks in. Then the voiceover say “Listerine PocketPaks - Rock you Like a Hurricane…”

Song: Don’t Stand So Close To Me by the Police
Use in Ad for: Pizza Hut’s new durian flavoured pizza or Odorono

Song: We Are the Champions by Queen
Use in Promo for: The Malaysian Football Team, to be used as a promo highlighting their success in international tournaments. Oh wait, they can’t even beat Singapore…
Excerpt to Use: We are the champions, We are the champions, of the world…. NOT!

Song: Love Hurts by Nazareth
Use in Ad for: KY Jelly
Excerpt from Song to Use: “Take a lot of pain, love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain. Love hurts, love hurts.”
Ad Tagline: “Use KY Jelly for a smoother sensation… because sometimes Love Hurts.”

Song: Desperado by Eagles
Use in Promo for: MCA Cupid Club recruitment drive.
Premise of Ad: Pics of single Chinese men & women flash by in the background with as Michael Chong serenades slowly, “…Desperado…”

Song: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepellin or Temple of the King by Rainbow
Use by: I dunno, I just this feeling that PAS should use these two songs for their coming election campaign.

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Use in Ad for: Oh, never mind. This song will never get past the Malaysian censors.

Seriously, I understand not many of you will not *get* this blog, ‘coz it really shows my age…

MJ’s Defence Strategy

This conversation between MJ and his defense lawyer in his Neverland ranch was secretly taped and leaked out to the press recently. The conversation took place just after the allegations of molestation against MJ first surfaced…

MJ: You’re late! I’ve been calling you for the last 2 hours? Where have you been?!

Lawyer: I was lost in your stupid Neverland ranch! Why do keep installing those dangerous little-boy-traps? Somebody is going to get seriously hurt one day!

MJ: They are not little-boy-traps! They are for catching… er…. Squirrels.

Lawyer: Yeah, if the squirrel is 4’6” and weighs a hundred pounds…

MJ: They’re for squirrels!! And bears!

Lawyer: Yeah, whatever. What are you watching here? DVDs? What’s this?! (Looking at the DVD box covers) “Little Boys from Bangkok”? “Spank Me If I’m Naughty”?!

MJ: Hey, don’t touch that! They’re… educational videos! Listen, I didn’t call you all the way here for small talk. What are we going to do about these molest allegations? Have you come up with a defense plan like I asked you yesterday?

Lawyer: Yes, yes. My boys and I have and worked all night, and we have come up with a few good defense strategies. I think the our best chance is to go with Plan A. We call it Misunderstood Genius MJ. We’ll say that this boy is basically lying to get money, and make up out to be the misunderstood musical genius. Like Elvis and Little Richard…

MJ: Yes, yes, go on…. Musical genius…I like it….

Lawyer: As for Plan B, we call it Eccentric Hermit MJ. We’ll try to say that this whole molestation thing never happened, and we play up the eccentric recluse story. We’ll bring up the Elephant Man, Oxygen Tank, Face Whitening… we were thinking of bringing Bubbles the chimpanzee as a character witness.

MJ: No, I don’t like that one. Besides, Bubbles is still in drug rehab in Cuba. Let’s go with Plan A. Also, make out this cancer boy as a gold digging opportunistic little devil out to ruin my career…

Lawyer: Yes, but before that, as your lawyer, I need to ask you something very important. Did you or did you not molest this boy? Are the allegations true?

MJ: I refuse to answer that question without my lawyer present!!!

Lawyer: I AM your lawyer!!!

MJ: Get out, you’re fired!!! You piece of white trash!

Lawyer: Speak for yourself!!!

MJ: Objection, your honour!! You’re badgering the witness! I demand a retrial! Contempt for the court! Sidebar! I plead the first amendment…!

Lawyer: Weirdo.

A Life Almost Forgotten

Everybody naturally has 4 grandparents, two maternal and two paternal. Some people live into adulthood with all their grandparents still around, some never have the chance to meet anyone of them. Most people fall in between, knowing just one or two of them for awhile when they were young.

