Simon’s Guide to Football Positions

Yesterday I did a post with an FAQ on the EPL. Today, for the benefit of those not well-versed in football, we look at the various positions and roles in English styled football. Most fans are familiar with these positions, even schoolkids argue to death about who-gets-to-play-where during their kick-abouts in the backyard.

Goalie – The guy that stand between the sticks and gets blamed for all the goals. In actual fact, most goals are not caused by him, it’s the fault of the sun in his eyes and the linesman with muscle spasms.

Centrebacks – There are two of them. They usually spend most of the match arguing with each other and shouting at other players (on their own team and the other team).Their specialties are ‘Lifting their arms when striker falls in penalty box’ and ‘pushing and jostling when defending corner kicks’.

Leftback – The most unpopular position, usually the kid that gets picked last has to play here. Why is it unpopular? Cause you have to play with your left foot, and has to deal with the opponent’s right winger, usually their fastest player.

Rightback – The most boring position on the field. Don’t believe me? Look at Gary Neville.

Centre midfielders – there is usually two, one defensive and one going forward. The defensive midfielder’s main aim is to stop the other team. He usually has an impressive collection of yellow and red cards, and a black eye. The midfielder going forward is usually called a playmaker. Naturally, he gets blamed if the team loses. If the team wins, the strikers get all the praise.

Left wing – If you’re half way decent, you can anytime play for England.

Right wing – Usually a fast and skillful player, good at dodging flying tackles and avoid objects thrown by the spectators. Also, gets shouted at the most by the manager, since he is the nearest to the bench (for one half, for the other half, it’s the left winger’s turn).

Forward – Plays in front of the penalty box. Main job is look busy and distract defenders from the striker (see below). Usually thinks he can score goals, but is usually too fat or old or slow to do anything. Can’t defend for nuts, usually has to form defensive wall during free kicks, while covering his crotch. Gets substituted for a defender when team is winning, gets substituted for a younger, faster striker when team is losing. Most important skill is to look ‘frustrated’ or ‘I-can’t-believe-it’ when he misses a sitter from two yards.

Striker – Arguably the most important player. Main task is to fall awkwardly if anyone touches his XXL jersey while in the opponents penalty box. Also to shout at the linesman when he’s 10 yards offside. Screams at his wingers when the crosses are 2 inches off the mark, although he has never scored with his head since the concussion incident when he was 8 years old. And sometimes he score goals.