Come Back, Bill (Remembering Calvin & Hobbes)

I have all of Bill Watterson’s Calvin & Hobbes books. There are about six of them, not including the treasuries. I have been a huge fan of his work since the Star started running his strip in the mid-80’s. As most of you know, Bill stopped the series about 10 years ago, due to personal reasons. At that time, the strip about the six-year old and his stuffed tiger was the most successful and widely published comic strip in the world.

The reasons for Watterson’s retirement were well-documented: He had been increasingly disillusioned with the publishing world’s rigid demands, fights over merchandising rights (he was against ANY kind of merchandising), and most of all, he felt he would not be able to maintain the high level of standards for the strip.

In one of his collections (“The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book”), Watterson shared many things about his life – his obsession with privacy, his heated rows with publishers and newspaper execs, his love for old-time strips like Krazy Kat and Peanuts, and his frustrations with piracy.

In the immediate years after his retirement, there was a clamour by US dailies to find the next “Calvin & Hobbes”. So many were hyped, but none even came close to its popularity or level of humour. One of the heavily-touted ones was Liberty Meadows, but it soon fizzled and succumbed to the all-too-common diseases of comic strips – lack of ideas, repetition and banality.

But none of them will ever be like Bill Watterson, because just like Charles M. Schulz, he is irreplaceable.

Stupendous Man. Spaceman Spiff. Suicidal snowmen on the lawn. Calvin-ball. Susie Derkins.

Come back, Bill. We miss you.


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9 Classes of Malaysian Drivers

KL city drivers are a diversified lot. Some are insane, some are arrogant, some are suicidal and then there is the silent majority. But by and large, however you react to someone one cutting in on you, we all adhere to an unwritten hierarchy system of drivers. It’s all here from Class 1 to Class 9. The law of nature is simple, a lower class driver must give way to a superior class, and don’t ask any questions. Failure to do so can be very detrimental to your health and wallet.

Class 1
Royalty and ministers in their motorcades, with the usual 20 police outriders.
The outriders go ahead of the black Mercedes/Rolls Royce to clear traffic first, failure to do so can be suicidal. The VIP motorcade usually consists of many cars, (as you know car-pooling is an offence), all with hazard lights switched on. Make NO mistake, everyone must give way.
Tell-tale signs – colourful registration plates, small flag on front bumper, black-tint windows, opportunistic losers trying to tag along behind motorcade to beat traffic.

Class 2
Police cars, ambulance, fire engines and other emergency vehicles.
Since lives are stake here, everyone willingly gives way. In bumper to bumper traffic, they will squeeze between lanes or on the road shoulder. However, please note, they are NOT the highest class, they are to give way to Class 1 above (I’ve seen this happen before).
Tell-tale signs – wailing sirens, usually on main roads.

Class 3
Bus drivers, lorry drivers and taxi drivers
Commands the highest right of way among civilians. Never, ever trifle with them.

Class 4
Businessmen, politicians, tycoons, CEOs in their limousines.
Big cars, usually Mercedes, BMW and Volvo. Since their time is far more important than ours, they MUST have the right of way.
Tell-tale signs – Number plate with single digit or 8888, found on the roads after 9am or before 5pm. ‘Ahmat’ driver wearing uniform, usually doubles-up as bodyguard/assassin.

Class 5A
Rich man, contractor boss, spare-part shop boss, etc.
Usually drives his own luxury car (Civic, Perdana, Sonata) or SUV (X-Trail, Pajero). Cuts in and out of traffic like they own the road. Usually born without the ability to patiently queue up. Glares at you or show the ‘finger’ if you, in any way, appear to slow you down.
Tell-tale signs – Cutting queue at toll or traffic jams, always talking on hands-free, smartly dressed, gold chain & bracelet, etc.

Class 5B
Wife of Class 4 or 5A above.
Same as the above, but drives CRV, RAV4, Rexton, Matrix, etc. Makes appearance at non-peak hours in suburbs only.
Tell-tale signs – Unbelievely arrogant on the road, uses horn at every little instant, wears Valentino sunglasses and upside-down jacket on their arms.