My maternal grandmother lived a hard life. She came down from China alone, and lived for most of her life in Malaya in poverty without any relatives. As I knew her, she was a bitter woman with a caustic tongue, a trait somewhat passed down to my mom and me. In her later years, she suffered near-total deafness, and spoke very little. In fact in the 18 years I knew and lived with her, she hardly spoke to me, although she brought me up in the early years. I guess the adage is true, “if you do not have anything good to say to someone…”

She was a chain smoker. And she only smoked one type of fag, Signal brand. I don’t think you can find that brand anymore. As a result, she perpetually suffered from horrible cough and other related ailments.

As I think back now, the only times I remember her smile and laugh is when she used to play cards with her best friend in Batu Gajah, Perak.

She watched silently as her husband fade away in old age and death at 91, and she herself passed on in silence and alone in our her room, nearly 80.

Because she never really talked to me much, she brought with her to the grave a treasure trove of memories, sights, distant faces, broken hope and dreams in her life.

I would have loved to hear about her childhood in China, her friends, her sojourn into a faraway land, her wonderful stories of bringing up 2 children.

In life we make our own choices and live by them, and sometimes these choices are predetermined and we just have to accept them.

But to die alone is one of the greatest travesties in life.

So I Went iPod Shopping

So I went iPod shopping today, kononnya lah…. Actually I was in KLCC on the way back from banana leaf rice in Lebuh Ampang with a friend (we took the LRT). I was walking to the escalator when the display window caught my eye… it was a white iPod!

I’ve never really seen one before, except in magazines where they are really hyping it up. Fortune ran this article on Apple’s Steve Jobs and showed this collage of photos of famous people with their iPods.

My friend gave me an iPAQ MP3 player before, but the download so slow I gave up using it… besides it was only 64MB.

So since I stopped at the shop display window for more than the minimum 0.4 split seconds, natural law dictates that the a salesperson will immediate pop up from nowhere and ask me, “Can I help you?” (with the customary sunny smile)

Actually, this tie wearing sales personnel was quite nice, probably I gave him my ‘I’m-really-serious-about-buying-and-can-afford-this-RM12000-gadget’ look. Or maybe it was just a slow day at the shop. I dunno.

So anyway, this guy gave me the lowdown on compatibility, features, power source, USB ports, capacity, etc. And he even added, “THIS AFTERNOON, we’re having this promotion of RMxxxx for this model…” Man, do I feel sorry for all those people who bought THIS MORNING! They would have missed out that this fantastic offer!!!

Anyway to cut the long story short, the 6GB iPod Mini is going for about RM1200, the 4GB one is retailing at about 1k. Offer is valid THIS AFTERNOON. The 20GB standard iPod is selling at about RM1500. There are a few higher priced models, with the usual extra cheat-your-money functions. They didn’t have the iPod shuffle, that would be around RM500.

So did I buy one? Heck, no. I may love the look and tech of it, but I still need to put 2 kids through kindergarten. And pay for my car… but one day, if my company gives me a good raise….hmm….

10 Richest Billionaires in The World, Again

I blogged about Forbes’ Top 10 Billionaires List here, and since I’m still hoping to be a billionaire one day (HAHAHAHAHAAA…!), I can’t help blogging about it again. Today, let’s look at the 10 richest dudes. Julius Chan has strangely dropped out of the list.

So, like David Letterman, let’s count ‘em down:

Number 10: S. Robson Walton (US, RM69bil) – Chairman of Wal-Mart. It’s a bit like Tesco & Giant. But unlike Giant, this one actually knows how to make money. Actually, father Sam was the guy who made the money, this guy just won the genetic lottery to be born rich. Probably beat his brothers silly to be dad’s favourite. Which proves my theory: If you’re a guy, make sure you’re born into a rich family. If you’re a girl, marry into one.

Number 9: Larry Ellison (US, RM70bil) – CEO of Oracle. Oracle makes servers, I think. Either that or he’s the descendant of the Greek goddess on Mount Olympus.

