Top Ten Reasons Why There is No CSI: Malaysia

I was asked to do a posting about this, i was quite reluctant since i have never watched a full episode of this wildly popular series. Just bits and pieces here and there of the many spin-offs. Anyway, yesterday I managed to catch two full episodes (finally), it was quite entertaining, but i guess after so many seasons, the ideas aren’t so fresh, it was more of the usual cop and lab investigation thing, with the usual fingerprint dusting and blood sampling.

But anyway.

Top Ten Reasons Why There is No CSI: Malaysia

• Grisly murder scene re-enactments censored, shots of dead bodies censored, sexy scenes censored, foul language censored, what else is there to show?

• The only dead bodies they ever investigate in CSI: Temerloh are dead chickens on the highway.

• Too much competition from that OTHER hit police series on local TV, ‘Gerak Khas‘.

• “Tonight… CSI: Malaysia, the crack team of experts investigate the murder of the English language by Malaysian radio deejays…”

• Instead of the high-tech cutting edge invisible poison American murderers use, local criminals always only use one type - Paraquat (and sometimes, King Kong rat poison).

• High cost of red water colour (used for fake blood) makes filming too expensive and therefore not viable (cow’s blood is not suitable due to mad cow’s disease, chicken blood due to avian flu...)

• The term ‘Forensik‘ just doesn’t sound right.

• In CSI: KL, the dead bodies are always found in the Klang river. Every week, without fail. (And Gil Grissom is pretty sick of wading in the brown waters…)

• Everybody keeps thinking that CSI stands for ‘Cit-cat Sama Ina’, sequel to that show ‘Cit Cat Azwan’…

• Because the real life murders in Malaysia are horrifying enough.

Top Ten Things Simon Learnt in 2005

It’s one of those end of the year things, i suppose. Ah well, 17 days to Christmas…

Top Ten Things Simon Learnt in 2005

• My Iswara actually now reach RM56 for one full tank.

• If you leave a plastic bottle on your dashboard under the Malaysian sun, then its bye-bye bottle.

• I have been watching re-run of ‘Friends’ for more than 11 years.

• I need a DVD player.

• 50,000 words for Nanowrimo is really difficult. But once you finish, it’s really satisfying.

• There are far too many reality show and medical investigation dramas on TV.

• Bush is funny. Not intentionally funny, but funny nonetheless.

• Malaysian Idol is predictable. Akademi Fantasia is quite lame and predictable.

• I really need an iPod.

• What the word ‘Neophyte‘ means.

Simon Answers MORE Questions about Christmas and Santa

It looks like lots of people have burning questions about Christmas and Santa than me… judging from my previous post.

So i’m dedicating today’s post to answering MORE questions. Really, its also becoz I have nothing else better to do…

Why does Santa wear red a red suit?(question by lucia)
It’s not red actually, it’s white. Due to excitement, his blood rushes out to his clothes.

Why does he has a long white beard? (question by lucia)
It’s not really his beard. Santa has a problem with excessive nose hair.

How was Santa like when he was young? (question by Ken)
Very Ho-Ho-Horny. Young boys, you know.

How does Santa preserve his ‘youth’? (question by lilian)
Kopi Jantan Tongkat Ali.

U mean Santa is really coming? (question by mahagurusia)
Yes, but this is the last year. Next year onwards his replacement, Santa Chong Ah Fook will be taking over.

Why does Santa still use a sleigh? There’re modern vehicles like snow scooters. (question by sexymum)
With petrol at USD$70 per barrel?!

I heard that Santa is also an elf. So he’s a bit like Legolas is LOTR? Or Will Ferell in ‘Elf’?
After 6 months of treatment in those Malaysian slimming centres, 3 gallons of Botox, Peroxide hair coloring, 4 hours in the gym everyday (for 4 years), then yes, he will look a bit like Legolas’ grandfather.

What does Santa do from January to November?
Appears as Jabba the Hutt at Star Wars Conventions across America. Earns good money to pay for SKII treatment.

Simon Answers Questions about Christmas and Santa

Simon is bored. SO, today, he’ll answer random questions about Christmas and the festive season. Apologies to Santa, elves and the tooth fairy. No offence meant.

How come it doesn’t snow in Malaysia?
Global warming.

How come I never get to see Santa Claus flying around the sky on Christmas Eve night?
Santa uses a cloaking device.