Class 6
Mat racers and Ah Beng racers.
Mat racers (in their modified Wira/Iswara) and their Chinese counterparts (in their loud Honda Civic/City VTEC) are well documented in my earlier post.
Tell-tale signs – you know, the usual. Black rims, boot lettering removed, loud techno music on stereo, muffler, black fake leather seats, car sticker like RECARO, HKS, Tuned by RAZO, Sparco, etc. Usually found at night.

Class 7
Motorbikes.
I hate it when they horn at you whenever they have to brake. Will squeeze and snake around your cars as if every inch of space is worth millions. Most liable to scratch your car or break your side mirrors.

Class 8
Uncles and Pakciks.
Driving old beat-up cars, as if they’re on an evening drive on the beach. On the right lane. Never responds even if you horn or flash. When you overtake and glare at them, they pretend not to see you.
Tell-tale signs – They still think they are driving in Bentong in the sixties. Eyesight not fit for driving more than 12 years ago.

Class 9
Poor, law-abiding, bottom feeders like you and me.


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I Want My Coffee

Just like nsds3, I can’t start my day without a cup of coffee. If I don’t get one first thing in the morning, I’ll be cranky and uptight for the rest of the day. Woe to any clueless supplier and telemarketer who calls me on those days.

I think it all began the day I started working. I’m not a morning person. Coffee helps me wake up fully. My first job, our tea lady made this killer pot of Nescafe for us every morning and afternoon. So much so I always had 2 or 3 cups of it. Those days I could drink up to 5 cups a day. I know many people who drink up to 8, but 5 is enough to make my pee smell like Arabica beans.

I’ve tried to cut down my intake over the years, with some success. These day I drink 2 cups max, most days only one. I think the caffeine withdrawal symptoms are starting to show.

And today’s gonna be a bad day, I just know it. The coffee is trying its best to brace me for it.

Maybe today at lunch I might quietly sneak in a glass of kopi-kau at the canteen (yeah, I know, I can be a coffee-slut). No one will know. My blood circulation will thank me for it.


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10 Things NOT to Say to Your Boss

Ten Things Not to Say to your Boss (by Simon):

• “Yeah, sure I have a blog. And the topics about you are the most popular!”
• “Hey, did you know you look just like the pointy-haired boss in Dilbert?”
• “My appointment letter did not specifically say I can’t call you a ‘moron’.”
• “Please note the company server will be down Monday while I install the World of Warcraft patch”.
• “Is this a picture of your daughter on your desk? Whoa, hot babe! Is she 18 yet?”
• “The term ‘lunch hour’ is SO subjective. It can also mean ‘a few hours’, right?”
• “I’m so jealous. You stare at your secretary’s legs all the time, but you never give me a second look. Is it because you’re not into men?”
• “Say, that woman you were with last night at the company dinner – was that your wife or mother?”
• “Heheh, I figured out your login password – it’s your mistress’ birthday, right?”
• “I couldn’t help reading your personal outgoing mail – I know where to get those ‘male performance enhancement’ drugs easily… for a price…”

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Simon’s Guide to Doing Taxes

Ladies and Gentlemen, the closing date for submitting your tax forms is 30th April, this Saturday. Judges decision final, no late entries will be entertained. Proof of postage is not proof of receipt. Winners (and losers) will be notified by post some time later this year.

As late as yesterday, the 27th, some people I know are just starting to fill out their forms. Talk about cutting it close. But I suppose it’s the Malaysian-culture of doing everything last minute, and then blame it on insufficient time given by the authorities.

Despite what you hear, filling out tax forms is actually very easy, especially if you’re an entry-level employee (where most people start). Things start getting knotty when you’re income rises. Then you’ll need ways to cut down on the deductible income – EPF, life insurance, medical bills, book receipts, etc.

Sounds complicated? Not really. Here’s a simple step by step flowchart for doing your taxes:


Step 1
Check the following questions:

• Do you make more than the minimum taxable income (I think its RM2,500pm)?
• Do you hear annoying ads on the radio rapping with words like ‘berdikari’, ‘berbakti’ and about submitting taxes?
• Do you see your colleagues fumbling through blue-and-white forms when boss is not around?
• Is it the last week of April yet?

If you answered YES to all of the above, then go to Step 2. If not, keep waiting.

Step 2
Has your company issued the EA form yet? This applies to ALL the companies you worked for last year.
(By the way, if you worked for more than 2 companies last year, that makes you a job-hopper…)

If the answer is YES, then go to Step 3. If not, go back to Step 1.