Number 8: Karl Albrecht (GER, RM70bil) – owns supermarkets and also motivational speaker. Probably made his money by conning people with buzzwords and catchphrases like “Believe in yourself and you will succeed!” or “The fear of failure is the failure of fear!!!”

Number 7: Paul Allen (US, RM80bil) – became rich by virtue of being Bill Gates’ friend. So if you know someone who you think is going to be super-rich, be nice to him and be prepared to suck up big time…

Number 6: Ingvar Kamprad (SWE, RM87bil) – IKEA boss. Millions of kiasu and ‘oi meen’ Malaysians and Singaporeans have put this guy at No.6. Don’t believe me? Try to go to IKEA in Mutiara Damansara this weekend…

Number 5: Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud (SAU, RM90bil) – Oil money. Probably the president of OPEC or something like that. Don’t mess with with these people, or you’ll be riding bicycles to work.

Number 4: Carlos Slim Helu (MEX RM90bil) – No idea who he is. Probably owns half of Mexico.

Number 3: Lakshmi Mittal (IND, RM95bil) – richest Asian in the world. Never heard of him before last weekend. I reckon he made his money in an ingenious plan: He went round all of India asking RM92.50 from everybody. Since India has 1,027,015,247 people, that’s how he ended up with RM95 bil. I heard some guy in China is doing this same trick. Oh, Lakshmi Mittal also sells some steel products in his free time.

Nunber 2: Warren Buffet (US, RM167bil) – The TRUE richest billionaire in world. I taught him most of his investment techniques when I was his college roommate in Omaha back in ‘57. Has never thanked me for that, but I forgive him, he’s a busy man.

Number 1: Bill Gates (US, RM177bil) – Obtain his fortune by being the illegitimate offspring of Lucifer and a fallen angel. Leader of an underground tingkap-worshipping cult in the US, with its history going back to Leonardo Da Vinci and Abraham Lincoln. Has a horde of hidden Egyptian treasure under his master bedroom toilet.

Telco War Heats Up

I think it’s high time I put my 2 cents worth on the current telco war in Malaysia. If you have seen the ads on TV and newsprint lately, you can see the 3 players getting more and more desperate aggressive in their right to your money. At the moment, Celcom and Maxis are battling it out at the top, while DiGi is trailing a distant third. There is another service provider, the GLC-owned TMTouch, but it has since merged with Celcom.

This wasn’t the case when I started using mobile phones. Back then (in the dawn of time…) there more players, differentiated by their access numbers: Celcom (010 analogue, 019 digital), TM ATUR 450 (011), Maxis Mobile (012), Emartel (013), Mutiara Telecom (016), Adam (017) and Mobikom (018).

Since then, Emartel has now become TM Touch, Mobikom closed shop, Mutiara has become DiGi, Adam has been gobbled up by Maxis. As for ATUR, it has disappeared under the sea of technological change.

Just a short history lessons for all of you newbies.

Let’s now look last three standing: Celcom, Maxis and DiGi. I have used each of them over the years, so I will speak from my experiences only. Maxis and Celcom are fighting it out in both the pre- and post-paid fields. While Maxis is slightly ahead in terms of subscriber base, market capitalization and revenue, Celcom boasts of nationwide coverage. Personally, I find Celcom’s connection clearer and more dependable, Maxis’ tends to drop and get crossed. Furthermore, Celcom has now the backing of Telekom, while Maxis is bogged down by that questionable purchase of Indonesia’s PT Natrindo.

Of the three, DiGi stands to lose out the most. They are saddled with a few fundamental problems that will continue to hinder them in the future. Because of their GSM 1800 system, they will soon be running out of bandwidth. Furthermore, being a foreign owned company, they do not have certain benefits of their competitors. And being the backmarker, they are spending millions in aggressive marketing, and slashing their call and SMS rates. This is severely hurting their profits and cashflow, but this is something they have to do in this climate. But the question is just how long they can afford to keep this up.

This industry price war kind of reminds me of the petrol war in Malaysia some years back. But selling petrol is much simpler, there are only two parameters to control: price of petrol and freebies/prizes to be won.