If Malaysian houses have no chimneys, how does Santa get into our homes to distrbute presents?
Using master keys, plus some useful skills he picked up from prison, and a circular blade saw.

Is Rudolph a real reindeer? Why is his nose red?
No he’s a mutant kancil with fake antlers. His red nose is a warning sign to oncoming aeroplanes to avoid collision.

What’s Father Christmas’ wife’s name?
Mary Christmas. (haw, haw, I know, its a lame joke.)

I heard there are elves in the North Pole. Who or what are they?
Go watch LOTR.

Why is Santa so fat?
Atkins diet not going so well.

I heard from National Geographic that there are fewer and fewer reindeers in the North Pole. What’s happening?
Santa just loves venison. That’s part of the reason why the Atkin’s died is NOT going so great.

No, no, someone told me they help Santa make toys for the children.
Yeah, obviously ‘Santa’ hasn’t read the Child Labour Protection Act 1988.

Why are there 12 days of Christmas when we only have one day of public holiday?
Malaysians are not interested in resting or public holidays. Work is the one and only important thing in our lives.

I read somewhere that NASA took some photos of the North Pole and there doesn’t seem to be anything except snow and ice. Where is Santa’s home?
NASA is lying. Try using Google Earth.

Me, Doing a Food Meme?

Hah, i saw this meme floating around, and even though no one tagged me, I’m doing it nonetheless. Yeah, life as a third rate blogger is pretty sad, sometimes.

I think the meme has something to do with memories of food from your childhood, so here goes:

Mee Siput - Boo yeah! this stuff rocks! I never seen it since i left me hometown, but a few years ago, my brother bought it somewhere in the city. It’s crunchy stuff, looks like Muruku, but it’s brown and has sort of like bubbles on. i used to buy one on the way home from school everyday for 10sen from the Indian kacang putih guy.

Speaking of which, Kacang Putih - the gut outside my school sells it, but i usually buy it from another Indian geezer who cycles by my house every evening. He would roll newspaper into a tight, narrow cone, and fill it with kacang putih. There were a few variety, but my fav has got to be the white, dusty one, or else it won’t be called ‘kacang putih’. My mom use to give the guy old telephone directories to use as paper. There was always another stall selling this stuff outside cinemas.

Bombay toast - my dad made it taste great. After growing up, i noticed everyone refered to it as ‘french toast’ (with the difference of adding a little milk) but my dad told me he learnt from his mat salleh friends to call it that. I can just picture those lazy cool weekend mornings, bread sizzling in the pan, when the world was just a little younger…

Lime / Lemon candy - i still see this stuff being sold in sundry shop. It comes in a small cylinderical wrapping paper (bright gold) and has Thai writing on it. It has about 8-10 white tablets in it (no, not panadol) and it tastes sweet / sour / salty. Someone told me it has lead in it. Who cares, it too addictive.

Pringles - we didn’t get to eat it much, coz it too blardy expensive. But that stuff evil, i tell you. You can’t stop once you start.

(To be continued… soon)

Top Ten Thngs You May (or May Not) Notice When Your Traveling On the North South Highway

I’ve been travelling a lot. It tells, doesn’t it?

Top Ten Thngs You May (or May Not) Notice When Your Traveling On the North South Highway

• Most drivers break the speed limit. Some drivers even break the concorde speed limit.

• The accepted lane convention for Malaysian 3 lane-highways : Left lane is for anything slower than 110km/h (buses, lorries, old cars, me). Middle lane is for constant speed of 110km/h (move any slower, please move to the left lane). Right lane has no speed limit. If you’re on that lane, be prepared to be flashed down by the black CLK doing 168km/h.

• Express buses can speed pretty darn fast, too.

• Spending 3-4 hours driving on the highway makes you appreciate AirAsia and their budget flights.

• Eating junk food while driving gets all these crumbs onto your shirt, car seat and car mat that are impossible to clean. Especially while driving.

• Radio transmission fizzles out just when your favourite song comes on.

• Toll prices costs a bomb.

• They are forever doing road repairs when you are travelling. It never fails.

• All the rest areas are packed with cars on weekends. Don’t even mention the lines going into the toilets (especially the small rest areas).

• Distance = 200km. Toll charges=RM26++. Time Spent=More than 2 hours. Cost of getting a sore bum = Priceless.