Step 3
Have any of your efficient friends/colleagues done their taxes yet?

If the answer is YES, suck up to him/her big time and get him/her to guide you through it. Then go to Step 5.
If the answer is NO, then looks like you’re on your own. Go to Step 4.

Step 4
Do the following (and do it again before asking any dumb questions):

• Read the attached handbook (they didn’t send it to you for fun).
• Read the FAQ on the LHDN website.
• Try out all those spam e-mails with attached ‘automated tax calculator’ spreadsheets.
• Attend any free seminars by audit firms/churches/YMCA/self help gurus/fortune tellers on how to do your taxes.Some can even teach you to save million of dollars. (But seeing that its already mid-April, these all would probably be over by now…)
• Dig all your files, drawers, rubbish bins, trouser pockets and hamster cage for receipts, accounts, acknowledgement slips, etc. The more of these you find, the less you have to pay in taxes.
• Or if you’re lazy like me, get your wife to do all of the above.

When you’re done (hopefully, it’s still not May 1st yet), go to Step 5.

Step 5

• Check your calculations. With a calculator.
• If, like me, you owe them some money (you poor sod), curse, swear, gripe, moan, then write a check and post it to the collection centre (or direct transfer from the ATM).
• If they owe you money, curse, swear, gripe, moan and bitch about it.
• Go to Step 6.

Step 6

• Complete your form. Keep a copy (and try not to use the office copier).
• Post it.
• If it’s the 30th already, drive to Pandan Indah and drop it in yourself.
• Then wait for your Borang J sometime in September.

Finally, forget about it until April next year again.

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You Know Its Time to Change the Channel When…

You know its time to change the TV channel when you hear the following:

• “The umpires want to look at the video replay one more time before they can decide…”
• “Nampaknya belum ada gol dalam babak pertama aksi Liga Super Malaysia antara Bank Pertanian dan pasukan Bomba…”
• “Stay tuned for the live telecast of the thrilling Lawnbowls championship from Bukit Kiara…”
• “Datuk Seri, what can you comment on about the current diesel shortage?”
• “We take you live to the White House for President Bush’s press conference on the latest search for WMD in Iraq.”
• “Masuk! Masuk! Smash yang cukup hebat! Ataupun keluar… Nampaknya Wong Choon Hann ketinggalan sepuluh mata…”
• “Harap maaf, rancangan tergendala.”
• “Looks like Schumacher has just crashed out of the race leaving Alonso unchallenged 2 laps ahead, with 47 laps to go…”
• “Paul, in your opinion, what do you think is the greatest impact of Abrahamovich’s investment into the EPL…?”
• “Harap maklum, nampaknya anak bulan belum kelihatan lagi…”
• “We interrupted this programme for some breaking news. We bring you live to the press conference by the Minister of Foreign Labour…”
• “Persembahan Koir RTM ini dibawakan khas oleh Saluran Infortainmen…”
• “Next, on Star World, ‘Wildest Police Car Chases!’”

• “Looks like we have to wait a little longer, it’s still black smoke, friends…”

Like I said, it’s been a slow day…

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“Bennifer”, “Monica-gate”, “Brad-nifer”…

US supermarket tabloids like to give nicknames to celebrity couples or their famous court cases that grab headlines. The most recent is “Bennifer”, referring to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s botched engagement. Bill Clinton’s affair with his intern is dubbed “Monica-gate”, named after the infamous intern. Clinton’s illegal land sale investigation was nicknamed “Whitewater-gate”, after the name of the said property. Or George Bush and his “Iraq-gate“.

Here are some suggestions I can think of:

• “Bennifer” – Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez’s botched engagement.
• “Bennifer II” – Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner’s planned engagement.
• “Brad-nifer” – Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston’s sudden divorce.
• “Manly Fur” – Elton John & his gay partner’s planned wedding.
• “Arm Pitt” – Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s alleged affair (yeah, I know it’s lame but couldn’t resist it).
• “Mark Anthony & J’Leopatra” – Marc Anthony & Jennifer Lopez’s unlikely marriage.

