Top Ten Things Overheard After MJ Was Acquitted by Simon (Guilty? Not guilty? Does anyone really care?) “I’d like to thank all the little people that believed in me in this distressing time – my fans, O.J., Bubbles, The Elephant Man, Lenny my favourite oxygen tank operator, etc.” “Mummy! Mummy! Who’s this Michael Jackson? And why is he touching himself?” “Michael, Michael, we have a proposal for, you. How do you feel about being our spokesperson for SK-II face whitening cream? After all, you are our biggest customer, and we pay VERY well…” “Dammit it! We failed to get him! First Kobe Bryant, then Robert Blake, now this! Don’t worry,…

It’s a long and busy day ahead, so I’ll do the book meme that has been tagged on me for some time by 5xmom and Loc Kee. 1. Total number of books I’ve owned: Quite a lot. I’ve only began buying books since working, and a lot of books are borrowed or rented, but I still have quite a collection. 2. Last book I bought – Just last night I bought ‘Heaven Is So Real’ by Choo Thomas. For those who don’t know, this is a book that defies the logic of conventional religion. I read two chapters while sitting at the bench in MPH, so many people have recommended…

Top Ten Signs Simon Needs A New Hobby To Occupy His Time: Since American Idol and Amazing Race have ended, he has now resorted to watching Akademi Fantasia and Bob the Builder. The security guard at Kinokuniya knows him by name. He knows exactly how many days there are left until the new EPL season starts. He reads the newspaper TWICE everyday. He has taken all the humorous quizzes in TV Smith’s blog. He has colour-coded his office clothes in his wardrobe – Whites, Light Blues, Pink, Fuchsia and Neon Purple. Even his daughter is already sick of his “When I was your age…” stories. Al-Jazeera has got some cool…

Top Ten Things NOT to Do When You’re Lost while Jungle Trekking by Simon (NOT speaking from experience…) Drain out your phone battery trying to call Domino’s Pizza all night because you are hungry. “Oh, yeah? You think you’re a TIGER means you’re the king of the jungle eh? BRING IT ON, FAT CAT!!!!”. Try to emulate anything MacGyver ever did. It ain’t gonna work here, man. “We’re saved! That lion from ‘Madagascar’ is here to save us! Woo-hoo!” Freak out in the jungle just because you didn’t join the Pengakap (Boy Scouts) when you were young because you thought the Chess Club was so much cooler. “Don’t worry! We…

Sometimes you find that no matter how much you think or read up about a certain matter, you still can’t understand it. Don’t worry, there are many things out there that MANY people don’t understand, even if it seems simple to some other people. It’s OK if you find you don’t know some things, you’re not alone. It’s OK if you don’t know what NASDAQ stands for. It’s OK if you don’t know why the Speaker rejects a motion in our Parliament. It’s OK if you don’t know why our national football team is so pathetic. It’s OK if you don’t know what all the fuss about Zhang Yimou’s films…

Ever get asked a question that you can’t answer but don’t want to show your ignorance?Or don’t want to lose face in front of everybody even though you didn’t finish primary school?Or want to show that you’re smarter than everyone else (but actually you’re the opposite)? Don’t worry, Simon is here!Learn to be a smart-alec with these fantastic example answers! Learn the tricks and soon people will think you have a PhD! Is so simple!!(If you would like to buy the complete DVD training course, send USD$399.90 to me) Sample smart answers to ANY random intelligent questions:Question: What do you think is the primary reason for the change in ratings…

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine was actively looking for a girlfriend. Nothing wrong with him, nice guy, good job, decent car, okay in the looks department (not Brad Pitt, but still okay). But no girlfriend. And he was tired of not meeting any girls. So he set out to find one. I don’t know the details of how he went about ‘finding’ a girlfriend (with a shovel? A magnet? A Lotus Esprit?) but he DID succeed. The relationship didn’t last long, and about a year or so he was unattached again. He’ll probably meet more girls if, say, he was selling perfume at the L’Oreal…

This is what happens to me on the way back from work everyday in the car: (Turns on car radio to Mix FM)Ewww. Cannot tahan this annoying DJ. Thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Ble-eech. (Switches to Hitz FM) (Listens to songs for 5 minutes.) Yecch, why do they keep playing this song? Its 3 months old and they still play it 10 times a day. Some more on all 4 radio stations…. (Switches over to Light & Easy) (Listens to elevator music for 2 minutes and 17 seconds) Yawn. I’m growing old listening to this. When are they bring back ‘Classic Rock’? (Switches back to Mix FM) (Listens to…

While he was asked. “Who gives away the bride?”, the above song must be humming in the father’s head… To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Congratulations, from the Family, and the Fountain. Finally… Back to main page.

This will be the last Star Wars posting. I promise (fingers crossed). Next week the Batman jokes and parodies will commence. (Unless I do the Fantastic Four ones first) Darth Vader’s helmet comes with MP3 player with headphones, X-ray vision to gawk at the female aliens, and need 2 coats of turtle wax everyday. George Lucas modeled the character Darth Sidious/Emperor Palpatine after certain Malaysian retired politician. Some symbolisms to satisfy the Da Vinci Code fans : Lightsabers = male phallic symbols. Death Star = female fertility symbol (?) When the Scottish actor Ewan MacGregor grows old years from now, he will look mysteriously like Alec Guinness. Yoda is gay…