What To Buy (or NOT to Buy) Your Girlfriend For Christmas

December is on us, without most of us even knowing it. There’s less than 30 days left in the year, with means that Christmas is no more than 4 weeks away. Woo-hoo!

Christmas usually means one important thing for courting couples – Christmas presents. Let’s face it, buying prezzies is a tough one to call. Getting that right present she likes, at a price that won’t puncture your wallet (or make you eat Hi-5 bread for dinner for the whole of January). Sometimes, you think you’ve found the right present, but for some strange reason, she doesn’t like it… sigh…

Anyway, here are some popular ones most guys go for anyway:

Chocolates
Best case scenario – “Wow, I love chocolates! Thank you so much!”
Worst case scenario – “Gee, you want to make me fat izzit? And after going out with me for so long, don’t you know that dairy products give me indigestion…? *Sigh*”
Most likely scenario – “Oh, thanks. You didn’t get the expensive imported Belgian chocolates? Those are really good…”

Flowers
Best case scenario – “These are lovely, they are my favourite! Did you drive all night to Genting Highlands to buy them just for me?” (At this point, just answer ‘yes’ even if you paid RM3 per stalk for them from the Bangsar pasar malam)
Worst case scenario – “Don’t you realize that flowers are just dead branches of a tree?” or “Only a dozen? My friend says 101 stalks means ‘I love you forever’…”
Most likely scenario – “Hmmm… it looks great, at least it will for the next three days only. Besides, I can make dried flowers, like all the other flowers you’ve given me…”

iPod
Best case scenario – “Cool! So sophisticated one aar?”
Worst case scenario –“I already have one lar… mine even better, 20GB. I was actually expecting the video iPod…”
Most likely scenario – “What’s this? A thumb drive?”

Designer Clothes / Handbag
Best case scenario – “Classy! I’ve always wanted a Prada bag/Mahnolo Blahnik shoes!”
Worst case scenario – “I don’t have anything that goes with this… Unless you bought me that RM239.99 Zara pantsuit, too? Oh, you didn’t…”
Most likely scenario – “Is it real? Or Petaling Street one?”

New Handphone
Best case scenario – “OMG! A camera! My number 1 wish! How did you know?”
Worst case scenario – “Actually, somebody game me a better phone already…”
Most likely scenario – “Only 1.3megapixels camera? I was expecting the Nokia 8800…”

Another Post on Malaysian Drivers

Short one today. Something about observing other drivers. Tomorrow I might continue the movies-that-never-made-it-here post (see this one). Or maybe actually do the ‘Why there is no CSI:Malaysia’ post (as recommended by nadia…) Then again, maybe not…

Let’s face it – there are too many cars on the city roads these days. Far too many. Even in small towns, the traffic jams are horrendous, but not as bad as KL on weekdays. Just look around you during peak hour traffic jams: almost every car is empty except for the driver.

I spend a lot of time observing other drivers (during jams, not while cruising 105km/h on the Kesas highway) and see a lot of interesting stuff. There are different categories of drivers (and their passengers, if they have any).

The office guy – wear a long sleeved office shirt, usually seen on the road after 7pm in the evening (“Wah, I’m so busy never get to leave early one”). Always looks extremely tired (“What do you expect? I wake up at 6.30am everyday to beat the jam…”) and slightly overweight. Looks dead ahead, can’t wait to get home.

The young couple – usually Malay or Chinese, and usually in a Kancil. Both looking ahead, like zombies (“tak cukup tidur, baby tak henti menangis”) or looking in different direction. Husband has to drop off wife, then drive to work. They used to ride a motorbike, but switched to car after getting fed-up with waiting in the tunnel during thunderstorms.

The company van – driver with van full of factory or construction workers, or office cleaners. Usually seen on the road before 7am and after 5pm. Workers are always sleeping, driver usually half asleep. Van usually has at least 5 dents in various places. Understandably, I always keep a safe distance from them.

Young lady in her first car – Hands gripping steering tight (until the knuckles are white), looks dead ahead, leaning forward. Most of the time driving 60km/h on the fast lane, signals 2km away before the turning. Car usually packed with cutesy furry toys everywhere, including stuck to windows.

The car pool guy – The nice guy who pools with his colleagues to save on petrol, toll, parking and help reduce the traffic jam. Too bad I’ve never seen one before.