Here are some more unlikely ones:

• The recent defamatory court case involving Siti Nurhaliza & Sharifah Aini – “Beauty & the Beast“
• Charles & Camilla’s royal wedding – “Charlie & the Oleo-Factory” or “Donkey & Old Maid“
• Britney Spears & Jason Alexander’s quickie marriage & annulment – “I Seriously Thought He Was That Loser on Seinfeld“
• Britney Spears & Kevin Federline’s unexpected wedding – “This one lasted for more than 72 hours” or “I thought I was marrying Roger Federer“
• Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie acrimonious split – “The Bleached Blonde & the Blonde Bitch“
• Michael Jackson & numerous un-named little boys – “The Wanna-See-my-Billie-Jean Scandal”

You can see its been a slow day for me…

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Simon’s Top Five Reasons Why…

Top Five Reasons Why CSI is so Popular:

• We just love gory murders and corpses.
• It’s compulsory viewing for Med students in IMU (4 hours credit).
• There is hardly anything else good to watch.
• All Astro subscribers have AXN for free (and Star World sucks)
• Amateur serial killers watch it to learn how NOT to leave clues.

Top Five Reasons Why Smallville is so Popular:

• Kristin Kreuk
• Kristin Kreuk
• Kristin Kreuk
• Tom Welling
• Kristin Kreuk

Top Five Reasons Why Reality TV is so Popular:

• In reality, our own lives are really boring.
• Hot babes and six-pack abs.
• These people have an uncanny talent to instantly cry, bitch, swear, backstab and gloat on-demand in front of the camera.
• Same reason why Malaysians stop and examine road accidents and causing huge traffic jams…
• If somebody is dumb enough to eat scorpions and reindeer’s balls, we gotta watch it…

Top Five Reasons Why TV1 & TV2 is NOT Popular:

• Gerak Khas
• Most of us don’t understand or need “infortainmen”.
• They still show the same Popeye & Pink Panther cartoons from the 70’s.
• Endless re-runs of crap 80’s Hong Kong movies starring Eric Tsang/Alan Tam/Raymond Ng/Ng Man Tat/Sandra Ng/Kenny Bee.
• I suspect a lot of us aren’t big fans of “Telenovela Latin Amerika”.

Simon Finally Goes To Borders Bookstore

Yeah, I know I swore not to step foot into Berjaya Times Square again, but I’d make an exception for Borders. I read a few blogs saying that it was quite a disappointment, but I went to see it for myself. It was quite nice actually, not as big as I envisioned it to be, seeing all those empty shoplots at that place, anyway.

Comparisons will inevitably be drawn with Kinokuniya KLCC and MPH Midvalley (or 1 Utama new wing). I won’t go into the details, but I feel that Borders in still in the setting-up stage, they would probably fit in more shelves and sections in the near future. Well, let me list down some pros and cons based on my observations:

Pros:

• Some sections are quite impressive: Art, World History, US History, Science Fiction, etc.
• Spacious

Cons:

• Store assistance fooling around while me & some customers wait for them to help us.
• Most books not exactly new, probably ex-stock from Singapore.
• Not that many places to sit and read; not cosy and inviting.
• Price is roughly the same as Kino (which means MPH would be generally cheaper)
• Tiled flooring is so passé.
• What the heck is World of Feng Shui doing in the shop?!

Despite trying my best not to buy something, I fell hook, line and sinker for their “Buy 3 for 2” gimmick. I got the following for about RM76:

• John Le Carre’s “Absolute Friends”
• Mark Haddon’s “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time”
• Ian Caldweld & Dustin Thomason’s “The Rule of Four”
• Spelling book for my kid.
  

I would say the place was alright, but it would take a few more trips to really explore the whole inventory. Too bad about its location, though…

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Anyone Wanna Lend Me These?

Can’t wait to read these books. But won’t be able to buy them yet, I just made a cheque out to Income Tax for RMxxxx that will keep me broke for at least 3 months. Even though I’m going to Borders this weekend (despite some negative comments from friends) to check them out, I’ll probably just stand at the aisles and flip through them (while trying to blink back the tears when looking at the price tag).

Anyway, if any of my good friends are reading this and just can’t think of what to do with their money, you know what to do…

• Lirael by Garth Nix (yeah I know its light stuff but since reading Sabriel I’ve been hooked)
• Abhorsen by Garth Nix
• Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• Life of Pi by Yann Martel (still trying to read it for free…)
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
• Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction by Sue Townsend

Better stop the list here or it can go on for two pages…

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