Top Ten Surprises You WON’T Find in the new Harry Potter Book (And other useless facts)

Top Ten Surprises You WON’T Find in the new Harry Potter Book (And other useless facts) by Simon:

• Harry Potter goes to National Service in Terengganu. And suffers from Quidditch withdrawal symptoms. And gets his ass kicked by Malaysian students.

• J.K. Rowling seriously considered introducing a new sulking, Chewbacca-like villain in this new 6th book. The working title? “Harry Potter and the Hairy Pouter”.

• Harry finally realizes Voldermort is just a cheap rip-off from other villains like Darth Vader, Sauron and the White Witch.

• Harry starts smoking pot in Hogswarts toilet.

• To boost sales of the overpriced and over hyped books, author is tying in with cheesy spin-off merchandising like board games, Happy Meal toys, card games, dolls playset, T-shirts, mugs, bedsheets, children’s underwear, lunch boxes, etc. No wait, that has already happened…

• Harry finally realizes even HE is sick of himself. And Hagrid is a pathetic whiner with the mentality of a 7-year old.

• Protests by students from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw demanding more air-time in books and movies. Their slogan is “Equality for Other Less Popular Houses”.

• Cho Chang sells kiss-and-tell memoirs about the boy wizard to the Observer for 3 million pounds.

• Ron Weasley finally comes out the closet and tells Harry & Hermione that he’s gay.

• Hermione Granger finally comes out the closet and tells Harry & Ron that she had a sex-change op 6 years ago.
  

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