A friend of mine is pregnant, and the baby is due next week. I just saw her gobbled down a slice of rich chocolate cake and a slice of cheesecake the other day. Iâ€™ve two children (I didnâ€™t give birth to them, my wife did), so I know pregnancies pretty well. One thing I know is that when you are pregnant (and especially if youâ€™re Chinese or Malay), everybody will have lots of â€˜usefulâ€™ advice to give you. Especially those dry old aunties who think they’re qualified gynecologists or dieticians.
Let me compile a list of stuff Iâ€™ve heard over the years about pregnancies.
- Pregnant women love looking at young children. Iâ€™ve noticed this a lot, too. Every time they see an adorable, angelic kid, they have this glazed look in their eyes, tilt their head to the left a bit, and slowly touch their stomach. Iâ€™ve also noticed this does NOT happen when they see a screaming, hell-raising kid.
- Youâ€™re suppose to put on 10 to 13kg only during pregnancy. Doctors always say this. Unfortunately, 99% of women I know put on a WHOLE lot more than 10kg. And this extra weight is a bitch to lose. Unless you join one of those ultra-expensive slimming centres with those â€˜Beforeâ€™ and â€˜Afterâ€™ pics, promising you â€˜I was 175lbs after the birth of my 7th child, now Iâ€™m 120lbs! No pills! No injections! No starvation! But pay through your nose, more than cost of delivery in C-section!â€™
- Donâ€™t watch scary movies, or go to the circus / zoo and see the monkeys. This one I can never understand. Old women believe if you do so, your child will come out looking like whatever you saw. Like that movie the Elephant Man. Well, I dunno if its true, but if it is, expecting mothers should spend more time looking at pictures of Johnny Depp and / or Angelina Jolie. Hah.
- Donâ€™t go out at night. I dunno. Scared of ghost izzit? Scared of mosquito bites izzit? Or bats?
- When the pelvic bones opening reaches 10mm, then only the doctor comes. Anything before that, heâ€™ll still be in his room checking his mail.
- Pregnant women eat a lot of folic acid pills. What food they CRAVE for is another story.
- Pregnancies last for 9 months or 40 weeks, calculated from your last menstruation, divided into 3 trimesters. Most children also know this, since their mothers always say, â€œDonâ€™t answer back to me! I carried you for 9 MONTHS and spent 13 HOURS in LABOUR to deliver you!!!â€
- Donâ€™t get me started on the mood swings.
- Pregnant women pee a lot. Okay, this one 100% true. If your wife is pregnant and you plan to go somewhere on foot, like shopping, you need to plan your journey so that you pass a toilet (of a reasonable level of cleanliness) every half hour or so.
- During confinement, you canâ€™t eatâ€¦ whoa. This one I can go on for a few pages…