In the telco case, there are too many things to fidget with: call rates, SMS rates, access fees, call rebates, availability of top-up cards, customer loyalty programs, etc. In the short term, I can see Celcom closing the gap and even overtaking Ananda’s Maxis, while DiGi have to swallow the bitter pill.

And when are the telcos going to offer me a free phone? Cheap-cheap one also can lah!

What Your Car Says About You

Interesting what the car can say about the driver…:
(NOTE: No offense to any Malaysian car owners. If you are too sensitive about your car, please don’t read any further. You’ve been warned.)

New Red or White Kancil – Lady driver, first job.

New Red or White Iswara Aeroback – Male driver, first job.

Red Honda CRV – Rich man’s wife. Especially with all those useless accessories like kangaroo bar, taillights protector, etc. Rich people must be higher than us, mah. Some more can block our sight of traffic.

Metallic Unser (new) – Housewife, driving children and neighbour’s children to school. (Maid in backseat)

Black or Silver Honda City or Civic VTEC - the ultimate Ah Beng dream car…

White, dirty Perodua Kembara – Putrajaya contractor company car. No trimmings, no stickers, usually slightly dented of taillights pecah already.

Dirty Pajero, Prado or Hilux – Big time contractor.

Dirty Jimny or Feroza – Small time contractor.

Black Kembara DVVT – with spare tire casing (some more got small padlock), sporty stickers, ugly halogen lights, catladder at back. Malay family man. One step up from Unser.

Silver Mercedes – I’m a rich businessman, please move aside for me.

Silver BMW / Volvo – I’m a rich businessman, but got poor taste in car.

Old Mercedes – My father’s a rich businessman, I’m driving his car.

Silver / black Perdana – I’m a moderately successful businessman, still not rich enough to buy a Mercedes.

Wira or Iswara (with black rims, huge spoilers, cheap body kits, tinted windows, big exhaust, black PVC seats and letterings on boot removed) – standard issue ‘mat racer’.

Kancil (with black rims, ugly body kits, tinted windows, huge exhaust, black PVC seats and letterings on boot removed) – lower standard ‘mat racer’. One step up from ‘mat rempit’ (or ‘mat motor’)

White Perdana / Waja / Kancil with blaring sirens – if you dunno this one ‘cham’ lor…

When Malai and Indo Fight It Out

Malai – What are you doing, defacing our websites? Have you no sense of decency?

Indo – We can do whatever we like. You guys deserve it. You treat us like animals, we fight back.

Malai – When did we treat you like animals? We offer you jobs, without us your country will sink down the tube and go bankrupt.

Indo – Don’t give us that holier-than-thou attitude. Your country was built on the back of our sons. Your twin towers, your F1 circuits and all your altars of greed and egomaniacal symbols, all by us.

Malai – We’re a progressive nation, unlike you. We work hard, and reap the fruits of our labour. That’s why we’re economically greater than you.

Indo – You can beat your chests, but we are the original sons of the earth, we are a superior race, you are just weaker cousins. We fought for our own independence with blood and guns, what did you do?

Malai – You live by the sword, you die by the sword. And we can watch how you kill each other in the name of religion and politics.

Indo – Stick your own noses elsewhere. You keep your own house in order. And don’t come taking what is ours.

Malai – We only claim what is ours. You can’t even handle what you already have, don’t let your greed consume you.

Indo – Practice what you preach. You have no respect, running to the white man for help to take our lands. The servant that lives in the house of the white man is reviled by the other servants.

Malai – It is only you that think of yourself as a servant. Do that, and you will always be a servant.

Singapore – Will you guys knock it off?! I’m trying to sleep here!

Don’t Forget To Turn Out The Lights

Don’t forget to turn out the lights, Kenny;
Don’t stay out too late, the moon is dark tonight.
Don’t forget which key unlocks the gate,
I hope to see you again in the morning light.

You were not here when I returned.
And I don’t think you’ll be coming back.
Take care, Kenny, and travel light,
And thanks for turning out the lights.

See you soon, Kenny.