Top Ten Things You Didn’t Know About About Valentine’s Day

OK, newsflash: There are only 4 full shopping days left to Valentine’s Day, so if you still haven’t got that gift for your girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife / secret admiree, then… hey wait a minute, I HAVEN’T BOUGHT A GIFT YET!!!

Okay, calm down… there’s still Saturday… maybe then this fantastic gift at a super affordable price will just appear before me… saving me the hours of frantic shopping.

Anyways, for the rest of you, here are some things you may or may not know about the Feast of St. Valentine’s. These facts may or may be true. So you may or may not want to believe them whole sale. I also got a friend called May Oh Mei Not. Bwahahaha.

Top Ten Things You Didn’t Know About About Valentine’s Day… (according to Simon).

• Valentine’s Day was concocted by flower farmers back in the ancient Roman times. It is traditionally believed that February 15th is the last day that flowers such as roses and lilies stay fresh from the Christmas harvest. On the 15th of February, most of them will wither and turn brown. So, in order not to lose money, these farmers came up with a fantastic idea to dispose off their stock on February 14th.

• Valentine’s Day was actually named after my friend Valentino Tan Lap Sing.

• In some South Pacific islands, Valentine’s Day is NOT celebrated, since it is viewed as a pervasive western culture. Instead, the men just treat the women as any other normal day. And vice versa. The flower and gift shops there don’t make much money in February.

• The traditional symbol of Valentine’s Day is the Roman God Cupid (Eros), usually pictured as a angelic baby with wings shooting love arrows. Due to the age of politically correctness, he/she is now an androgynous looking, hermaphroditic baby of mixed origins (wearing a multi-coloured diaper) and shooting a non-violent, non-penetrating, non-harmful eco-friendly rubber balls.

• According to Rojaks, the respected and definitive online opinion poll website, 60% of women give men clothing, 30% give gadgets, 9.99999% of women give chocolates. The remaining 0.00001% of men get manties.

• Let me tell you a joke:

  A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
  His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

  “But why?” asks the man.

  “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

• Don’t buy gift vouchers as a Valentine’s Day gift. And no exercise or slimming equipment either. Don’t ask why.

• When you buy a gift, the first thing you must do is remove the price tag before you give the present to your partner. When you receive a gift, first thing you must do is check the return policy.

  Valentine’s Day sucks when you’re alone.

• Let me tell you another joke:

  A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

  “You’ll know tonight.” he said.

  That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams“.